Smile and Nod
by KMFinchel
Summary: It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be home with his wife and newborn baby. Instead he was here.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! I know I have two other ongoing stories and I am working on those! I sometimes get a story idea and run with it so here we are. This was supposed to be a one shot but I got a little carried away so it will be a few chapters. The good news is its pretty much completed so I should be able to post it all within the week! I wrote this a little differently than other things I've done. Always fun to try something new! I don't own glee, just the plot and any non glee related characters. Enjoy!**

Janie was 10 weeks old when he went to his first meeting. His mom had left two weeks prior. She told him he would be okay without her and he could do it on his own. Now he wasn't so sure. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Kurt kept pushing him to go, telling him it would be helpful to talk to others who are in the same situation. Finn usually rolled his eyes at this statement because who wants to be sad and then go talk to a bunch of people who are too? He is sad enough on a daily basis without having to deal with other people's sorrows. He didn't want to go, but he needed to.

He shuffled slowly into the church hall where he saw the sign: Thrive Grief Group meeting 6-8pm. Finn took a deep breath before entering the room. A few people were chatting over by the refreshments and others were already seated. He wasn't hungry so he kept on walking until he arrived at a circle of chairs. The metal of the chair felt cool through his jeans as he adjusted himself into a comfortable position. You think they would choose more comfortable accommodations for a two hour meeting. Someone he assumed was the leader made an announcement that it was time to begin. The rest of the group found their seats. You could tell those who had been coming here for a while since they sat together and talked. He sat quietly, waiting to see how this would all play out.

Mr. Scott, as he announced himself, was the person running this group. He welcomed everyone and said that participation is not mandatory, just talk when you want to talk and be respectful of others. Finn didn't pay too much attention to what else he said because he was thinking about how Janie was doing at home with Kurt. He hadn't left her much but he had to go back to work in two weeks and Janie would be in daycare. He felt his heart twinge just thinking about it.

He listened to Mrs. Martin talk about how her husband died six months ago from cancer. They'd been married 41 years and she cried as she talked about how much she missed him. Selfishly Finn thought to himself "at least you had 41 years. I had two."

The rest of the group seemed candid about their experiences from losing a parent, a spouse, and a child. God he couldn't imagine what he would do if he had lost Janie too. He'd probably lose his will to live to be honest. She's the only thing keeping him going right now. Her cries force him out of bed in the morning, when he reaches to the other side where his wife should be. Janie needs him and he made his mom a promise that he wouldn't do anything stupid because he had a baby now. Doesn't mean it doesn't cross his mind.

Most of the meeting he spent listening, but staring at his shoes. He hated seeing other people cry. All he's done for the past 10 weeks is cry or have people cry around him. He's tired of the looks he gets from people when he tells them what happened, or worse the stares of people he knows watching him go at this alone. A nurse at the hospital had told him she'd understand if he wanted to put the baby up for adoption. He remembers asking her if she was crazy. Why would he give away the only piece of his wife he had left? The baby they created and planned for. He'll protect Janie until he is no longer on this Earth.

Toward the end of the session Mr. Scott asks if anyone else has anything to share. Finn hadn't been keeping track of who had spoken or not. He didn't really care. He said if we were new, we should leave here with a number of someone else in the group. That we had to support each other and have someone in our lives who has been in our shoes. He told Mr. Scott that both his mom and stepdad have been in his shoes but Mr. Scott said its not the same because they are my parents and have different ways of supporting me.

Finn scanned the room looking for someone who he could give his number too, and get theirs. Mr. Scott was pretty adamant that he do this and it was his assignment this week to call that person if he needed to. The loneliest time for people is at night before bed, when the house is silent and your thoughts take over your mind. Finn knew all about that.

He saw two guys talking at the refreshment table. Finn couldn't remember their names but he knew one lost his dad last year in a work accident and the other his wife to heart disease. He figured he could get their numbers to satisfy Mr. Scott and then get home to Kurt and Janie. As he headed over to them, he noticed a small woman still seated in a chair, scrolling through her phone. She was sitting cross legged in a large black sweater and her dark hair covering her face. He didn't remember hearing her speak. Actually he hadn't noticed her at all until right now. She lifted her face from her phone to see Finn staring at her. He held his hand up and gave a small wave as he shifted his weight back and forth between his feet. She waved back shyly but then motioned for him to come over.

She patted the chair next to her asking him to sit.

"Sorry I was staring. I've never been here before and I'm not really sure what to do. I'm Finn by the way."

"Don't worry about it. I'm Rachel. It's nice to meet you."

The two shook hands and he swears he saw her crack a small smile.

"So Mr. Scott told me I have to get someone's phone number before I leave. How do you know who to ask? Does it matter?"

Rachel pulled her feet out from under her and placed them on the floor so she could face Finn. "I just asked a random woman. She doesn't come here anymore and I never called her anyways. Here give me your phone." Rachel held out her hand towards Finn. "I'll put my number in there so Mr. Scott will say you have someone. Call me or don't. That's up to you. I probably wouldn't be much help anyways."

Finn handed his phone over. What was this girl's story? "Did you speak tonight?"

"No," Rachel answered as she put her number in Finn's phone, "but you didn't either."

"How long have you been coming here? Sorry I don't mean to pry."

Rachel finished up and handed the phone back to Finn. "I've been coming here for 8 months. I never speak. Ever. And I won't."

"Then why do you come?"

"Dr.'s orders. Plus it makes me leave the house at least once a week. Why did you come?"

Finn couldn't imagine coming here or 8 months. He couldn't even imagine coming again next week. "My mom and brother made me. Does anyone actually come here because they want to?"

Rachel just shrugged her shoulders as her eyes scanned the room.

"Well it was nice to meet you Rachel. See you around."

* * *

The following Thursday Kurt shows up at his door at 5:15. He pushed past Finn and walked into the apartment.

"Kurt I already told you I'm not going back. It's a waste of time."

"Oh no you don't! I promised your mom I'd get you to those meetings so you're going to go. And really go Finn. Not just drive somewhere else and pretend to go."

"Why does everyone else think they know what's best for me? I'm a capable adult you know!"

Kurt just stared back at him holding Finns jacket in his hands. He knew there was no point in arguing. "Janie needs a bottle at 6."

He shows up five minutes late. His seat from last week was still open. Rachel was sitting in her usual seat too. Legs crossed, baggy sweater, trying to disappear within herself. He listened to more stories, trying to be less judgmental. Everyone is here because someone they loved died and it sucks. This is a club he never wanted to belong to.

After the meeting he heads over to Rachel's seat. Neither of them had chosen to talk during the meeting.

"I'm shocked you came back to be honest."

Finn sat next to her as he pulled his jacket on. "My brother made me come. It's easier to come than deal with his nagging."

Rachel chuckled as Finn rolled his eyes. "It's not so bad once you become numb to the sadness."

Just then Finn got a text from Kurt saying that Janie wasn't acting right and he wanted him to come home.

"Sorry I've got to run. The baby might be sick and I've got to get home." Fin stood up quickly. "See you next week?"

Rachel quietly replied "you have a baby?"

"Yeah I do. Sorry I really have to go."

* * *

He has to miss the next meeting. He went back to work today and only cried a little after he dropped Janie off. The day went by quickly, except for the sympathetic stares he got from everyone. Some people gave him a pat on the back, but mostly people just avoided him. They probably didn't know what to say. He was relieved because he wouldn't have been able to say anything back.

Janie is a mess from her nap schedule being changed at daycare and Kurt has to work and can't babysit. She's hysterically crying for a good hour after they get home. He's starting to freak out because she's never cried for his long and he always joked that she was giving him a break by being such an awesome baby.

He doesn't want to call his mom because he knows she'll fly out on the next flight because she's so worried about him. Before he knows what he's doing he calls Rachel. He glances at the clock as it's ringing and realizes she's in their meeting right now so he hangs up.

Finn puts Janie in the baby carrier so he can hold her and make a bottle without putting her down. This doesn't change anything and she's still screaming but at least he's holding her. It's breaking his heart that he can't help her and he finishes the bottle as his phone rings.

He pushes the answer button and put it on speaker.

"Finn are you ok? I saw that you called."

Janie's screams escalate and he can barely hear her. "I was just having a rough time and Mr. Scott said to reach out and I'm sorry I bothered you but I really have to go."

Rachel is outside of the meeting in the hallways trying to whisper. She can tell Finn needs someone but she doesn't help people. She's been the one who's needed help for a long time. She also knows that by going to help Finn she'll have to cross streets and she tries not to do that if she doesn't have to.

Rachel can hear Janie screaming in the background and the words fly out of her mouth. "Text me your address. I'm coming over."

Rachel arrived twenty minutes later with a pizza in one hand and wine in another. She hadn't been anywhere but her house or the meetings in 8 months. She was glad Finn didn't notice the flustered look on her face.

Finn had already changed Janie twice, tried the bottle, pacifier, and swing. Rachel noticed the frazzled look on his face when she walked in. "Hand me the baby Finn."

He didn't trust anyone with Janie, but for some reason he felt okay about giving her over to Rachel. She took Janie from him and readjusted the blanket he had wrapped around her. She placed Janie's cheek against hers and began to sing.

He could tell Janie knew this was something different. She screamed louder at first but her cries soon turned into sniffles. Within five minutes she was asleep.

Finn motioned to Rachel to follow him to the nursery. The pair walked quietly down the narrow hallway of Finn's apartment, turning right into Janie's light pink nursery. Rachel laid her down slowly into the crib and they retreated back into the living room.

"I'm a horrible father," Finn said as he ran his hands through his hair. "How could you calm her down in five minutes and I've been trying for hours?" Finn sat on the couch throwing his head in his hands.

He felt the couch move beside him. "Babies can sense if you're tense. She probably just knew you were upset too. It's okay Finn. Most people have help, but some don't. You're doing fine Finn."

They ate the pizza and drank wine in silence. Both afraid to start a conversation they didn't want to finish. It was the first normal interaction Finn had really had in three months.

"You don't look at me like everyone else does," Finn said taking another bite.

"It's because we're the same."

Rachel downed the last few drops of her wine before she headed out the door.

* * *

Three meetings later, Finn finally broke. Mrs. Martin was talking about her husband dying and their kids missing him and Finn lost it. Janie would never miss her mom because she only saw her for an hour. One fucking hour. He sobbed so hard he had to leave the room because no one could hear Mrs. Martin go on.

He reached the steps outside before he heard her footsteps behind him. She sat on the steps where he was standing and grabbed his hand to pull him down. Finn collapsed into her lap, completely engulfing her with his body. He cried so hard he could barely breathe. She rubbed his back and wiped the tears from his cheeks as they fell.

Finn doesn't know how much time has passed until he felt well enough to sit up. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lost it in there."

"Never apologize for your sadness Finn. It's okay to be sad."

"Does it ever stop hurting?"

Rachel sighed as she crossed her arms across her body. "I don't know. I'm still waiting."

* * *

Finn opens the door with Janie on his hip. Her hair growing in blonde and curly, with amber eyes like Finn.

"There's my girl!" Carole shouts and claps as she sees her. She hadn't been to visit since she left the first time, when Janie was still tiny.

Janie gives her a big grin and Finn hands her over as he takes his moms bags out of her hand.

Finn clears a space on the floor in front of the coffee table and lays Janie's quilt out with some toys. "Mom, put her down here and watch. She learned a new trick this morning."

Carole lays Janie on her back in the middle of the quilt. Janie looks up at both of them and smiles, then looks around her. She reaches across her body with her right arm and rolls right over.

"She rolled over today! Well she can go from her stomach to back but today she went from her back to stomach. She worked really hard at it didn't you Janie girl?" Janie grins at Finn with wide eyes and turns her attention back to her toy.

Carole claps for her and rubs Finn's back. "Good job daddy."

Finn has a meeting tonight and Carole is babysitting and for the first time he doesn't feel like he has to text non-stop to see if she's okay.

He hasn't broken down since that day he cried in Rachel's arms. They never spoke about it again. Sometimes they text but it's mostly about if they are going to the meetings or not. It doesn't go any deeper and Finn doesn't pry and neither does she. They have an unspoken understanding with each other. He doesn't know her story and she doesn't know his. That's just how they are.

After tonight's meeting he invites Rachel out for coffee. Not like a date, just as a friend because he isn't ready for any of that.

"No," Rachel replies.

"No? Did I do something wrong? It's just coffee I promise."

"It's not that Finn. I don't go anywhere except my apartment and here. Nowhere else. I can't." She fiddled with the strap on her purse awaiting his reply.

"You can't or you won't? You came to my house right? It will be fine. I'll help you."

They walk to a diner not far from the church and sit in a back corner booth. Neither of them wanted any attention from anyone.

"I haven't been out either you know. I go to work and Janie's daycare and here, but I haven't done anything normal since it happened. Or maybe nothing will feel normal ever again." Finn sips his coffee slowly as he stares at Rachel's sad eyes.

Rachel remains silent letting his words sink in. Her attention turns to the counter where a dad and two young girls sat down. "I want pie daddy!" the young girl said as she tugged on her dad's jacket.

Rachel's eyes filled up with tears as she watched the interaction. Her breathing became labored and Finn could see the panic in her eyes. He grabbed her hand across the table.

"Take a deep breath Rachel. It's going to be okay. You can do it." Finn didn't know why she was upset and didn't ask. He knew about triggers and things that would set him off into a depression. Things that made him cry out of nowhere and made him miss her so badly he wanted to scream.

Rachel focused on Finn and he guided her breathing until she calmed down. "I need to leave."

Finn paid the bill no questions asked and gave her a hug goodbye. Later that night when he was almost a sleep he got a text from her. "Thank You" is all it said.

* * *

It's Lainey's six month birthday and he has a meeting. He doesn't mind going anymore. Everyone understands him there and no one expects him to act a certain way, or say anything at all for that matter. Kurt now has a boyfriend named Blaine and sometimes he helps watch Janie too. He seems like a nice guy and he doesn't know enough about Finn to judge him.

Finn doesn't know what makes him do it. Mr. Scott asks who would like to start off the session and Finn raised his hand before he knew what he had done. Rachel was in her usual seat. Her eyes grew wide as she realized Finn was choosing to talk.

"Six months ago today, my daughter was born. It was the most amazing moment of my entire life." Finn took a deep breath as the tears already began to flow. "My wife and I were so excited. We knew we wanted to have kids right away and started trying right after our one year wedding anniversary. She got pregnant right away and it was like our life was completely perfect."

Finn could feel his hands shaking as he continued on.

"I have this picture of us holding her after she first came out and I love it so much. Janie, my daughter, is so sad and has this pouty lip and my wife is looking at her crying with joy. I'm looking at the camera giving a thumbs up and it's just the most perfect picture in the whole universe. It's also the only picture I have of all three of us."

He could see people in the room tearing up. Mrs. Martin reached over and grabbed his hand. Rachel had crossed her legs again and molded herself into a ball, tears falling down her face.

"An hour after Janie was born, my wife said she felt light headed. I quickly grabbed the baby from her as my wife passed out. The doctor's rushed in as I screamed but there was nothing they could do. She suffered from a pulmonary embolism and died right in front of me while I held our daughter in my arms."

He hears a few gasps and Rachel cries into her hands. Even though they've all experienced their own grief, it doesn't make it any easier to hear someone else's pain.

His voice cracks a little as the tears continue to flow. "The doctor's tried but there was no way to save her. I was rushed to the corner of the room as Janie cried. It's almost like she knew her mama was gone forever." Someone handed Finn a tissue as he continued to talk. "I'm so lost. I don't know what I'm doing and I feel so bad for Janie because she got the shaft. Every day she does something amazing and her mom isn't here to see it. It fucking sucks."

He doesn't wait to hear what the others have to say. Finn rushes out into the hallway to take a break because that's the hardest thing he's had to do since the funeral. He's just been existing all of this time. Tonight he feels like he's been stabbed in the chest.

He hears her footsteps and doesn't have to know it's her before she's next to him. She wraps her arms around him tightly and buries her head in his chest. There's nothing more going on between them. They just know how it is. He doesn't know her story but he knows enough to get her and how she is.

"I feel so broken Rachel. I'm a shell of who I want to be."

Rachel looks up at him, her eyes puffy from crying. "I am too Finn."

 **Thoughts? The next section should be up soon!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello! Welcome to part 2 of my story and a HUGE thank you to those of you who took the time to review. This story is a little heavy, but I promise some good will come out of it. All mistakes are mine and I don't own glee as usual...**

Life goes on and time passes and people talk about his "situation" less and less. Everyone else keeps on living but he knows what lingers in his own mind every day. He relives the moment Krista died over and over. Finn tries to remember the last words she said but he can't and it kills him. Janie looks just like her but has Finn's eyes. It's both a blessing and a curse.

Janie can sit up and grab toys and she smiles so wide when she sees Finn's face. She blows bubbles and laughs and his silly faces he makes when he feeds her dinner. He's so lucky to have her and he knows it, but it's so hard. He doesn't have anyone to share his joy with or sadness when times get rough. He's managing though and his baby girl is keeping him together.

The next meeting he attends he panics because Rachel doesn't show. She has never missed a meeting, ever. Although she never talks she sits there and listens and lets her emotions bleed out.

He texts her and asked for her address and she replies.

He left the meeting early and shows up at her doorstep. He knocked gently and heard a faint "come in" before he opened the heavy door to her apartment.

She's sitting in the dark, curled up on the couch covered in a blanket. Her eyes are red and strained and her face wet with tears. She doesn't move to greet him.

Finn walks over to her slowly and sits beside her on the couch. He's careful when he reaches his arm around her to pull her close, almost as if he could break her.

"Why didn't you come tonight? You always come."

Sobs break out of her chest as she tries to speak. "It's his birthday today. He would have been 5."

Finn's heart beats faster as he realizes what he's about to learn. Her story. The one she's kept locked inside for as long as he's known her.

"I just couldn't go Finn. There's no point anymore. It's not helping. I've sat in that chair for over a year and it's like the day after all over again. It hurts so much still."

"Tell me about him. Your son. I want to know."

She looks at him surprised, as if no one has ever asked her this before. Rachel moves from his arms and stands up as she grabs his hand. They walk down a long hallway and she opens a door to a dark room. She turns on the light to reveal light blue walls with a train border. Toys are strewn across the floor and the bed unmade.

"I haven't touched anything. I can't. This is how he left it and I can't..." Her voice fades out as she collapses to the floor.

Without thinking he picks her up and places her on the tiny twin bed in front of him. She frantically hops off and starts screaming. "If we touch it won't smell like him anymore! Don't touch it!"

He steps back realizing just how bad off she is and he wants to help her but doesn't know how. He hasn't touched many of Krista's things but he has washed the sheets and cleared her shampoo out of the shower.

"What was his name?"

Rachel turns around to face Finn from her place by the bed. "Ben."

Finn walks towards her so they are standing barely six inches apart. "Can I see a picture of him? I bet he was so handsome."

Rachel's crying again but she walks over to the dresser to pull a frame off to show him. "Here he is. He had just turned two and we were at the zoo and he was so excited to ride the train."

Finn looks down at a picture of a little boy with dark brown hair and deep brown eyes. He's dressed in blue shorts and a white shirt with a train on it and is holding a red balloon. He has a huge grin on his face.

"You should put this in your room. Don't keep it in here."

Rachel nods her head "no" and puts it back on the dresser.

Finn picks it back up and walks into the hallway. "This is a happy memory, don't avoid it. Put it in your room. You think about him all of the time anyways, so try to remember him like this."

Rachel puts the picture on her nightstand next to her bed and wipes the tears from her face when she walks away. "I don't want to be like this anymore. I'm so tired."

"Me either," Finn replied, "let's change it. I'll help you and you'll help me."

* * *

They start to text more and talk more. A lot of the time it's just generic conversation, but it helps knowing that she's just always there. He tells her his wife's name and shows her a picture one day on his phone. She tells him funny stories about Ben and his train obsession. It just flows and it takes the pressure off sometimes.

Janie is 8 months and says "dada" when he picks her up out of her crib after a nap. He cries tears of joy and hugs her so tight he thinks he might squeeze the happiness right out of her. Normally he would call his mom or Kurt first, but he finds himself dialing Rachel's number instead.

"She said DADA Rach! She said it without having to copy me or anything!"

There's silence on the line and a wave of guilt rushes over him. Maybe he shouldn't have called to tell her.

"That's great Finn," she hesitates as she continues, "that's really special."

"Do you want to come over?"

She arrives 30 minutes later. It's a Saturday afternoon and he wasn't sure what they would do but he's tired of being alone. They're friends, even though their friendship is based on something morbid. They don't ever judge each other for their actions. Grief does funny things to a person.

Janie's on his hip babbling away while she holds a teething ring. Rachel smiles at her and she smiles back and reaches out for Rachel. Rachel hesitates at first but scoops her up out of Finn's hands and smiles.

"I haven't seen her in a while. She's gotten so big! Look at these curls." Rachel rubs her hand through Janie's hair as she speaks.

"I'm sorry I called to tell you about Janie but I guess I just don't know what to say to you and what not. But you're my friend and you were the first person I thought to call."

Rachel shifts Janie to her other hip and pushes her hair behind her ear. "I know. I like when you call to tell me things. Most people don't know what to say to me at all. They just look at me with sad eyes and ask me how I'm doing. I just smile and nod. It's the easiest way to get people to leave me alone. They don't really want to hear the answer. They don't want to know that I spend my days and nights depressed and crying. You don't do that though. You ask me because you aren't afraid of what you might hear. You don't treat my son like a taboo topic. I didn't know I needed that but I did."

Finn smiles because she's right. He tells her things about his wife because she'll listen. She doesn't always say things back but she's not rushing to make him feel better like Kurt and his mom do. She lets him be sad and feel things he needs to feel because she needs to feel them to.

"Let's go out to dinner. Janie loves to go out these days and we can catch an early dinner before she needs to go to sleep. What do you say?" Finn starts clapping his hands trying to get Janie to copy him. She just squirms in Rachel's arms and holds her arms out towards her dad.

Rachel hands her back over with a worried look on her face. "I don't know Finn. I don't go out much."

"Well you came here, and you go to our meetings, so let's expand your horizons a little.

Rachel wrings her hands together as she thinks about it. "Okay. Just help me ok?"

He doesn't know why she never goes out and he doesn't want to ask, but as they are walking to the restaurant and she has a death grip on the stroller, it slips out. "Rachel are you ok? Are you afraid of something?"

Rachel's breathing fast and her knuckles are white as she holds on so tight to the stroller. "Just don't let the stroller go Finn ok? Just be careful. Are we almost there?"

He puts an arm around her to keep her close and she just looks straight down at the stroller as they walk. She looks like she's on the verge of a panic attack

They make it to the restaurant without further incident. Finn sits Janie in the high chair next to the table. She squeals and slaps the table as they get settled. Rachel sat flipping mindlessly through the menu, silent. He wants to ask her what that was all about, her freaking out during their walk. He knows better though, that she won't share if she isn't ready.

The waitress comes over to take their order. "Oh what an adorable little girl! She's just gorgeous! Where did she get the curls from?"

Finn rubs his hand over Janie's head, "Oh from her mom". The waitress looks confused as she glances at Rachel waiting for a reply, but she continues to stare at her menu pretending to not hear the comment. Finn asks for some water and a minute to order and the waitress leaves.

"Rachel..."

"Smile and nod remember Finn? It keeps the questions away." She purses her brow and continues to read the menu and says nothing else.

Finn doesn't think like her. Maybe its because she's been dealing with it longer, but as much as he doesn't like talking about Krista, he gets that people will make comments that will catch him off guard.

They make small talk while they eat, not really delving too deep on any topic. Janie gets fussy and babbles "dadadadadada" as she squirms in her seat. Finn picks her up and tries to hold her and eat with one hand but Janie grabs at the spoon throwing pasta into his lap.

"Here hand her to me. I'm done and you can finish." Rachel stands slightly and reaches for Janie and pulls her into her lap. Finn cleans off his pants and finishes his meal as Rachel sings Janie a song to keep her busy.

This feels a little too domestic and they both know it. Neither comments about how they look like a typical family out for dinner. Janie slaps Rachel's cheeks as she continues to sing causing her to laugh quietly. Finn realizes he never sees her smile and it's a nice change for once.

They walk back home slowly, Janie falling asleep in the stroller. Rachel didn't seem as uptight as the crowds were lighter at this time of night.

Finn gets into the apartment and motions for Rachel to wait for him as he put Janie to bed. When he returns her finds her clutching one of Janie's blankets on the couch as the tears fell.

"Hey, what's going on? I know you had a rough time tonight and I want to help you but I don't know how. I don't know all of the reasons you're sad. Ben, I know its Ben, but I don't know all of it."

Rachel places the blanket down as she stands to leave. "If you knew the whole story," Rachel chokes out, "it wouldn't change anything. I'll still be this shell of a person I once was. You have a shot at this Finn. You can find a pretty new wife who will love Janie and fill your void. I can't replace my child and I won't."

Rachel gets up from her seat and heads for the door.

"That's not fair Rachel."

She didn't turn around before she walked out.

* * *

She skips another meeting. He runs to her apartment and an older man opens the door. "Can I help you?"

Finn peers into the apartment as he pants. "Yeah, I'm looking for Rachel. Is she here?"

The man looks at Finn like he's crazy for asking. "She's not available right now but I'll let her know you stopped by."

He begins to close the door but Finn stops it with his hand. "Is she ok? She missed a meeting so I was worried. Can you just tell me that?"

"Hopefully she will be," the man answers before shutting the door for good.

She doesn't answer any of his texts or calls. She misses two more meetings and Finn wants so badly to go back to her apartment but he knows he has to worry about himself and Janie first.

Lately the mood has been lighter and even though Krista is still present all around the house, he's finding a new normal as crappy as it might be.

Kurt and Blaine come over for dinner. Kurt brings take out because he knows Finn is a terrible cook. Janie crawls around at their feet while they eat, carefully navigating between the chairs.

"You're doing great Finn. I know being a single dad isn't what you planned for, but honestly it's like second nature for you." Kurt passes the dessert around and Blaine picks up Janie who was stuck at his feet.

"Thanks man. I'm trying. I really am." Finn pokes at his pie in front of him, wondering what Krista would be thinking right now. Had she ever thought he had it in him to do it alone? He tries not to let his mind wander too much, not wanting to end up in the negative space as Mr. Scott would say.

Later that night he puts Janie to bed, tucking her tiny blanket under her feet for warmth. He wanders into his bedroom, noticing Krista's things everywhere. So much of her was in this room and he wondered when he should move it. The warmth of guilt overcame his body. Not today, he wasn't ready.

There's a knock at the door around 10:30 pm. He's not expecting someone but he knows who it is.

She's standing there with her arms crossed, hair in a messy bun on the top of her head. She walks in before being invited.

"Where have you been Rachel? I've been worried about you! I came by your apartment and called a million times." Finn closes the door behind him and follows her as she stops in the living room.

"It was my fault Finn. My fault."

"What are you talking about Rachel? Where have you been over the past few weeks? No meetings, and-"

"I'm the reason why Ben is dead!" she screams as she cuts him off mid-sentence.

Finn stood frozen across from her. "What do you mean? Did you ...did you kill Ben?" His hands begin to shake because he isn't sure he really wants to hear her answer.

"No! But I might as well have! It's all my fault and I can't be around you and Janie and pretend like I want to heal and get better because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be happy. It's my punishment, to live like this, and remember every day that I failed as a mother."

Finn opened his mouth to reply but Rachel put her hand up in defense. "No, I need to get this out. We are both trying to heal. I know this. At first it was just nice for someone to talk to or reach out to. I liked that you turned to me for strength because no one else had ever done that since Ben died. It felt good to show you Ben's room and you didn't look at me like I was some pathetic thing. You didn't cause your wife to die though. You didn't make her leave this earth like I did to Ben."

Finn waited a few seconds to make sure she was done speaking before he began. "Rachel what are you talking about? Of course we both need to heal but unless you tell me more about Ben I don't understand how my situation allows me to move on and yours doesn't. Do you think I want to replace my wife? That I'm just looking for the first girl I meet to take her place? I'm sorry if I EVER gave off that vibe but I can't imagine being in that headspace right now."

Rachel paces around Finn's living room nervously waiting for him to say more.

"I don't know what happened to Ben, but do you think he wants his mom to be sad every day? I saw his pictures and he looked like the happiest little guy ever. He wouldn't want this for you. You shouldn't want this for yourself."

"I don't have a choice. I'm not choosing anything. I'm all alone in this. I sit in those meetings and never speak because if people heard what I did they wouldn't feel the same."

Finn's mind was racing. Why won't she just tell him?

"Rachel I want to help you. Everyone in our meetings wants to. We all lost someone and we all have pain. You can't classify yours as worse than mine. Or that I can move on with my life because I can't either. I go through the motions every day for Janie but I still go into my room every night and smell my wife's clothes in the closet and cry. You have a room full of your son's things that haven't been touched. We're both stuck Rachel."

She begins to cry harder as she listens to him speak. "I don't want to be stuck but I have to be. My baby is never coming back and every day something reminds me of that. I'm a lost cause Finn. My parents pay my bills and check on me every day like I'm a child. I can't function anymore. I don't have a job, a husband, friends, nothing."

He pulls her to the couch as she cries and wipes the tears from her cheeks with his thumb. She's leaning against his shoulder and he feels her body relax. He thinks she's asleep but he didn't dare move or make a sound.

Finn wakes to Janie's cries at 5 am. His arm is asleep from Rachel laying on it and he realizes they drifted off on the couch. He tries to move without waking Rachel but she jumped up as soon as he moved.

"Oh Finn I'm so sorry I fell asleep! I'll get out of your hair." She scrambles to her feet smoothing her sweater out around her waist.

"Rachel no. Why don't you go lay in my bed and go back to sleep? There's no sense in you leaving right now and it's still dark out. I'll wake you once Janie goes down for her morning nap. The sheets are clean and it's nice and quiet back there."

Rachel normally would never take anyone up on an offer to help her, but she was so exhausted and the thought of walking home right now seemed daunting. She crawled into Finn's neatly made king sized bed and could hear him down the hall in Janie's room as she drifted back off to sleep.

Finn retreated to Janie's room where he was greeted by a "dada" and a smile. "Up early today are we? Let's go make you a bottle."

Janie's getting so big and now holds her bottle on her own while she lays in Finn's lap. He tries to distract himself in the silence listening to Janie's gulps and she drinks her breakfast. He stares into her eyes that match his and he can't imagine what he would do if he lost her. Krista died and it's painful and sad, but they had talked about what they would do if either of them died. It was one of those morbid conversations you never want to have but should. Now he's so glad they did because even though he hasn't moved on and he may never, she told him she didn't want him to mope around being sad forever. Rachel didn't have that. She had no closure from losing a child and he realized that maybe she had a point after all.

Nap time came a few hours later, around 8 am. Finn had managed to keep Janie calm so Rachel could sleep. Was it sacrilegious to have another woman in his bed? He woke her as promised and she met him out in the living room.

"Thanks for letting me sleep Finn. I don't get much of it." She finds her purse discarded by the couch and picks it up by the straps. "I guess I'll be going."

"Rachel wait. I think you need to talk about Ben this week. That's what the meetings are for and you never utilize the help. You can't deal with this alone and if you're not willing to let me or your parents help you, then let someone else.

"Finn I already told you I can't. Just because you chose to tell your story doesn't mean that I have to."

A knock at the door pulled them from their conversation.

"I have to go. I'll see you Thursday night Finn."

Finn opened the door to find Kurt and Blaine standing there with coffee and bagels. Their eyes grew wide when they saw Rachel standing next to Finn.

"Excuse me" she said as Kurt and Blaine step aside for her to exit.

Kurt and Blaine rush inside and Finn slams the door behind him.

"Finn Hudson do you care to explain this? Why is there a woman leaving your apartment? More importantly why is Rachel Berry leaving your apartment?"

Finn threw his hands up in the air. "You know Rachel? How is that possible? She's a girl from my grief counseling group!"

"Rachel is a famous Broadway Actress Finn. Well she was until..."

Finn wouldn't have known about Rachel because he and Krista were never into the Broadway scene. "I know what happened to her Kurt. Obviously. I don't know who she is or what she's done. I don't even know her last name."

Kurt stared at Finn with his mouth open until Finn realized he had to explain.

"No it's not like that Kurt! Nothing is going on. We just help each other when things get rough. It helps to talk to an outsider sometimes. Don't be mad."

Blaine begins to set up breakfast as Kurt paces around the kitchen. "I'm not mad Finn. I just wasn't expecting to see a woman leaving your apartment. I didn't think you were ready for that yet."

Finn became flustered. He took a deep breath and blew it out. "Kurt, I already said nothing is going on! And it's none of your business if there was!"

He stormed out towards his bedroom hoping no one would follow him. When he entered his room he was hit with an unfamiliar smell. Rachel. He sat on his bed and picked up the wedding photo on his nightstand. Soon he heard a soft knock at the door followed by Kurt walking in.

"I'm sorry Finn. I didn't mean to overstep. We were just caught off guard that's all." Kurt picks up the picture out of Finn's hands and rubs his finger across Krista's face. "This was my favorite picture from your wedding. I was so glad when Krista picked this dress out." Finn laughed a little because he knew that Kurt gave way too many opinions when Krista took him dress shopping and she complained about it when they got home.

"I don't know what I'm doing Kurt. Nothing is going on between us but I can't say we aren't friends. We just are both so messed up right now and if I didn't have Janie I don't know what I'd do. It's like we both can distract each other by focusing on the other person's pain instead of our own. It's not healthy I know."

 **Thanks for reading! I hope you're enjoying it and I plan on putting part 3 up tomorrow :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to write a review. I love hearing your feedback! Here is part 3! Mistakes are mine and I don't own glee. Enjoy!**

* * *

Finn is nervous going into tonight's meeting. He hasn't spoken to Rachel at all and he's worried she's not going to come. He walks in to see her sitting in her normal chair and feels relieved. Finn heads to his normal seat but Rachel calls his name and pats the seat next to her. Not questioning this break in routine, he sits down quickly before the meeting begins.

Mr. Scott gives them an assignment to help with closure. Several of them are struggling with this so he makes it a group wide thing. Everyone is to make a memory box of their lost loved one, putting only the most important things in it. He stressed to them that objects aren't memories and that you don't need to save everything that person ever owned to make their legacy valid. Finn pictures his closet full of Krista's clothes and it makes him want to vomit.

The usual people participate and Finn even tells everyone about the new face Janie makes that reminds him of Krista. He only sheds a few tears and is able to smile through it. Progress for him.

Mr. Scott asks if anyone else has anything to say and Rachel raises her hand. Finn turns to her and grabs her other hand tightly, realizing what she's about to do. She nods to him, indicating she is okay and begins.

"I want to tell you about my son Ben." Rachel says quietly. "He was the light of my life and at the age of 3.5 he died. And it was my fault."

Mrs. Martin let's out a tiny gasp at Rachel's words, but the rest of the group sits intently waiting for her to continue. Sad and tragic stories are the norm in this group, so no one is ever disrespectful. It is what it is.

"I was late for rehearsal. So so late. My husband had a meeting across town last minute so I had to get Ben to my parent's house before I got to work myself." Her voice grew shaky as she continued.

"Ben loved cars, trains, buses, you name it. Every time we walked through the city he would make me push the stroller towards the curb so he could watch them go by as we waited to cross the street. Except this day I didn't have the stroller because I wasn't supposed to be picking him up from school. "

The group listened closely to her words, knowing that every one of them meant something dearly to her. Finn continued to hold her hand tight, fearing she would melt away once the words finally left her mouth.

"I was carrying him but he was so heavy. He was very tall for his age and a solid boy," she giggles softly. "I had both my giant work bag and his backpack on either arm. He was squirming to get down so when we stopped at the corner to cross I put him down to readjust the bags. It was literally just a few seconds…" Rachel stopped to catch her breath before she continued. Finn squeezes her hand for reassurance and closes his eyes to prepare for what's to come.

"He….he stepped into the street and the car didn't see him. It happened so fast. It was all my fault. If I hadn't put him down he would still be here." Rachel broke down and those were the last words she could squeeze out before the sobs took over. Finn felt like he was going to be sick but pulled her into his side as she continued to sob.

Mrs. Martin came from across the room and knelt down in front of Rachel. "Listen to me sweetheart," she said as she rubbed Rachel's knee, "It's not your fault. It was an accident. You loved that little boy and no one here doubts that. Just let it out. Let it all out."

Rachel began to cry so hard she was no longer making sounds. Just a silent cry to the universe full of pain. She runs to the trashcan and gets sick while Finn holds her hair back. He wishes he could scoop her up and take away her pain.

Everyone stays until Rachel had calms down, a sign of respect for all those who grieve. Finn shoots Kurt a text saying he will be late tonight and he offers to take Rachel home. She was in no state to take care of herself.

They walked in silence as they usually do, except this time Rachel was snugly walking under his arm with her hand clutching his shirt.

"I'm proud of you Rachel. You're so brave."

"I don't feel that way," she says as she wraps her arms around Finn's side.

"Well you are," Finn replies.

Once inside her apartment Finn was unsure of what to do. Should he stay? Make her something to eat? He didn't want her to be alone.

"Rachel can I call someone for you? Your dad maybe?"

Rachel set her stuff down on the cool granite counter in the kitchen. "No. He'll just hover over me and my mom can't deal. I'll be ok. You were right, it did feel good telling my story. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you sooner."

"Rachel don't apologize. It's not my timeline, it's yours. Can I ask though, you said you have a husband? Where is he?"

Rachel sighed as she sat down at the kitchen table, crossing her legs beneath her. "He left. Two months after Ben died he told me he wanted a divorce and he left. He blamed me for Ben's death and he just couldn't deal."

Finn tried to hide the appalled look on his face, but he was always a terrible liar.

"I know," Rachel said acknowledging the questions on his face, "but I can't really blame him. It was my fault Finn. No matter what anyone says, Ben died in my care. However, the abandonment I felt on top of my grief is what pushed me over the edge. At least with Steve around I felt some connection to my old life before Ben. When he left I was nothing."

Finn sat down across from Rachel and grabbed her hands in his. "Rachel it's not okay and it's not your fault. It was an accident and your husband shouldn't have left."

"Grief does funny things to a person Finn. No one knows how they'll react until it happens to them. Steve left and now I realize he probably wouldn't have been any help to me, but at the time I wanted to die. I sat in this apartment and thought about all of the ways I could do it. End my pain and be done. For some reason I just couldn't follow through."

Finn takes a deep breath in and breathes out hard. "I'm glad you decided to stay."

* * *

He finds an old gift box, probably from a wedding gift, and scribbles "Krista" on the top of it. He's working on Mr. Scott's assignment of making a keepsake box of memories. His mom had called earlier and he told her about what he needed to do. She cried. Then he called Krista's parents saying he was going to start sorting through her stuff if they wanted to help him. They cried too but said he could go through it first and they would help with the rest.

Finn finds himself once again staring at the closet full of her clothes and shoes. He decides to save the shirt she wore when she told him she was pregnant. Janie would love that story when she was older. He places her wedding ring, a photo of their first vacation together, and a bottle of her perfume in next.

He struggles with what else to put in. How can you sum up how wonderful a person was into one tiny box? He knows that's the point of the assignment, to show that objects don't represent a person. The trouble was, everything reminded him of her. He wanted to shove her entire life into this box and save it forever.

Janie wakes up and he lets her play in his bedroom while he rummages through the closet. She tries to put on a pair of Krista's heels and it's the cutest fucking thing he's ever seen. She has a bright red heel in her hands and squeals as she tries to put her tiny foot into it. She's so smart already, Finn thinks to himself. He snaps a pic on his phone to remember it by.

Finn knows he has to save Krista's wedding dress for Janie. She might not use it but she'll never know her mom except through these things and that's a big one. The trouble is every article of clothing, every piece of jewelry, it all holds a story. There are the running shoes she wore when they decided to do a Bubble Run and they both cried with laughter when they finished the race looking like they had taken a bath fully clothed. Finn found her favorite black dress she used to wear only on special date nights. Those usually ended with Finn ripping the dress off at the end of the night.

He shoots Rachel a text to see if she's worked on hers. She only has the box ready she tells him. He asks her to come over to help him so she does.

He leads her to the bedroom when she arrives. His mom had originally offered to help, but for some reason it's easier to do this with someone who didn't know Krista at all. Rachel could be objective, his mom could not.

Finn shows her what's in the box and explains to her what each item means. He waits for her reaction hoping she would like what he picked. Rachel always tells the truth.

"It's a good start Finn. I mean this is for you, but also for Janie too when she's old enough to understand. I don't even know where to begin with Ben's box." Rachel sits on the edge of the bed as Janie crawls up to her and pats her leg. "Hi Janie! Did you just notice I was here?"

Janie pats her leg again in response.

"I think she wants you to pick her up," Finn laughed.

Rachel swoops her up above her head and Janie giggles as she reaches for Rachel's face. Sometimes Rachel doesn't want to get close to Janie, or anyone, because ultimately it sets her up for heartbreak and sadness. Soon Janie squirms to be put down.

"Yeah this is her new thing. You pick her up and she wants back down. I only have to do it about 100 times a day." Finn rolls his eyes and Rachel laughs and somehow this sad situation seems normal.

"Yeah Ben did that for a while. It's like they can't make up their minds because they are so busy moving around and discovering things."

Finn notices a faint smile on Rachel's lips as she says this. He's never seen her talk about Ben and be remotely happy about it. Maybe her speaking at the meeting offered her some relief from her pain, even if temporary.

They end up back at Rachel's apartment later in the day. He offered to help her with Ben's memory box too, since it's not the easiest task. They walk into Ben's room and he places Janie on the floor.

"Oh is it okay if she crawls around in here while we work?" Finn asks, not wanting to upset her.

"Yes it is. Ben loved having kids over. Now help me decide what to put in here." Rachel pulls his box off the dresser. Ben's box is way more detailed than Krista's box. It's navy blue with all types of vehicles drawn all over it and BEN written in yellow across the top. "Don't ask. I have a lot of free time just sitting in the house all day. I wanted it to be perfect."

Finn sits down next to Janie who has found a truck and is throwing it on the ground over and over. "Well what were his favorites? Or what will you remember him most by?"

Rachel walks over to the bed where she picks up a tattered lovey. It's light blue in color and a terry cloth material. She holds it up for Finn to see. "It's his Lion," she tells him rubbing the Lion's head. "He loved that it had a Lion head but a blanket for a body. Bed would rub the edges under his nose at night to fall asleep." Tears form in her eyes as she speaks, but she doesn't let the sorrow overcome her. "He was always asleep within five minute if he had this."

"Well that's a good place to start then isn't it?"

Rachel brings the lovey up to her nose and inhales. Sometimes she can still smell him even after all this time. She lays the lion gently at the bottom of the box and wipes a tear falling on her cheek. "Okay let me think of what else I can put in here."

The two work together and talk things out. Rachel puts his two favorite trucks inside and a train they got from a souvenir shop in Times Square. She chooses his favorite blue footie pajamas covered in pictures of cars in as well. He insisted on wearing them nightly and was so sad if they were dirty.

Rachel sits down with Janie and Finn when she decides to take a break. Janie climbs into her lap holding the same truck she was throwing earlier. Rachel rubs Janie's curls and kisses the top of her head. "It feels good to have a baby in the house again. It's just always quiet in here. At first I needed the quiet, but then it just became a reminder of what I no longer had."

Finn looks around the room at everything Ben once had in here. "What will you do with all of this Rachel? It's not healthy to have this shrine to him in here. Mr. Scott said -"

"I know what Mr. Scott said," Rachel interrupts. "I honestly don't know. I know this is holding me back but the thought of just giving it away makes me want to throw up."

Finn reaches over to rub her arm. "Hey, just relax, No one said you have to do it today. Would his dad want any of it?"

"I haven't heard from his dad in over a year. He took some pictures when he left but I wouldn't even want to contact him. I'll have my parents call him if anything." She places Janie back on the floor and begins to rummage through the dresser of clothes.

"You know he shouldn't have left Rachel. You were both hurting and he should have helped you."

She stops what she's doing and turns around. "He couldn't help me Finn. No one could."

"I wouldn't have left," he tells her.

"I know."

* * *

Two weeks before Janie's first birthday Finn gets a promotion at work. He pats himself on the back because he managed to keep his shit together with a newborn baby and his wife dying. He didn't know he had it in him that day Krista died. He's come so far but he still misses her every single day.

After picking Janie up from daycare he picks up takeout and heads home. She's trying to walk now and eating out is almost impossible since she never sits still. He texts Rachel because that's what they do. Now the texts aren't just about sadness, they include happier things. She's texts back that she's so happy for him and that she has news too. He invites her over.

When she arrives Janie says "hi" in her cute voice as Rachel walks in. "Well hello Janie!" she replies. Finn hasn't ever seen her like this. She almost seemed...happy.

"Finn I am so happy for your promotion! I know you deserve it! You kept it together for you and Janie and you should be proud."

He beams at her words because he is proud and he never thought a year ago this is where he'd be. "So what's your news? You've never had any to share before so I'm excited!"

She blushes as she sits on the couch, Janie immediately crawling over to her and pulling herself up on her pant legs. "Well, I think I'm going to go back to work."

They had talked about her career over the past few weeks. She opened up to him about her career on Broadway that so abruptly ended when Ben died. Her understudy had taken over and she never stepped foot back in a theater again.

Finn hugs Rachel so tight because he knows what a big deal this is for her. She spent the better part of two years barely hanging on, so seeing her like this made him so happy for her. "I'm so proud of you Rach. Really. This is huge and I can tell you feel good about it."

Janie smiles up at them and points to Rachel. "Rach?" Janie asks.

"Yes, that's Rach Janie! Good job!"

* * *

Finn invites Rachel and Mrs. Martin to Janie's first birthday party. They know it will be a tough day for him because the day his daughter turns 1 is the one year anniversary of his wife's death. They both offer to take over if he needs a minute to breathe.

Krista's parents had come into town last weekend to celebrate with Janie. They've been nothing but supportive and appreciate Finn keeping them in the loop just as their daughter would have. He lets them go through Krista's things and they take a few items, but leave many. He still hasn't decided what to do with all of the boxes in his bedroom that now contain her things.

Carol and Burt came into town for the occasion. His mom still cried a lot about Krista but now they were more of happy tears of how much Janie looked and acted like her. Kurt and Blaine came too, because they had basically saved him this year by babysitting while he went to his meetings. He felt really lucky today in a weird way. So many people had helped him get to this point.

He dresses Janie in her pink tutu and white shirt with a pink number 1 on it. Krista would have loved it. He's trying his best to make today a happy one. Maybe later he'll visit Krista's grave, he hasn't decided yet.

The party is small but Janie loves all of the attention she's getting. They discover Janie loves to open presents and rip the paper off. She claps every time she rips a little piece off, so of course the crowd also claps for her.

His mom and Burt bought her a little pink doll stroller to push around with her first baby in it. She still isn't walking but she can toddle behind the stroller with ease. Finn is so proud of her.

He finds himself constantly checking to see how Rachel is during the party. He knows this must be hard for her, but he sees her chatting with his mom and she's smiling so he hopes she's okay. "Smile and Nod" is what she told him and that's exactly what she was doing now. Carole reaches out towards Rachel and they hug for longer than usual. When they pull away they are both a little teary and she hopes his mom didn't upset her. He walks over to them slowly.

"Everything okay over here?" he asks reluctantly.

Rachel wipes a tear from her eye. "Oh yes. Your mom was just talking with me about some things and we got emotional. It's fine really." She smiles at Carole and they glance at each other and Carole walks away.

"Are you sure? Did she upset you? She tends to cry a lot over stuff."

Rachel reaches out to touch Finn's arm. "Yes, your mother is very sweet Finn. I promise I'm not upset at all. I'm really trying hard to focus on the good now."

Finn feels relieved and Rachel squeezes his forearm as she heads over to talk to Kurt and Blaine. They seem to be hitting it off as well and he thinks it's good they can talk to Rachel about her Broadway career. She's told him about her upcoming auditions and the sparkle in her eye is slowly coming back.

They sing happy birthday and Janie smashes her cake all over her face. She licks the frosting off of her hand and it gets in her curls and she'll definitely need a bath ASAP. Rachel and Carole clap while Burt snaps pictures. He feels his heart twist a little as he notices the lack of Krista's presence.

Kurt and Blaine give Janie a bath while his parents help him clean up. Rachel announces she has to head home because she has an audition in the morning. She and Carole hug one last time before Finn walks her to the door to wish her good luck.

"What is it they say? Break a leg?" He smirks as he gives her a hug. "Good luck tomorrow Rach and please let me know how it goes."

Rachel pulls away slowly. "Of course I will Finn! You'll be the first one I call, after my parents of course." Rachel pulls her bag over her shoulder and smooths out her shirt. "Thanks for inviting me Finn. Your family is great and it was really nice to do something out of the house."

As he walks back inside his mom is crying again, but he doesn't know why.

"Oh Finn, Rachel is such a nice girl."

"Mom stop, it's not like that. I've told you all before we are just friends."

His mom rolls her eyes as she wipes her tears. "No one would be mad if it was more. I promise."

Finn shakes the thought from his head because today is the anniversary of his wife's death and it's weird that his mom is saying this stuff to him right now. A year ago she was worried Finn would be able to function on his own and now she's trying to tell him to date Rachel.

Before bed he reads Janie this book his mom made with pictures of Krista in it. They've been reading it every night for a month. Tonight though, Janie studies the pictures closer than usual and says "mama". Finn tries to hold back the sob that wants to escape his throat for fear of scaring Janie. He swallows hard, but the tears flow anyways because his daughter only knows her mom through pictures in a book. Janie doesn't notice and keeps patting the picture and babbling "mamamamamama" over and over.

Finn doesn't go visit Krista's gave. Instead he gets her memory box out. He opens the lid slowly, releasing the scent of her perfume. He picks up her wedding ring rubbing his fingers through the cool metal. He remembers how long it took him to pick out the perfect ring. She wanted a plain princess cut solitaire but he had to make sure it was the best one he could find. Finn slips it on his pinkie finger and imagines it's her hand instead. He leans back onto his pillow reflecting on the past year and his little girl sleeping in the next room.

* * *

 **Part 4 should be up within the next couple of days. I hope everyone is liking this! It's one of my favorite things I've written so far :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Welcome to part 4! This is becoming longer than I wanted. At least three more sections to go! I just can't stop and this is the longest most out of control one shot ever! I appreciate everyone who takes the time to review and I love the feedback! All mistakes are mine and I only own Janie and the plot! Enjoy!**

* * *

The next afternoon Rachel sends him a text that involves a lot of exclamation points so he's hoping she has good news. She arrives like a tornado, flying into his apartment and jumping into his arms. He's never seen her like this.

"Oh Finn it was so amazing! I did it! I did the audition and nailed it! I didn't even get nervous!"

He hugs her tight so she won't fall and places her down in front of him. "I knew you could do it. I'm so proud of you. Did you get the part?"

She takes off her coat and purse and throws them onto the couch. "Oh I have no idea. I just….I did it. It's been so long since I sang for anyone and I did it."

He's not sure what happens next but all of the sudden his lips are on Rachel's and her arms are wrapping around his neck and it feels ….nice.

Rachel pulls away suddenly with a worried look on her face. "Wait Finn. What are you doing?"

Finn wasn't sure what was happening. He felt dizzy. He might pass out.

"Finn what was that? Are you okay? Why did you kiss me?" Rachel was still standing very close to Finn, her hands resting on his waist.

"I don't know you were just so excited and I'm so so proud of you and I wanted to kiss you. I didn't know it until right now but I wanted to." His eyes began to dart around his apartment as his mind raced. "I'm sorry Rachel. I'm sorry."

Rachel felt overwhelmed. On one hand she hadn't been kissed in such a long time, but this wasn't right. His wife was dead and she's standing in the living room that Krista once called home.

"Don't be sorry Finn. It's just, our circumstances... your wife died...and I don't want this to be something that causes more problems."

Finn's mind reminded him of what his mom said yesterday. Why did he feel like he was cheating on his wife by kissing Rachel? Why did he feel guilty when his wife wasn't even alive anymore? He couldn't be selfish right now. Janie needed stability and he did too.

"I just don't know what to think. She's been gone a year and I don't know what to do. I promise I respect you so much Rachel and we've been there for each other right? Have I been there for you?"

Rachel blinks back her tears as she realizes his struggle. "Of course you have Finn! And you've always been respectful. Always. I'm not going to say that I didn't like that kiss because I did, but I never want to be the person you feel is replacing your wife in any capacity. You have to be ready. I know what it's like, not being ready to move on. It's okay. I'll always be your friend no matter what."

Finn's crying and he doesn't really know why. Maybe it's because Rachel is too, or maybe it's because he fears at some point Krista will just be a far off memory. Will he forget her? Her voice? The way she laughed at his corny jokes and bad dance moves? It's such a foreign concept to him a full year later.

He hugs Rachel tightly because he is proud of her and doesn't want her moment taken away. She deserves every happy moment she can get.

"I don't think there's a signal that goes off telling you when you're ready to move on right? I think slowly it just happens. Baby steps are still steps. I just really appreciate you Rachel. You helped me through hard times even when I didn't realize they were hard. You are one of the strongest people I know and that will never change."

Rachel is crying harder this time and she realizes in some small way Finn saved her too. A year ago she hadn't left her house except for small trips and her meetings. She spent her days in the dark clutching Ben's things and sobbing until her tears ran dry. Today she went and auditioned for a show and walked there alone without freaking out.

"Well we can reinvent ourselves right? We will never be the people we used to be. We're changed. I fought it for so long. I didn't want to change, because changing meant I had to acknowledge Ben was really gone. Grief makes you crazy and irrational sometimes. A rough road led us here, but we can choose how to navigate the journey."

Finn kissed her again, this time a little harder. He could feel Rachel smiling underneath his own lips, her hands creeping up and down his arms.

There's sort of an awkward silence in the air and Finn begins to internally panic. Why did he have to change things when the vibe between them was finally in a good place?

Rachel says she wants to go home and call her parents to tell them the news but she promises they'll catch up later. Finn wants to go over to her house later, to be sure things haven't changed. Right now he's unsure and feels like he's ruined everything.

Janie was waking up from her nap so it was probably for the best that she left. He goes into her room and she seems a little crabby still. Janie lifts up her arms towards Finn and he picks her up and she lays her head down on his shoulder. Her puts a hand to her forehead and feels the heat radiating out of her skin. She's had small illnesses before, a cold when she was 8 months old and a case of pink eye last month from daycare. This was her first fever though and Finn hoped it wasn't going to last long.

Finn carries her into the bathroom and sits her on the counter while he fumbles through the medicine cabinet for the ear thermometer. Janie cries and clings to his shirt, so he picks her up and attempts to do everything with one hand. As he takes her temperature, he realizes its moments like this when he feels very alone. Krista should be here, holding Janie and soothing her while Finn did the other tasks. Instead it's just him, cradling his sick baby girl. The thermometer beeps and it says 101.5, so she's definitely sick. He reads the directions on the Tylenol box and thankfully Janie sips it right up and lays back down on his shoulder.

He tries to get her to drink something but she just wants to lay on him. Janie rubs her tiny hand against the scruff on Finn's neck as she drifts back off to sleep. Finn doesn't bother trying to put her back down. His girl is sick so he settles onto the couch with his phone and decides to call his mom.

Carole answers quickly, because she's constantly worried about Finn.

"Hi mom. Janie's sick and I'm trapped on the couch. How are you?"

Carole gasps. "Sick? Is she okay? Should I fly out?"

Finn quietly laughs. "No mom. Just a fever. I can handle it. She's just super sleepy and won't let me put her down."

"Oh okay. Well you know if her fever gets higher you need to take her to the doctor right?" Carole never wanted to meddle, but never wanted him to feel overwhelmed.

"I know mom. I know." Finn felt his voice waiver a bit but a sniffle escaped his nose and he knew she could hear him.

"Finn? Finn are you crying? Honey Janie will be fine I promise. Lots of kids get fevers and-"

Before he knew what he was doing he blurted out "I kissed Rachel mom."

Carole remained silent for a few seconds as she processed his words. "Okay. Why are you crying about it? Do you feel guilty? Did she pressure you?"

"You're not mad?" Finn questioned.

"Finn why would I be mad? Honey tell me what's going on?"

He felt Janie move on his chest to readjust herself. Finn rubbed her back to settle her back down as he continued to talk.

"I just don't know what to feel. I didn't think of Krista and I didn't feel guilty, at least not right away. Does that make me a bad person mom?" He can't believe he's talking about this with her, but he knows she'll be honest and his friends just act awkward when he talks about any emotions whatsoever.

"No. You aren't a bad person. When I first started dating after your dad died, I felt very conflicted. But you know what Finn? Your dad wasn't coming back and me holding myself back wasn't going to help anyone. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready and that's okay. You have a daughter to focus on and Rachel, she lost a child Finn. I don't think she's thinking about a relationship either."

He let out a sigh he hadn't realized he had been holding in. "This is just so hard still. It's been a year and it still hurts. I miss her."

"You'll always miss her Finn. Just make sure that missing her doesn't take over your life. Krista would never have wanted that."

* * *

He and Janie end up napping for two hours on the couch. He wakes to find his chest soaked and Janie's curls wet from sweat. Finn doesn't want to move her but he doesn't know how much longer he can lay in this position and still be able to walk tomorrow. He checks his phone and sees that Rachel texted and invited them over for dinner. He shoots a quick text back explaining the situation and that he will call her later.

Janie doesn't perk up much that evening, but he does manage to get her to drink some water and eat a piece of toast and she wants to go right back to sleep. He gives her a quick bath and she asked to read her "mama" book and he puts her down for the night.

Finn sets an alarm to check on Janie in four hours to see if she needs more medicine. He wants to call Rachel but he's exhausted. Janie is of course a very good baby, but she clung to him all day and he had no time to do anything else.

Finn showers quickly and checks on Janie before heading to bed. She's sound asleep, her cheeks slightly red from her fever. He hears his phone ringing from his bedroom and quickly scurries out of her room before it wakes her. He gets to his phone just before it went to voicemail. It's Rachel.

"Hey Finn, how's Janie? I'm so sorry she isn't feeling well."

Finn sits down on his bed to settle in for the night. "Thanks Rachel. She'll be okay." Finn hesitates before continuing. "Look I'm sorry about earlier. I guess this is still hard to deal with a year later. I don't want things to change between us because honestly without you I think I'd be lost. "

Rachel felt her cheeks warm upon hearing his words. "I feel the same. Please don't overthink it. I think we are finally in good places you know? Today was one of the best days I've had in a very very long time. Don't feel bad. It's been a while since I felt wanted by someone."

* * *

Sometimes they kiss. Like when she brings him dinner after he had a late meeting one night, he'll kiss her on the lips to say thank you. She always gives him a kiss when she arrives and leaves him to go home. They don't talk about it and that's okay. Sometimes they grow tired of talking. They've had to do so much of it with other people that's it's nice to just be silent.

Rachel hasn't booked a job, but word is out that she's working again so she's optimistic. Finn hears her humming when they're out on a walk and he once overheard her practicing when he showed up at her apartment. She'll sing loudly to Janie who watches her in awe. Sometimes Janie screams in an attempt to sing along which makes Rachel smile. Of course Janie is attached to Finn the most, but Rachel is becoming a close second.

Finn gets stuck in a meeting and realizes he won't make it to pick up Janie from daycare. He excuses himself from the meeting for a moment to try and solve his dilemma. He calls Kurt and Blaine but they are both unavailable. His promotion is still fairly new and he's trying to maintain his job and be a single parent, but right now he's in a panic. He decides to call Rachel to see if she'd be willing to help.

Finn knows she still has triggers. She never pushes Janie's stroller when they're out and she won't stand near the curb at a crosswalk. He gets it and never tries to push her past that. Today, however, he really could use her. He quickly dials her number and prays she answers.

"Hey Finn! I'm just getting home from an audition. You want to meet up?"

Finn sighs loudly. "I wish. Actually Rachel I need a huge favor and you can say no if you want to. Can you pick up Janie from daycare? I'm stuck in a meeting and daycare closes soon and I really need to stay. Your name is on the list so it shouldn't be a problem."

Rachel feels a sense of panic wash over her. She hasn't been solely responsible for a child since Ben's death, and it was in a situation like this that he died. She finds herself speechless.

"Rachel? I trust you ok? I wouldn't ask if I didn't. Her stroller is there so you wouldn't have to carry her. I promise I can be home by 8."

Rachel remained silent, unsure of what to do. She wanted to help him, but what if something happened? She could never live through this again.

"Rachel are you there? I need to get back to my meeting so if you can't just say no ok?"

"Yeah...I'm here. I'll go get her."

"Thanks Rach! You're a lifesaver!" Finn hung up quickly but realized he probably didn't use the best choice of words.

Rachel took a deep breath and headed out the door. "You can do this" she said under her breath. "Finn trusts you and you can do this." She fought back tears as she was walking to pick up Janie. What if something happened? Another accident? What if people recognized her and stared?

Rachel's thoughts had distracted her so much that she arrived at the daycare in record time. She walked in cautiously and looked around the lobby. It was set up similar to Ben's daycare, bright colors with bug decorations on the walls.

"Hi, I'm here for Janie Hudson. Her dad says I'm on the list."

The receptionist flips through the book and asks Rachel for an ID. It's all very status quo.

"Okay Ms. Berry, you're all set. Janie's back in room 5."

Rachel is buzzed into the back where there were rows and rows of classrooms. Each room had a different set of kids in it, separated by age. She flashed back to when she first left Ben at daycare. She cried for hours after dropping him off only to find out he had slept almost the entire time he was there.

She gets to room 5 and sees Janie crawling around on the floor, dragging a doll in one hand as she goes. Rachel walked in and immediately caught Janie's eye. She began to crawl towards Rachel with a huge grin on her face.

"Hi! I'm here for this little one," Rachel said pointing to Janie. Rachel picked her up with one arm as she put her bag over the opposite shoulder. The teacher gave her Janie's stroller. It was pink with a luggage tag that said JH on it. Rachel got her all set up to go, checking the straps three times before they started walking.

Once outside Rachel stopped to compose herself. She didn't want to lose it while walking Janie home. Finn asked her to do this and she didn't want to call him now and make him leave. Her palms were sweaty as she gripped the handles of the stroller. Luckily for her, Janie was totally oblivious to her panic, just swinging her legs freely and watching people go by.

She began to move forward. One foot in front of the other. When she came to her first crosswalk the light was green so she didn't have to stop. She felt relieved. Only a few more to go before she got to Finn's house.

It was rush hour and the longer she walked the more crowded the streets became. Janie had fallen asleep in the stroller, which Finn said usually happened daily. At the next intersection Rachel wasn't going to make the light so she had to wait at the curb. She allowed herself two feet in front of her, but in typical New York fashion, the crowd was not accepting that.

"Move up will ya?" the man shouted behind her.

Rachel decided to ignore him and prayed the light would change quickly.

"Hello? Make room and move up!"

"I am fine right here!" she shouted, hoping he would give up. The light changed and she heard the man mutter something about her under his breath but she didn't care.

The longer she walks the more relaxed she feels. People smiled at Janie asleep in her stroller. One woman even commented to Rachel that she was beautiful. Rachel smiled and says "thank you" because "Oh she's not mine and her mother is dead and so is my son" isn't really a comment you can make to a stranger.

As she reaches Finn's apartment building a sense of relief washes over her. She looks down at Janie who is slowly waking up, rubbing her eyes to gain focus of Rachel's face. Janie smiles wide as Rachel waves hello to her. Rachel fiddles with the keys, finding the spare Finn had given her in case of emergencies. As soon as she pushes the stroller inside of the quiet apartment, Janie starts to fuss.

"Up?" Janie asks as she holds her arms up towards Rachel.

Rachel picks her up and Janie immediately throws her body towards the floor. "Oh you want to go play huh? Well go right ahead." Rachel places Janie on the floor, who immediately crawls over towards her basket of toys and dumps it over. Rachel laughs, forgetting how chaotic having a crawling baby can be.

She cooks them both pasta for dinner as Janie manages to dump and scatter every toy she owns all over the living room. Occasionally she'll crawl over to Rachel and show her something, but you can tell Janie is just happy to be home. Every once in a while she'll crawl down the hall towards Finn's room, looking for her daddy.

Rachel has been here at bedtime before so she knows the routine. Janie gets a bath, followed by pj's and she reads her "mama" book. She always found it sweet to hear Finn tell Janie stories about her mom when they flipped through the book. It was sad but heartwarming at the same time.

Everything goes smoothly until she's flipping through the book with Janie who is babbling away. A memory flashed of Ben sitting on her lap, looking at his truck book and pointing to the pictures. She continues to rock Janie in the chair, fighting tears back as she leans her head against the backrest. It's a good memory though. It still stings because sitting here with Janie is reminding her of what she'll never have again with her son.

Rachel pulls herself together as she wraps up story time. Janie climbs up onto Rachel further and rests her head on her shoulder. Rachel sang "You are My Sunshine" to Janie since it was one of her favorites. Rachel could feel Janie slowly relax until her breathing steadied and her arms fell to her sides. She slowly walks over to her crib, placing Janie gently inside as to not wake her. As she covered Janie with her blanket, she realized how much she was starting to look like Finn. The hair was from Krista, but her nose and freckles were all Finn.

She finishes cleaning up the kitchen, picking up Janie's toys, and straightening up the counters. Rachel likes to feel busy. Busy means her thoughts won't creep up on her and haunt her about things she doesn't want to think about.

It's 7:45 pm and she sits on the couch and flips the TV on and the tears just start to fall. She misses this. She misses having a purpose and people relying on her. She's spent the better part of two years locked up in her apartment wasting her life away and needing everyone to help her. It feels good to have someone rely on her for once. Maybe that's why she let Finn into her life when she first met him. It was her way to help someone else for a change, even if she wasn't that good at it.

Finn walks in expecting to see Rachel happy that she survived the day. Instead he finds a crying Rachel on his couch. He rushes over to her before stopping to put his bags down.

"What's going on? Did something happen?" he asks frantically waiting for an answer.

"No," Rachel replies through her sniffles, "It was actually really nice. I just realized I've missed this part of normalcy. I miss having a family and taking care of people. I miss the drop offs at daycare and the bedtime routine. I needed this push. It was hard but I did it and your daughter is in bed sleeping soundly. Sorry I'm crying and scared you."

Finn placed his bag on the ground next to his feet before pulling Rachel in for a hug. "You scared me. When I saw you crying I thought something had happened. I'm sorry I asked you to do this. I wasn't thinking how hard it would probably be for you."

Rachel pulled back slowly to look Finn in the eyes. "No, I needed this Finn. I spent so long with everyone being so afraid to talk to me or push me to do anything. It just felt really good but bittersweet at the same time. I miss being a mom Finn. My heart is always going to hurt over that. I miss Ben so much, but Janie sometimes brings back the good memories instead of the bad."

"Rachel you'll always be someone's mom. You're Ben's mom. Just because he isn't here anymore doesn't change that. Just like I'm always going to be Krista's husband, her widow. It's just how it is. I think over time the struggles just change, but they are never gone. Missing people you love is constant, even if its not on our minds all day anymore." Finn pulls Rachel onto his lap, wrapping his arms across her waist. "Tragic things happened to us, and we were broken for a little while. Picking up the pieces of our lives doesn't make us bad people, it makes us human. We have to try and move on for ourselves and for everyone else too. You said before you were stuck, so now you aren't. Maybe its scary but it doesn't mean its a bad thing."

Rachel slid herself further into Finn's embrace. She felt safe with him. He never judged her, didn't look at her with pity. He just was there, always. He didn't push her to do anything she didn't want to.

Finn kisses the top of Rachel's head as he hugs her tighter. "Thanks for helping me today."

* * *

 **Part 5 will be up in the next few days! Thanks for reading and please review :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**So I was able to get this up quicker than I thought. We are getting close to the end I think... We shall see what my mind decides! Thanks again for everyone leaving reviews. They are very sweet and motivating too! I appreciate it! All mistakes are mine and I only own the plot and Janie!**

* * *

Rachel books a small job in a Broadway show. It's nothing major, but she's ecstatic and invites Finn over for dinner. Rachel had sent him a text that she was running a few minutes late and to use the spare key she had given him. Finn arrives first with Janie in tow. He couldn't find a sitter on such short notice, but Rachel never minds when Janie's around.

The apartment is neat and quiet as he enters. He's trying to balance Janie on his hip, her diaper bag, and the flowers he bought Rachel all in one hand. He set's Janie down on the floor before he drops everything. In the back of his mind he flashes to Rachel putting Ben down on the sidewalk for the same reason. Such a split second decision that changed her entire life. Finn closes his eyes tightly to try and push that thought away.

Janie begins to crawl around Rachel's apartment. She's been here enough to become familiar with the layout and she makes a beeline for Ben's old room. Finn quickly drops the contents in his arms on the counter and follows Janie. He's shocked to see that Ben's room looks different. Rachel had boxed up some of the toys, and all of Ben's clothes were in boxes as well.

"Tuck!" Janie said as she picks up the toy truck on the floor.

"Yes it is a truck baby girl! Good job!" Finn smiles as Janie tries to roll the truck back and forth. Although Janie still wasn't walking, she was flourishing in all other areas. She was talking more and pretend playing. Finn worries about her though, because she's 15 months and Ben walked earlier than that and he's hoping he didn't screw her up somehow.

He wanders around Ben's room, noticing new things he hadn't seen before. A stuffed bear from the Bronx zoo, some tiny dinosaur figurines lodged back on a shelf, and a stack of pictures on top of his nightstand. Finn began to flip through them, noticing they were in no particular order. There was one from Ben's birth that looked just like the photo he had of his own family. Rachel holding Ben with a beaming smile, her husband had his arm wrapped around her. The next photo was Ben at about a year old, spaghetti sauce covering his face and his big brown eyes bright. The rest of the photos were much of the same. Ben's life summed up in a stack of pictures.

Janie used Finn's leg to pull herself up, still holding the truck in her hand. He didn't hear Rachel walk in until she made herself known in the doorway.

"Hey there you two, " she says as she enters the room, a smile plastered across her face.

"I hope it's okay we're in here. Janie has learned this is where the fun stuff is." Finn picks Janie up as she whines at his feet. "Janie and I would like to say congratulations wouldn't we?" Finn holds out his other arm towards Rachel and she happly obliges. "So so proud of you Rach. Really. You've come so far."

Rachel squeezes Finn's side, inhaling his scent as he kisses the top of her head.

"Tuck!" Janie shouts as she smacks Rachel's head with the toy.

"Ow! Yes I see its a truck Janie." Rachel rubs her head and laughs. "I guess she's super excited about that huh?"

They walk into the kitchen where Rachel has picked up takeout and Finn presents her with the flowers. This is their new normal. They do couple like things without declaring they're actually a couple. Both have reservations about committing to anything, but there's no hard feelings. They just live in the now and try to move forward one day at a time.

Rachel explains to Finn how her new gig will go, her new schedule, etc. Finn feels like his heart could explode with pride. He hasn't seen her like this, so joyful and excited. It looks good on her. Happy Rachel is awesome.

They finish dinner and its getting late and Finn knows Janie has about twenty minutes before her head will start spinning from being over tired. They sit on the couch as Janie plays at their feet and Finn kisses her and promises to go to her show on opening night. Nothing would make her happier.

* * *

They stop going to meetings. It's not really a conscious decision. Rachel's very busy with the play and Finn's realizing he doesn't need to go that often and would rather spend time with Janie. They've outgrown the group really. They're still broken inside, just slightly patched up now. They still keep in touch with a few people, Mrs. Martin in particular. She's offered to babysit Janie if they ever need alone time. Finn might just take her up on it.

The pediatrician starts getting concerned that Janie isn't walking by her 17 month birthday. Finn freaks out and invites Rachel to come to the appointment with the orthopedic specialist. He doesn't want to go alone.

They sit in the waiting room as Janie crawls around on the floor, stopping to wave to all of the people in their seats.

"I'm sure it's nothing Finn. Look at her. She's fine." Rachel grabs Finn's hand and rubs the top of it with her thumb, reassuring him.

"But you said Ben walked at 11 months. That was six months ago for her. What if this is my fault?" Finn's face is sullen as he speaks, never taking his eyes off Janie.

Rachel doesn't hesitate anymore at the sound of Ben's name. He comes up in conversations a lot now with Finn and somehow he makes her feel okay about it.

"Finn, kids develop at different rates. Try to calm down. She's the happiest baby ever and if she walks a little late that's okay. She's just cautious. Once she starts walking you'll realize how easy this stage was." They both giggle quietly.

They call Janie back into the office and she clings to Finn as he tries to undress her.

"Let me help you," Rachel says as she takes over. She lifts Janie's shirt over her head and wiggles her leggings off.

"It's a two person job sometimes right mom and dad?" The nurse adds as they struggle to get her undressed.

"Yeah it really is. She's a pistol sometimes." Finn replies as he winks at Rachel. Smile and nod. Just keep going.

The doctor comes in and Janie clings harder to Finn. He tries to pry her off of his body, but Janie continues to grab at his shirt and cry. Rachel starts singing a song to her to distract her so the doctor can examine her thoroughly. Her version of "Bringing Home my Baby Bumblebee" works and Janie tries to sing along and do the hand movements while the doctor asks Finn questions. She relaxes enough so the doctor can examine her legs and hips. Finn's voice grew shaky as he answers the doctor's questions, Rachel realizing how nervous he really was about all of this.

"Well it appears to me that her muscle tone is fine and she's just taking her time. I can set her up with some physical therapy to push her along or you can start with some exercises to work on at home for four weeks first. What would you like to do?"

Finn looks over at Rachel, expecting her to help him with the answer. She shrugs her shoulders and mouths "It's up to you."

"We'll try the exercises. I think we can work on it at home and report back? I don't want to put her in therapy just yet." Rachel nods in approval and the doctor hands out the activities to do with Janie before he leaves the room.

Rachel begins dressing Janie as she squirms around on the exam table. "How do you feel Finn? You don't look relieved."

Finn walks over to the table, holding Janie still as Rachel continues. "I just thought I would have a concrete answer when we left here. I do feel better knowing nothing is physically wrong with her I guess."

Once in the elevator Janie starts screaming to get out of her stroller. They had planned to walk Rachel to her rehearsal before they went home, but Janie was flipping out because she was tired and Finn wonders if he should just head home.

The doors open and they get to the lobby of the building and before he can even say anything Rachel is unbuckling Janie and picking her up. He waits for Rachel to hand her over but she doesn't, just proceeds to walk out on the street, looking back to see if he's following. Finn smiles as he watches Rachel walking ahead of him. Janie glances back at Finn, but then rests her head on Rachel's shoulder as her eyes drifted close.

An overwhelming feeling washed over him. He watched as Rachel balanced Janie and rubbed her curls as they navigated through the crowds. Finn wanted this, wanted HER. He didn't want to remain in this unknown place, where they played house but it was never discussed. He wonders if she wants it too.

* * *

Mrs. Martin babysits on Rachel's opening night. Rachel had invited Kurt and Blaine, Janie's usual babysitters, and Mrs. Martin was thrilled to step in. Finn dressed up in his nicest navy suit, Rachel's favorite. He hopes tonight goes off without a hitch. Rachel deserves this.

They sit next to Hiram and Shelby in the front row. Kurt and Blaine are in Broadway heaven and spend so much time talking to each other that he was sitting next to Rachel's parents in silence. He felt a little awkward since he hadn't seen much of her parents during their relationship, but Hiram broke the ice and released the tension.

"Finn, I just wanted to say thank you," he whispered leaning over his seat. "Without you this would never have been possible. You were able to bring Rachel back to us and we are forever grateful."

Finn felt himself tearing up at this gesture. "I didn't do anything special. I guess I'm just what she needed at the time. She saved me too you know." The two men nodded in acknowledgement just as the lights began to flicker.

When Rachel came onto the stage, Finn saw a side of her he had never seen before. She was glowing, enthusiastic, and most of all happy. He looked over to see her parents cheeks wet with tears, the pride spilling out of them as they watched. He couldn't help but get a little choked up himself.

The world had been missing out on Rachel and he was so glad she was back.

* * *

After the show they all went to the after party with her. The cast had nothing but good things to say about her. They all knew of course, why the Broadway star Rachel Berry had stepped away from the stage, but no one made a comment about it. Everyone was supportive and happy for her and Rachel felt somewhat like her old self again.

Rachel's parents bowed out early, kissing and hugging her 1000 times before they exited the bar. Kurt and Blaine had made friends with some of the other cast mates and had wandered onto the dance floor. Rachel was acting different tonight. She seemed more relaxed and definitely was more physical with Finn. She was holding his hand a lot without hesitation. It was like they were truly just a couple out for a fun time and nothing else.

With everyone they knew preoccupied or gone, that left Rachel and Finn in a booth off to the side of the bar. The booth was designed for two people, one on each side, but Rachel was sitting on top of Finn's lap and sipping her wine while she soaked the night's events in. He had never seen her this happy and content. She was a little flirtier than usual and Finn inhaled the scent of her hair as she leaned back against his chest.

He doesn't know what comes over him, but he just decides to say it. Finn squeezes Rachel's side and kisses her on the cheek. "We can do this Rachel, if you want. I don't know if you're ready, or if you'll ever be ready, but I want more. I want to be more."

Rachel turned to face him as she sat in Finn's lap staring back at him, eyes wide and mouth hanging slightly open.

Finn continues, "You've saved me from my darkest places and Janie loves you more than anything. Just please consider this. Us."

Her silence scares him, but a moment later a smile spreads across her face and she puts down her glass of wine.

"I want us too," she whispers into his ear sending chills down his spine.

Rachel kisses him hard, more deliberate, and this time it feels different for them both. "Let's get out of here," she says grabbing Finn's hand in hers.

Neither of them remember the cab ride back to Finn's place. Rachel's pretty sure they only came up for air twice in twenty minutes. The rest of the time was spent kissing and touching, the cab driver surely getting a show.

Finn opens the door to find Mrs. Martin asleep on the couch. He wakes her quietly and she hugs Rachel and tells her how happy she is for her. She's come so far. Finn tries not to rush Mrs. Martin out of the apartment, but he sees Rachel walking back towards his bedroom and he can't think of anything else.

She finally leaves after giving Finn the rundown of how Janie did that night. He closes the door quietly and practically sprints back to his bedroom where he finds Rachel sitting on the bed. She has her hands folded in her lap and she's wringing them nervously.

"Hey, she's finally gone," he says as he sits next to her. "Are you ok? Having second thoughts about us?" Finn's afraid of what she's going to say in return.

"Actually, no. I just, I haven't been with anyone in years Finn. I'm just nervous I guess."

Finn grabs her face in his hands and kisses her nose and stares into her eyes like he needs to memorize her in this moment. "I'm nervous too. It's okay. I love you, and I hope one day you'll love me too."

"I've loved you for ages Finn Hudson. I always will."

They were both hesitant for what was about to come next, but as they made love all of those feelings of worry were forgotten.

* * *

They don't really talk about the circumstances of how they are together. If Krista hadn't died or if Ben hadn't passed away, they wouldn't be dating. They may have never even met. It's sort of an unspoken rule. They are both thankful to have each other now, and that's what's important.

It's Monday and Rachel is off so she offers to pick up Janie from daycare for Finn and bring her home early that day. She and Janie play and eat dinner because Finn had called saying he was running late. Rachel knows the nightly routine by now. She's been around for most of Janie's little life and she's been a mom longer than that, so she knows the drill.

After the bath, she puts Janie in a purple sleeper with pink pigs all over it. "Piggy!" Janie says as she points to them. "Hi Piggy" she giggles.

Rachel brings Janie into her bedroom and sits in the rocking chair with her. She knows if she skips any part of the routine Janie will have a fit.

"Mama Ista!" Janie says as she points to her book about her mom. Finn makes sure she looks at it every night before bed.

Rachel looks at the pictures again as Janie turns the pages. "Yes there's Mama Krista! Isn't she pretty?"

Janie pats the picture of Krista and studies it closely. Each page Janie inspects like she's never seen it before. The final picture is the only picture they have as a family, right before Krista died.

"Dada!" Janie shouts as she points to Finn. "Mama Ista," she continues, "awww baby" she finishes as she points to herself.

Rachel isn't sure how much Janie understands, if anything. She knows this woman as "Mama Krista" and it's so cute the way she says her name, but Janie has no concept that her mother is dead.

Rachel stands up with Janie in her arms as she places the book onto the bookshelf beside the crib. She hugs her tightly and kisses her on the forehead before placing her down.

Janie fusses a little and stands right back up. "Mama!" she cries.

Rachel doesn't think twice. "Oh you want your Mama Krista book?" she asks holding it up and handing it to Janie.

Janie throws the book onto the floor and holds her arms up towards Rachel. "Mama up!"

Rachel's stomach drops when she realizes what's happening. She picks Janie up, unsure of what to do. Janie, however, cuddles into Rachel's chest and relaxes right away.

She cries as she rocks Janie to sleep. What will Finn say about this? She's always called her 'Rach' until tonight. Always. Tonight, however, Janie threw the Krista book on the floor and wanted her instead.

Once Janie is asleep Rachel lays her down gently and walks out of the room before a sob escapes her lips.

She and Finn had never discussed the possibility of this happening. Maybe avoiding talking about things at times is backfiring.

Later that night, when Finn returns she doesn't know if she should tell him. They've never talked about this, her role with Janie. She does everything a mom does, but she doesn't live here and doesn't see Janie more than two or three times a week due to her schedule. What Rachel realizes though is how much she loves Janie and her heart would be broken if she couldn't see her again.

* * *

"I need to get going. Sorry you had to work so late, "she says as she picks up her bag avoiding eye contact with Finn.

"Hey," he says as she grabs her arm, "is everything okay? You seem nervous. Did something happen while I was at work?"

Rachel's eyes filled up with tears as she tried to hide them from Finn. "I'm sorry. I just...I don't know how to tell you this."

Finn's eyes grew wide, anticipating what Rachel was about to say. "What is it? You're making me nervous."

"Janie," Rachel whimpers, "I think Janie called me 'Mama' tonight. I'm so sorry I just didn't know how to tell you and I don't even know why she said it but -"

Finn cuts her off. "Oh." He can't say anymore.

Rachel rushes out of the apartment and expects Finn to call out after her, but he doesn't. She cries her entire walk home because she doesn't know what's happening. No one has called her Mama since Ben. It's hitting her all at once and she feels like she's replacing Krista and Janie is replacing Ben and it's all too much.

Finn sits on his couch and he feels awful. He let her leave without saying goodbye. He can't think straight and he knew in the back of his mind this might happen, but now he's faced with it head on. This isn't Rachel's fault and it certainly isn't Jane's. It's his own fault for never bringing this up in the first place.

* * *

Finn takes the next day off of work, mostly because he was up all night and can't fathom having to function today. He tried sleeping, but instead just tossed and turned thinking about what an ass he was to let Rachel walk out of the apartment upset. He didn't know what to do though. It hadn't crossed my mind what to do when Janie got older. Of course she thinks Rachel is her mom. She does everything a mom should do. Janie doesn't remember a time when Rachel wasn't around.

Janie wakes up just as Finn starts to fall asleep at 6 am and he realizes today is going to suck. He drags his feet as he walks into the nursery and Janie's face lights up when she seems him.

"Hi Dada!" she smiles, her blond curls sticking straight up off of her head as she waves.

"Hi Janie girl! Oh did Rachel put you in your piggy pj's?" He picks her up out of her crib and as soon as she hears Rachel's name she begins to look around.

"Mama?" she asks.

Finn's heart sinks a little and he picks up the book about Krista to hand to Janie but she swats it out of his hand. A part of him wants to run far away as he stares at Krista's face on the cover. He continues to change her diaper and walk out into the living room when she says it again.

"Mama?" Janie says as she looks around. He realizes she's looking for Rachel. She was here when she went to bed last night and now she's not.

"Rachel's not here right now honey," he answers as tears filled his eyes. He had been able to avoid this for a while. Rachel would come over and help and pick Janie up from daycare and they'd go out to eat, like a family. In the back of his mind he knew this would happen eventually, he just hadn't let himself think about it further than that. They never referred to Rachel as 'mom' so he never expected Janie to call her that. Why did he feel so conflicted about this? Krista was gone, but the reality that Janie really won't ever know her hits him like a ton of bricks.

By 8 a.m. he feels like a zombie but Janie won't nap until this afternoon. He calls Kurt to see if he can come over, but of course he has to work because it's a Tuesday and people work during the week. He wants to call Rachel, but he's not sure what to say. He's overridden with guilt. His fingers take over and the phone's ringing before he realizes what he's done.

"Hello?" she answers. Her voice sounds quiet and her nose sounds stuffed and he can tell she's been crying.

"Rachel I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let you leave. I just was in shock. Please come over. I need you to come over." His voice cracks a little as he begs her to come.

"Ok" she replies and then hangs up.

Finn paces around the living room and Janie makes a mess of her toys. He's nervous because they've never really had a fight and their first one was over something so sensitive. They always had a silent understanding of each other's emotions. This, however, was new.

The doorbell rings and it causes Finn to jump. Janie looks up at Finn but keeps on playing as he answers the door. As he swings it open he sees her, heartbroken and sullen. She lets out a quiet sob as he pulls her inside and wraps his arms around her.

"I'm sorry," he says leaning over to kiss the top of her head. "I didn't know how to react and I let you leave and I never want to feel that again. No one really can prepare you for these situations, the future without the person you lost. I'm not mad she called you mama and I hope you know that."

Just then Janie crawls over and pulls herself up on Rachel's legs. "Mama up!" she yells. Rachel starts to cry as she picks Janie up and holds her in between them.

The three of them stand there for a minute, embraced in one giant hug.

"I didn't mean for this to happen Finn. I didn't mean to replace her mom."

Finn feels like he's going to be sick because he has no idea how to make this situation any easier. "I think this is just another moment that makes me realize that her mom will never be replaced. She's just mothering from somewhere else now. Janie's lucky to have you."

This makes Rachel cry harder, and by the looks of her eyes she's been crying since last night. "I love her like she's my own Finn. I promise I do. I didn't mean to but I do."

Janie's looking at Rachel crying and starts to cry too. "Shhh baby girl its okay. I'm okay." Rachel bounces her up and down and pulls away from Finn to sit on the ground. Janie calms quickly and starts to play again and Finn settles in right beside them.

They're both exhausted, although Rachel did manage a few hours of sleep last night. "Go lie down Finn. I'll watch her for a while. You can barely keep your eyes open."

Finn retreats to the bedroom and the next thing he knows he's suddenly woken by Rachel shaking him.

"Finn I have to go to work and Janie's asleep ok? I just didn't want to leave without you knowing."

Finn shoots up and wipes his eyes as he tries to focus on the clock. "I slept for four hours! I'm so sorry Rachel!"

She cracks a smile and wipes his hair back out of his face. "It's fine. You needed it and Janie and I watched Frozen and ate lunch. I'll see you later ok?"

"Will you come over after work? I feel like we haven't said everything we need to say. I don't want to leave this unresolved."

She stands in his doorway and nods her head yes and walks out the door.

* * *

Finn tries to wait up for her but he's still exhausted from the night before. He gets in bed and puts on ESPN to watch the latest sports news but his eyes grow heavy.

Rachel comes over after her show to find Finn asleep. He's sitting up, head cocked to the side, TV flickering across from him. She can tell the past 24 hours have taken a lot out of him. He doesn't talk about Krista a lot with her, mostly because it can get awkward. She knows he misses her and always will. It's the same with Ben. No one will ever make her miss him less.

She slips on one of Finn's old t-shirts and shuts the TV off. She peeks into Janie's room, who is sound asleep. Rachel lifts the covers and slides in gently next to Finn. He moves when she settles in and reaches around her waist.

The next morning Finn is showering when Rachel wakes. No sounds are coming from Janie's room, so she lets herself relax. She hears the shower turn off and waits to Finn to emerge from the bathroom.

"Oh hey! You're up! I hope I didn't wake you." He walks into the bedroom, towel around his waist, and opens the closet to pick out his outfit for the day. Rachel can see a few items that belong to a woman and she knows they aren't hers. There are similar scenes in her house. She has an entire room full of stuff for a person who is no longer on this earth.

"Oh you didn't. I need to get up anyways. I have some phone calls to make." Rachel sits up a little so she can see Finn better as he mulls around the room getting dressed.

"Look Rachel," he says as he turns to face her, "I can't tell you how sorry I am for letting you leave the other night. I wish there were better ways to navigate this, but I still don't know what I'm doing.

Rachel smooths out the comforter covering her legs as she sits up further. "No one knows what they're doing Finn. We just have some harder stuff to overcome." She bites her lip at what she's about to say next. "I'm thinking of moving. I think my apartment is toxic for me and just reminds me of my old life. In a way I needed to stay there while I worked though things emotionally, but now I just hate being there. It reminds me of sadness and everything I've lost."

"Are you asking me to move in with you?" Finn laughs nervously.

"Well no, I mean if you want to we can talk about it. I just wanted to tell you because you're my boyfriend and this impacts you in a way too." Rachel had thought about all of them living together, but there's a child involved but that child already calls her mama so she wasn't sure what they were waiting for.

"I'm in this for the long haul Rachel. I love you. You get me in ways no one else can. I think if we move we find a place that's neutral. Let's start fresh. No lingering memories in our home we have together. Deal?"

She jumps up and hugs him, not caring that he's still wet from his shower and her clothes are getting damp.

* * *

 **There is part 5! Hope you enjoyed it and please review! I love reading them!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello! My laptop died so I'm trying to wrap all of this up from my iPad. I apologize for any delays! Thank you for all of the reviews! I'm glad you're enjoying this story!**

* * *

Moving out was both a blessing and a curse. It was emotionally taxing on both of them. Moving forced Rachel to deal with the remainder of Ben's belongings, realizing she couldn't move it all into their new place. She knows she doesn't need these things to remember him by. As time has passed her collection of Ben's things has grown smaller, but she still had quite a bit since she had the space to house it all. She doesn't expect Finn to make room for all of Ben's belongings and it's time she accepts her life as it is now. It's not a bad life by any means, just different. She can thank Finn for that.

Finn knew this part would be hard for her, so he did all of the research and found several charities that would benefit from Ben's things. He drives her to each place and holds her hand as the people thank them for their donation. They smile and nod, not releasing the reasons of why they have this stuff to give away. He hugs her and lets her cry when they get back to the car and she lets herself breakdown. Deep down they know this type of pain never fully goes away. It's always lingering, waiting to be called to the surface.

In turn, Rachel finds a charity to take the rest of Krista's clothing. Finn saves the important pieces for Janie, but the rest he parts with. He doesn't cry, but Rachel hugs him anyways knowing he feels guilty for giving her things away. The finality of it all is a hard pill to swallow.

* * *

They find an apartment closer to Finn's work, but still in the same neighborhood. It has three bedrooms and a little balcony off of the living room and they both love it. When they walked in they knew it was perfect. It's a fresh start for them both. A place to make new memories without the old ones haunting them.

Both of them decide to sell off most of what they own and buy new things. Only Janie's stuff remains the same. They've unpacked everything except for a stack of boxes in the hallway full of things that no longer have a place. Neither of them can throw them out, so they just sit there being passed over every day. It's so hard to have your loved ones belongings reduced to just one box.

The new home rejuvenates them both. The routine of being a family comes easily and now that they are living together they find their stride. The normalcy that now surrounded them continues to help them heal.

Both of them acknowledge how toxic their old places were for them. It was hard to see it at the time, but their new home really is givjg them a new lease on life.

* * *

Carole comes to stay to help them finish up the apartment and to see Janie. She's been very supportive of them which has been helpful since Krista's parents weren't thrilled with another woman being permanently in Janie's life. Finn had tried to introduce the concept to them as nicely as possible, but he can't blame them for being uneasy about it. He hopes they'll be more accepting as time goes on, but he can't expect them to ever be okay with it.

Rachel's first show has ended so she's taking advantage of having Carole watch Janie so she can go on a few auditions. When she returns she finds Janie fussing over her lunch and Carole looking frustrated.

"Rough day?" Rachel asks as she places her keys on the counter.

"Yes, she's been super cranky. I think she's getting some teeth." Carole picks up Janie's lunch to save any more of it from being thrown on the floor.

"Everything going okay otherwise?" Rachel asks as she picks Janie up out of her chair.

"Yes, she's really trying to walk. I hope she does it soon. I know Finn's been worried about it." Carole holds out her arms for Janie to come to her but she clings to Rachel and looks away.

"Sorry she's been a little attached to me lately," Rachel says as she pats Janie's back. "I do think she'll walk soon. She's so close aren't you Janie?"

"Mama sleep." Janie says as she rubs Rachel's face.

The look Carole gave Rachel makes her realize that Finn hadn't told her that Janie had started calling her that.

"I'm just going to put her down and I'll be right back," Rachel says nervously.

Walking down the hall, Janie hugs Rachel's neck tightly. She willingly reached for the crib the second they entered her room. Rachel lays Janie down and covers her with her blanket.

"Night night Janie. See you in a little while."

"Night mama," Janie replies as she rolls into her side.

Rachel gets Janie down in record time since she was tired and makes her way back into the living room where Carole is waiting.

"She's calling you mom now?" Carole asks.

"Yes its been a little while. It wasn't something either of us took lightly. We actually sort of had a fight about it. This is all still very hard. I want you to know that I will never replace Krista and that was never my intention. I love her as if she were my own."

Rachel is having a hard time reading Carole's face, but Carole cracks a smile and relief washes over her.

"Well I think that's wonderful. She needs a mother and you're doing a fantastic job." Carole motions to Rachel to sit next to her on the couch. "Honestly when Krista passed Finn was in such a bad place I was worried I was going to have to move in with him for the first year to get him back on his feet. I remember coming home from the hospital with Janie and he just sat sobbing on the couch while he stared at her in the car seat. He left his apartment with his wife to have their baby and came home without her. My heart was breaking for him. I love my son but in that moment I wasn't sure he could pull it off."

Rachel wiped a tear from her eye as she continues to listen.

"The second Janie began to cry though, he switched gears. He stopped his crying and switched into daddy mode. He got her right out of the seat and cradled her in his arms and promised her they would be okay. He lived up to his promise."

Carole pulls Rachel into a hug and they both cried together.

"Thank you so much Carole. You don't know what this means to me to hear this from you. Our situation isn't like anyone else's and we always will have things come up that other couples just never have to deal with. We're trying though. He's helped me more than you'll ever know."

* * *

Finn buys a ring. He's been through this before when he bought Krista's ring so he doesn't need to bring Kurt with him like last time. He spends about an hour in the jewelry shop, browsing at all of the different cuts and settings. Although Rachel is well on her way back to being the Broadway star she used to be, she relishes in the simple things. She's not over the top and takes nothing for granted, so he considers all of this while he stares at the rings in front of him. He narrows it down to a simple 1 carat solitaire with diamonds lining the band.

"I'll take this one" he tells the man working behind the counter.

"Excellent choice" the man replies as he begins to box it up. "Are you nervous?"

Finn smiles, "Actually no."

As he pays and walks out the door with the tiny bag in his hand, he realizes how happy he truly is and for once doesn't feel one ounce of guilt about it. He's going to ask Rachel to marry him. Now he needs to figure out a special way to do it.

* * *

Rachel is at an audition that's running long and Finn is home with Janie for the night. It's Janie's 18 month birthday and they still celebrate these types of milestones. Rachel makes him take a picture of her every month with a sign to track her growth to remember her by. These days though, the sign usually gets thrown or tossed aside before the picture even gets taken.

He gets an idea and prints out her "I'm 18 months old today!" sign and waits for Rachel to get home to help him. It's a two man job and Rachel is always adamant that they do it on the actual day and not a later on in the week. "It has to be accurate Finn," she always tells him.

Janie is getting so close to walking. A few times she's almost taken a step but she's so cautious and collapses to the floor before getting brave enough to do it. This makes Finn feel better though because he can see it in her eyes that she will walk soon. He and Rachel have been working with her every day and it seems to be working.

It's close to dinner time before Rachel whirls in. "Hi guys! Did I miss dinner?" she asks as she puts her bags down to greet them.

"I ordered pizza actually. That way we can hang out for a bit and not waste our time in the kitchen tonight. I've missed you today." Finn hugs Rachel tightly, but was interrupted by Janie pulling on their legs.

"No dada. Mama up!" Janie pulls herself up and holds her arms up towards Rachel trying to push Finn away from her.

Rachel picks Janie up and kisses her on the cheek. "How was your day Janie girl? I missed you!"

"Miss you!" Janie repeats and she kisses Rachel on the lips.

"A little slobbery Jane. We need to work on that." Rachel moves Janie to her other hip and hugs Finn with her open arm. "So my audition went really really well. I should hear by tomorrow. It's for a new Broadway play and I would be the lead Finn. The lead. I want this so badly."

Finn kisses the top of Rachel's head as he listens to her speak.

"This will put me back where I was before Bed died. I've worked hard to get here and I really want it."

Just then Rachel glances over to the counter and sees the sign Finn had printed out.

"Oh we need to take her picture before she eats! You know how messy she gets when she eats pizza! Her face will be stained red for at least 24 hours!"

Finn walks over to the chair they always sit Janie in for her picture. Janie sees Finn holding the sign and when Rachel puts her down she knows what to do. Rachel grabs her phone and begins to give Janie directions as she starts to snap the photos. Janie isn't having it though and keeps trying to climb off the chair. Eventually she rips the paper before they get a good shot.

Finn knew this would happen though, and has a backup sign ready to go.

"You're so good to think of that. Hand her the sign and run behind me and maybe we can get one before she escapes!" Rachel laughs.

Finn hands Janie the new sign and she smiles big for Rachel and she snaps away. They get about three good shots before Janie flips over and slides her body down off of the chair to the floor.

"I think I got at least one good one!"

Janie crawls off to Rachel's purse and begins to rummage through it, her new favorite past time.

"Finn can you just watch her to make sure she doesn't take anything out that I need?Yesterday she got ahold of my checkbook! Thank god I caught her!"

"Sure," Finn answers, never taking his eye off of Rachel who is flipping through the pictures they just took.

"Ugh most of these she isn't even looking until the last few. She's getting so big Finn I-" Rachel cuts herself off as she begins to cry. She throws one hand over her mouth as she tries to process what is happening. The second sign that Janie was holding says "Will you Marry My Daddy?" and Rachel finally sees it in the picture. She looks up to see Finn a few feet in front of her, down on one knee, with a ring box open in his hand.

"Come over here please," he says as his voice begins to crack. He didn't think he would get so emotional but right now he can feel the flood gates opening and there's no turning back.

Rachel walks up to Finn and stands right in front of him, rubbing her thumb across his cheeks to wipe away his tears. "Oh Finn," she says as she tries to hold back her own sobs.

"Rachel," he begins, " I hope you know how much you've saved me. You saved us really. When I first met you, I had no idea what you had been through. Despite all of your own pain, you helped me through mine. You just let me be me. I didn't have to pretend I was fine, because I wasn't. We always have had an understanding about each other and we never have to ask for anything because we always just know. Every day you remind me that we have so much to live for and I couldn't be happier." Janie crawls over to Finn and sees him on his knees and holds out her arms for him to hold her. He decides to finish the proposal with her in his arms because after all, they're a package deal. "I'm so glad you let me in and told me your story. You're amazing in so many ways. I know we were brought together under less than ideal circumstances, but we've managed to overcome so much and I love you for it. So Rachel, will you marry us?" Finn holds up the ring box waiting for Rachel to say something.

Rachel chokes out a "yes" before her sobs overtake her. Finn stands up and is crying too and they all hug together. He slides the ring onto Rachel's finger and that makes arachel cry harder. Janie is oblivious and asks to be put down and Finn places her back on the ground before hugging Rachel once more. He rubs the ring on her finger and she smiles so big he wishes he could freeze this moment in time forever.

Rachel sees Janie rummaging through her purse out of the corner of her eye as she grabs a lipstick. She stands up and turns towards them. "Finn look," Rachel whispers. Janie holds up the lipstick to Rachel and asks "mine?" which is her way of saying she wants it.

Finn can tell its about to happen and gets his phone out slowly. Rachel crouches down to Janie's level. "Janie bring me the lipstick and I'll put some one you ok? Come here Janie."

Rachel holds out her arms to Janie who is just two feet away. Janie looks at Rachel hesitantly and then back at the lipstick in her hand. Rachel knows how much Janie loves lipstick and is hoping this will work. Janie takes a step and then another and falls. To both of their surprise she stands back up and continues on. Neither of them say much because they don't want to scare her. Janie finally reaches Rachel's arms and they both jump up and down and scream.

Janie only cares about the lipstick and holds it out to Rachel. "Mine mama?" Rachel opens the lipstick and puts a tiny dab on Janie's lips. "Pretty mama" she says.

Finn immediately gets his mom and Burt on FaceTime to try and get her to do it again. This time Rachel sets her up across the room and holds the lipstick in her own hands to motivate her. Carole and Burt clap and cheer through the screen and Rachel grabs Janie as she reaches her arms again.

"Wait a minute!" they hear Carole say. "What is that on Rachel's finger? Did you two get engaged?"

Rachel and Finn start to laugh because Janie's walking had completely taken over the moment. "Yes we did mom. It was actually a few minutes ago and then Janie walked and we got sidetracked obviously. She said yes by the way."

Carole cries and Rachel starts crying again too. They chit chat and tell the story of how Finn proposed. It's all just very happy. These moments tend to outweigh the sad ones now, which is all they could have hoped for.

 **Sorry this chapter is a bit shorter. As always thanks for reading! I'm trying my best without a computer so please hang in there! Please review :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**I'm finally updating! Not having a laptop is really hard in terms of trying to publish stuff. I think there will be just one more chapter after this one. It's a long one so enjoy! I own the plot and the mistakes are mine and at the fault of writing on my ipad. I don't own glee but I wish I did!**

* * *

Now that Janie's walking, they try to get outside as much as possible to let her practice her new skill. They walk through Central Park every Saturday before Rachel goes to work. She's booked a new musical that's coming out in six months, so her rehearsal schedule can be quite grueling. Saturdays are their family days for now until her schedule changes again. Their new normal is a happy one. Some days it feels like their old lives never existed. This is both comforting and upsetting at the same time.

Janie loves the park. She gets to run around free and explore her surroundings which at her age is the most exciting. They walk in a row, Janie holding each one of their hands in between them. Finn pushes the stroller with his remaining free hand as they walk at Janie's pace. Finn's phone rings and he tells them to keep going, not wanting to interrupt Janie. She hates stopping on walks. Rachel continues on with Janie as Finn takes his phone call.

"Doggie! Look!" Janie shouts as she sees a medium sized white dog approaching them. Animals and sounds are her new passion as an almost two year old.

"Yes I see Janie! Want to go pet him?" Rachel asks as they keep walking.

"Yeah!" Janie claps and starts walking towards the dog.

It's not until they get right up to the man who owns the dog that she sees his face. Steve.

"Rachel? God I haven't seen you in a long time. " Steve says, trying to hold the dog steady on the leash.

"Hi Steve," she replies, wondering if she can escape without upsetting Janie. "Can she pet your dog? Is he friendly?"

Janie waits for Rachel's approval. They've been working on safety since they encounter so many dogs on their walks.

Steve looks down at the little blonde girl with confusion on his face. "Um, yeah. He's nice. He might lick her though."

Rachel crouches down to Janie and helps her pet the dog gently. Janie giggles when the dog licks her cheek.

"So how have you been Rachel? Is she? Is she yours?"

Rachel stands up, making sure to keep a close eye on Janie. "No, she's my fiancé's, but in a way mine too I guess." Rachel smiles as she looks down at Janie babbling away to the dog in front of her.

Steve sways on his feet and Rachel can tell he's uncomfortable. Rachel glances back down the path to see Finn standing by the stroller still on the phone, most likely a work call.

"Does your fiancé know about Ben?" he asks.

Rachel's eyes grow wide because she can't believe he would even ask her a question like that.

"Of course he does Steve! Do you think I want to keep our son hidden away for the rest of my life?"

Steve sees Rachel becoming agitated and tries to think of ways to keep the peace.

"Look Rachel, I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what? Sorry that Ben died? Sorry that you blamed me for it? Sorry that you left me when I needed you the most?" Rachel tries to keep her voice down as to not alarm Janie who is still focused only on the dog. "You don't get to be sorry Steve. You just don't."

Rachel wanted to scoop up Janie and run far away, but there were so many things that she had wanted to say to Steve but she was never in the right mind set. He also changed his number so she had no way of contacting him after a while.

" Rachel I couldn't deal. I couldn't. I blamed you and maybe a part of me always will. I just couldn't stay anymore."

Rachel felt the tears welling up in her eyes and she wished so badly she wasn't crying right now. She didn't want to give him that satisfaction.

"You took a vow Steve. To ME. You don't think I blame myself? Every day? Because I do! But you weren't there for me when I needed you. I wanted to die. I thought about ways to kill myself every day to end my pain. My own husband left me alone to deal with it all. Then I realized that I was better off. I don't need to be with someone who resents me when they look into my eyes."

Steve's mouth was hanging open. He had never had Rachel speak to him like that. Not even when he told her he was leaving.

"I hope you're doing well Steve. I'll never understand why you left honestly, but I can say that I'm doing well and I'm happy." Rachel picks up Janie and turns around to leave and sees Finn standing right beside her.

"Rachel are you okay? Do you know him?" Finn's staring at this man across from him and wondering what he did to make her cry.

Rachel wipes her wet cheeks with her hand as Janie tries to wriggle free to pet the dog again. "Yes, this is my ex husband Steve."

"Look man I didn't mean to upset her I just-"

"Save it," Finn says as he holds his hand up in the air. "Let's go." Finn whisks Rachel forward as he pushes the stroller and tries not to look back towards the man who has made his fiancé so upset. Once they are out of view, he stops at a bench so they can sit.

"I'm fine Finn," Rachel says before he can ask her again. "I hadn't seen him since he left our apartment that day. I was a little overwhelmed.." Rachel places Janie in the stroller and hands her a few snacks to distract her. "It felt good though. I think if I had run into him last year it would have wrecked me."

Finn rubs her back while she talks, letting her get it all out.

"And I can't believe he got a freaking dog! Ben begged for a dog and he always said no!"

"Rachel. Do you want to get a dog? We can if you want." Finn scrambles through his thoughts thinking of ways to make this situation better.

She giggles through her tears. "No Finn. It's the principle of it you know? Maybe it,s his way of dealing. Ugh I wish I hadn't seen him."

Finn kisses her cheek and wipes away her tears. "It was bound to happen at some point. Now its over with. Did you say what you wanted to say?"

"Yes."

"Then let's move on. We have to get you off to work, right Janie?"

Janie laughs as she chews her food and breaks the tension as usual.

* * *

Krista's parents had come into town last week. Rachel was working and wasn't around much, but it was probably for the best. Her parents were still uneasy about Finn getting remarried. He understands, but Krista wouldn't have wanted them to act this way. He decides to keep that thought to himself.

They had all gone to her grave and had lunch. Finn wasn't so sure about it but it ended up being nice. They talked about Krista and told funny stories and it didn't hurt as badly as he thought it would. Janie, of course, made everything better and she danced and sang with her grandparents which lightened the mood. Janie doesn't really know them since they live far, but fortunately she is a very social girl and allows them to dote on her. He hopes they left town feeling at peace.

Janie turns two and they have an animal themed party this time. Once again its a bittersweet day for Finn, but he feels so different from last year. He's made it two years without royally screwing anything up and he's proud.

Rachel spends all morning prepping for the party before everyone arrives. She's been obsessing on Pinterest and Finn feels this is over the top, but it makes her insanely happy so he lets it go. She spent hours making animal confetti and a banner with Janie's name on it. By now he knows sometimes Rachel has to fully channel her energy into something to distract her from other things she'd rather not think about.

Janie's dressed in a shirt with a red number 2 on it, with a poofy red skirt and red mary janes. She's running through the house holding a red balloon and squealing with delight. Her curly hair is now past her shoulders and Rachel had it pulled up in a pony tail with a giant red bow.

Carole and Burt arrived followed by Kurt and Blaine. Janie clapped when they came and went running through the house shouting "Looky me! My balloon!"

Rachel's parents came too. Finn had met them plenty of times but this was the first time both of their families would meet. They were both a little worried but it ended up being great. Conversations flowed easily and nothing awkward was said. It was the most normal gathering Finn and Rachel have been to in years. Janie has the time of her life.

Finn sees how much love there is for Janie and knows Krista would be so happy. He doesn't know how Janie will feel in the future, knowing her biological mother died, but he can tell that Rachel will do the best she can to make sure Janie feels loved every day.

Carole picks up Janie to place her in her booster seat for cake. Janie's eyes grow wide as Rachel walks in with a white cake with red piping across the top. The crowd sings Happy Birthday and Janie blows out the candles all by herself. Carole snaps a photo of Finn and Rachel with Janie. It captures the moment perfectly. Janie is staring at her two candles glowing in front of her as Finn and Rachel crouch down on either side of her. Both of them are smiling at Janie and it makes Carole tear up. She texts it to the both of them so they can be surprised later.

After gift opening the party starts to wind down. Janie is currently curled up in Burt's lap watching Frozen on the TV while the rest of the group chats.

"So when's the big day going to be?" Carole asks.

Finn and Rachel smile at each other before Finn speaks up. "Funny you should ask because we were about to tell you all. I'd like everyone to take Monday off of work, and Mom and Burt I need you to extend your trip, because we are going to the courthouse to get married."

Kurt claps and Blaine stands up to hug them both. Rachel and Finn's parents both hug and tears are shed.

"Wait a minute! Rachel what are you going to wear?!" Kurt asks.

"Well I was hoping that mom, Carole, and you could take me shopping tomorrow to find something simple. I don't want anything over the top but I don't really have anything I already own to wear. How does that sound?"

Carole and Shelby cry again and Kurt hugs Rachel. "One day! You are only giving me one day for this?" Kurt complains.

"I think we'll manage to find something." Rachel replies.

Finn pulls Rachel onto his lap and kisses her cheek. Everyone else in the room is still in an uproar, except Janie who is dozing off in Burt's arms.

"When did you two decide to do this? And so soon?" Shelby asks as she takes a seat next to Carole.

Rachel sits up straighter before answering. "Well," she says looking back at Finn, "we decided we didn't want anything big or fancy. We just want to be married and have all of you there. We will be hosting a lunch afterwards. Again simple. Please don't do anything else ok Kurt?"

Rachel giggles as Kurt rolls his eyes.

"Yes ma'am" he says as he salutes her.

Everyone leaves for the night, except Burt and Carole who are sleeping over. Now that Finn and Rachel have a bigger place, they split half the time with Kurt and Blaine and half at Rachel and Finn's. Finn takes a sleeping Janie out of Burt's arms and heads down the hall to put her to bed. Carole and Rachel start on the cleanup as Burt flips the channel to a baseball game.

"You did a wonderful job with this party Rachel. You could be a party planner if you needed a second career." Carole was rushing around the kitchen picking up plates and cups while talking. "Janie had an amazing time."

"Aw thank you Carole. That's sweet but I think I'll stick to singing. I used to plan great parties for my son too. He loved them."

Rachel continued to help Carole clean up and for once mentioning Ben and the past didn't cause anyone to cry or stop in their tracks.

"His last birthday party I threw for him was a dinosaur them and we had it at the Science Museum. I spent way too much money on it but it was super fun. I don't see Janie loving dinosaurs anytime soon. She's all about Frozen all day every day."

Carole laughs nervously trying to gage Rachel's emotions, but Rachel just continues on so Carole does too. Her comments about Ben now come from a place of happiness instead of sadness.

Finn emerges from Janie's room just in time to take the trash out.

"Is she all knocked out?" Rachel asks.

"Oh yeah. She didn't even move and I changed her and everything! She was wiped! I think that's a sign of a good party." Finn grabs the bags and walks out the door. He leaves Rachel with a smile on her face.

* * *

The morning of their wedding was like any other morning. Finn and Rachel tag team Janie while they both showered and got ready. There was no mystery to what they would each be wearing or the anticipation of walking down the aisle. They didn't need that. They've lived through it once. Their relationship was based on the need for stability and not about surprises. It was safer that way.

Rachel was dressed in her robe and as she finished drying her hair she remembered the wedding gift she had bought for Finn. They hadn't really discussed exchanging gifts, and she knew he wouldn't want anything grandiose, but she had to get him something to remember the day by. She calls Finn in from the living room, where he was just finishing up feeding Janie breakfast.

"How are you doing on time Rach? Do you need me to do anything else? Janie's watching Mickey Mouse so we should have a good 20 minutes before we hear a peep out of her." Finn began getting undressed to take a shower. They had just under two hours until they had to be at the courthouse.

"Finn wait a minute. Come here." Rachel pat the space beside her on the bed.

"Really? Now? Janie's awake. You never want to do it when she's awake. What if she needs something?" Finn walks over to the bed anyways, hoping Rachel was feeling a little frisky on their wedding day.

Rachel giggles. "No Finn, I have something to give you. Not like that!" She swats Finn's arm as he grins. "I have a wedding gift for you. It's nothing big, but it's something to remember us by."

Rachel reaches down beside the bed and pulls up a clean black box. It's fairly large, and there's writing on the top in white.

"Finn and Rachel." He reads out loud.

"It's our box. The one for you and I. A happy box filled with the memories we make." Finn is floored. This looks just like the boxes they had made for Krista and Ben. They keep them high up in the closet and haven't looked at them in a while.

"Wow Rachel. This is amazing. So thoughtful." Finn rubs his fingers on the edges of the writing. He could tell Rachel had spent a lot of time making sure it was perfect. He leans over and gives her a soft kiss on the lips. "I love it. It's perfect." Finn leans over to pull her in for a kiss.

"Open it up. I've already started to fill it." Rachel claps her hands together with excitement, knowing what's inside.

Finn lifts the lid up to find a few items from their past. A brochure from the Therapy Group where they met, the playbill from Rachel's first play she did after Ben had passed away, and a picture from the night they got engaged holding up the sign Janie was holding in the picture. She had included a few random pictures from various places they had been, and a family pic of them with Janie in the park. All good memories.

He didn't realize he had tears forming in his eyes until he looks up and sees hers. "Thank you Rachel. I can't wait to add a picture from today in it soon."

She hugs him tightly, amazed that this day is here and how happy she truly feels.

"I have something for you too. Sit tight while I go grab it." Rachel sits quietly on the bed as Finn goes into the spare room. She can hear him rummaging around and laughs when she hears him bump into the wall.

"You okay in there?" she shouts, stifling a laugh.

"Yes! And I know you're laughing at me!" he shouts back.

When he returns he has a package in his hands, wrapped in light blue paper with a white ribbon. He places is delicately in her hand.

"Before you open this, I just want to say that I'm so proud of how hard you have worked over the past two and a half years to heal. I took a chance doing this, but I promise I have good intentions behind this."

Rachel's hands began to shake and she felt nervous. She had no idea what he could possibly be talking about. She slowly unties the white ribbon, letting it fall to the floor. The paper was blue and he had taped it way too much, but she managed to get it off fairly quickly. What remained in her hands was a small album. It was navy blue leather with the letter "B" embossed on the cover. Tears were flowing before she even knew what was inside the cover.

"Finn, what is this? Is it for Ben?" Rachel wipes the tears from her cheeks as she waits for a reply.

"Well, yes. Ben is a part of our lives, even though he isn't here anymore. I wanted to make you something special to remember him by. I wanted him to be present with us today. He's my son now too you know."

With that Rachel lost it. Finn pulls her in for a hug and apologizes for making her cry. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. You didn't even see the inside yet."

Rachel slowly opens up the book. The first page is a picture of Ben as a baby, sleeping soundly on a blue blanket that Rachel had bought while she was pregnant. The next was a picture of him in his high chair taking his first bite of food. As she continues on, she sees that each picture has special meaning to her. All happy memories of her precious boy.

"I pulled these from your stack of pictures you kept at your old apartment. I remembered the stories you told me about him, and tried to gather the pictures that seemed to capture all the best parts of him. He's here today in spirit. I know he is."

Finn pulls Rachel into his arms. She curls up into a ball, like she wants to disappear into Finn's arms completely. He kisses the top of her head and let's her tears flow freely. They sit in silence, both understanding the need for this moment.

Rachel calms down within a few minutes. She sits up and kisses Finn on the lips as she whispers "I love you. This is the nicest thing you could have done for me today. I feel he's here with me too."

* * *

Monday morning at 10 am Finn and Rachel stand across from each other at the courthouse. Finn was in a crisp black suit and Rachel in a white cap sleeved shift dress and white heels. Her hair was curled and simple, handing on her shoulders.

Janie was wearing a white sleeveless dress that poofed out at the waist. She called it her "Elsa Dress" and they were worried she might never take it off. She of course had no idea what was going on, but as always was excited to see all of the familiar faces.

The family was gathered in the pews in front of them, while Janie ran from person to person giving hugs and kisses, oblivious to what was really taking place.

Shelby and Hiram sat in the front row near Rachel, clasping their hands together, so proud and happy for Rachel in this moment. Two and a half years ago they had to force Rachel to get out of bed and eat. They took shifts staying with her to make sure she didn't end her life. Today their daughter was standing in front of them with a smile plastered across her face. A smile they thought would never make an appearance again.

Kurt, Blaine, Carole and Burt all sit near Finn. Janie is propped up on Burt's lap, her new favorite place. Carole is already crying seeing her son so happy again. Two years ago she couldn't have imagined they'd be here today. She kisses Janie on the cheek, so happy that this little girl has so much love surrounding her.

The judge puts on her robe and begins to speak. Finn and Rachel never take their eyes off of each other as the judge says her legal obligations. Although this was a civil ceremony, they chose to write some short vows to each other. Finn chose to go first.

He pulls out a tiny paper from his pocket, hands shaking as he unfolds it. He grabs Rachel's right hand in his left as he begins to read. He sees she's crying before he begins.

"Rachel, We've been given a second chance at happiness. I don't know why, but we are so lucky to have it. You helped me when I needed someone to talk to, to help me through the pain. You never judged me, only stood by my side. Today I give you my love, my heart, and my hope for the future. I promise to bring you joy, to learn from you, and to wipe away your tears when you're sad. I'll be there for you, today and always."

His voice starts to falter a little as he prepares for his last part. He can hear his mom and Shelby sniffling from their seats. He looks back up at Rachel who is dabbing her eyes with a tissue.

"Thank you for being a mom to Janie," he says as the trees begin to fall. "You've always been there for her since the day you came into our lives. I know you love her unconditionally and she loves you too. Thank you for making us a family."

The entire crowd is tearing up, even Burt. Janie squirms out of his lap and runs over to Hiram and shouts "HI!". This breaks the seriousness of the moment and everyone laughs. Janie wanders from person to person waving and laughing.

"Well I don't know how I can follow that up but I'll try," Rachel says drawing attention back up to the couple.

"You told me to keep this short, but I really could have written a novel about all you'e done for me. Because of you I laugh, I smile, I dare to dream again. I was so lost when I met you, but you gave me a purpose. You showed me that I could be something for someone else, that my life wasn't over. Janie helped me in her own way too, and I'm so honored that you've let me be a mother to her. I promise to love and care for you both as long as I live."

By this time Kurt is on the verge of hysterics and Blaine is running out of tissues to pass him.

The judge finishes her statements and they kiss to seal the deal. The two smile through their tears. The group erupts with applause and Janie runs up to Finn clapping as well. "Hold me daddy!" she screams as Finn bends over to pick her up. She inspects her parents faces closely. "No sad Mama," she says point to Rachel's face.

Rachel laughs through her tears. "Oh sweetie I'm just happy ok? Mama's happy."

The three of them stand together as Carole and Shelby snap photos of the moment.

The group go out to lunch at a restaurant not far from the courthouse. A few patrons congratulate them as they walk to the banquet room in the back. Janie clings to Finn as they navigate through the tables and arrive in the nicely decorated room.

"Okay I'll admit this is nicer than I thought it would be," Kurt remarks.

"I told you it would be fine Kurt. Not everything has to be over the top." Rachel replies as her eyes scan the room. It's simple and sweet. Just what she wanted today to be. They didn't need anything more. Just love and family which is what today is about.

Everyone finds a seat and chit chats while they wait for the food. Janie is still clinging to Finn, overwhelmed by the days events so far. Rachel pulls the high chair in between them and coaxes Janie to sit so Finn can have a break.

Hiram picks up his champagne glass to start a toast. "I'd like everyone to raise their glasses for Rachel and Finn. Finn, we can't thank you enough for finding your way into our daughters heart. You did something none of us were able to do, and that was to get her to live again. Rachel, we love you and are so glad you found happiness again." The group raises their glasses and clink them together with joy.

Finn and Rachel had hoped Janie would be fine skipping her nap during the luncheon, but thirty minutes in Janie wasn't having it. She was whining and wanting to be held only by Rachel or Finn. Carole and Shelby tried to hold her so the newly married couple could relax, but that only made Janie more upset.

"Thanks for trying Carole, but I think our princess is a little overwhelmed today," Rachel says as she holds her arms out to Janie. Janie immediately flings herself into Rachel's arms, throwing Carole a look.

"Well I think this one is moody today huh?" Carole laughs.

Shelby rubs Janie's back while Rachel holds her but Janie pushes her arm away. Rachel calls to Finn, asking him to look in her bag for Janie's blanket.

Finn walks behind the table and opens up Rachel's giant purse and sees the blanket folded nicely on top. As he grabs it, he feels the leather hit his fingers. Ben's book. A small smile breaks out across his face and he looks up to see Rachel rocking Janie back and forth and motioning for him to bring the blanket. He hurries over and covers Janie's back with the blanket as her eyes begin to close. "I think she might fall asleep if you keep going. Want me to take her?"

"No I'm good. Thanks though." She leans up to give him a quick kiss before resuming her rocking.

Finn decides to give an impromptu speech to the group. He clinks a knife against a glass to gain everyone's attention and calls Rachel to his side. Janie is now asleep on her shoulder so they are both relieved.

"I'd like to say a few words if you don't mind," Finn starts. He wraps his free arm around Rachel while holding a champagne glass in the other. The rest of the group follows suit and holds their glasses in the air.

"We would just like to thank everyone for coming today. Everyone here has played a special part in our lives up until now. Neither of us would be in this place without you all beside us. So please raise your glass to all of the new memories we will make from today on." Rachel's hands are full so Finn picks up her glass for her and clinks it against his. She smiles as he puts her glass up to her mouth so she can take a sip. Janie's finally sound asleep and no one wants to wake her.

The lunch ends after dessert. It's only 2 p.m. so its weird to think they just go about their day from this point on. They pack up to leave, Janie still asleep on Rachel's shoulder.

"We have a surprise for you two!" Kurt says as he claps his hands together. "Carole and Dad are going to watch Janie for you tonight and we got you a room at the Waldorf and made reservations at the restaurant inside the hotel for dinner. We know you said nothing fancy and no gifts, but you aren't even taking a honeymoon! You have to do something special!"

Finn and Rachel look at each other hesitantly. They hadn't left Janie alone overnight, but it would be nice to get away for a little while.

"Okay," Rachel answers. "So what's the plan right now?" She looks to Finn for guidance, who in turn looks at Kurt.

"Well," Kurt begins, Blaine eagerly standing next to him smiling. "You two are going to go home and pack your bags and get the hell out of your apartment. I arranged for early check in so you two can do whatever you please with yourselves." Kurt laughs and Blaine slaps his arm.

"Kurt!" Blaine yells. "What he means is, Carole and Burt will have it covered and you two can enjoy the city for the day and night. It's our gift to you."

Shelby and Hiram say their goodbyes, while Kurt and Blaine finalize the details with Finn for their night.

* * *

The cab ride back to the apartment was quiet, neither of them wanting to wake Janie from her nap. Upon arriving home, Finn takes Janie from Rachel and transfers her to her crib, not even bothering to take her giant flower girl dress off.

He finds Rachel in their bedroom beginning to pack. "Did she wake up at all? I'm worried she's getting sick. She never sleeps this hard!"

Finn begins to lay a few items on the bed for Rachel to throw in the bag. "I think it was just a busy day for her. She's fine and my parents will be here shortly and can take care of her. We need this night away, even if its just for 24 hours. It's our honeymoon just 15 minutes away." Finn laughs as he changes out of his suit into some jeans and a t-shirt.

"I know I'm just worried about her. Maybe its just that part of me doesn't want to leave her tonight. Rachel takes off her white dress and heels, replacing them with a casual sundress and flats. No sooner did she have their bag packed did she hear a faint knock at the front door.

"You finish up and I'll get my parents set up," Finn says as he rushes out of the room.

Rachel can hear whispering from the living room and appreciates everyone keeping quiet for Janie. She glances over at her purse to see if she needs to add anything to it and she sees Ben's book still there. She wonders if it would be weird to take it to the hotel tonight.

Finn walks in and sees her rummaging through her bag. "I saw Ben's book in there. I think its nice that you brought it today. Are you ready to go?"

Rachel holds the book in her hands as she turns to Finn. "Would it be weird to just have this in my purse sometimes? Is that a morbid thing to do? Have an album of your dead son on you at all times?"

Finn rubs her back in slow circles as he inhales. "I think you need to do whatever you want to do and stop worrying about what others will think. Only you can know what you need. If you want to keep it in there, then keep it. You know I won't judge you." He kisses her cheek and grabs their duffel bag and leaves her on her own to decide what to do.

Rachel places the book in her nightstand, knowing it will be there when she gets home tomorrow. She misses Ben so much, but she thinks he'd be proud of her in his own little boy mind. Tonight, she's going to focus on the fact that she's starting a new life.

Janie's still asleep when they leave so they gave Burt and Carole thorough instructions on what to do. Even Finn is starting to worry Janie is sick but tries not to bring it up to Rachel. If they only have one night alone for their wedding night, he wants to take advantage of it.

* * *

Rachel is quiet on the cab ride to the hotel. She isn't thrilled that they had to leave Janie for the night, but she's excited for some alone time with Finn. They did get married today after all.

They're astonished to see what room Kurt booked for them. It's a beautiful suite and he had rose petals dropped across the bed. Finn rolls his eyes at this, because its kind of creepy that his own brother set this up.

"Well your brother really went all out. It's so nice of he and Blaine to do this. I wonder if they'll get married soon? Their wedding will be a blast!" She lays down their bag on the bed and looks up to see Finn checking his phone.

"Finn? are you listening?"

Finn looks up and puts his phone back in his pocket. "Sorry I just wanted to send my mom a text to see if Janie is up. And I think Kurt and Blaine will get married soon enough. Kurt would never miss the opportunity to plan his own wedding trust me." He flashes her his signature grin and it hits her that she's standing in her hotel room with her new husband and she feels truly happy.

"I love you." She blurts out. "I'm so happy that today turned out exactly how we wanted." Rachel walks over to him, kissing him slowly, never wanting to let go.

They pull apart for air and Finn whispers he loves her too.

They make love twice before dinner, taking full advantage of their time alone as a new couple. Sex during the day with a toddler at home almost never happens, so they laugh after they finish for the second time knowing this won't happen again for a while.

"I know we have reservations downstairs for dinner, but what if we just got room service instead? I sort of want to just hang out naked for a while. Sound good?" Rachel winks at Finn as she walks to the bathroom. "Think about it ok?"

Finn can feel his cheeks flushing but is interrupted by his phone ringing. It's his mom. She said she'd only call in an emergency, but he was hoping there was another reason.

As soon as he picks up he can hear Janie screaming in the background.

"Finn?" Burt asks, "Finn we are so sorry to call but your mom and I are worried. Janie has a fever and has been screaming ever since she woke up an hour ago. Your mom wants to take her to the emergency room since its after hours but we need your insurance card. Can we arrange to get it from you?" Finn heart sinks as he hears his daughter crying. He knows she's in good hands, but they aren't that far and he knows Rachel will want to go.

Just then Rachel emerges from the bathroom to see Finn listening intently to his phone with a concerned look on his face. She pulls on her robe and sits next to him on the bed. She can hear Janie screaming and immediately knows what's happening.

"No Burt, we are coming home. Have mom pack her diaper bag so she'll be ready to go when we arrive. Give us a half hour."

By the time Finn hangs up Rachel has gotten dressed and gathered his clothing for him. They hadn't even opened their duffel bag so getting ready to go went pretty quickly.

"I'm sorry Rachel," Finn says as they sit in the cab.

"Sorry for what? Our daughter is sick. She didn't plan this. She needs us so we'll go. We can celebrate later." Rachel smiles at Finn to ensure he knows she's fine. She doesn't realize she referred to Janie as "our" daughter, but Finn does. His heart swells just a little when he sees that it was automatic for her to say it.

* * *

By the time they reach their apartment door they can hear Janie screaming from inside. Finn opens the door to see Carole rocking Janie and Burt trying to rub her back but she wasn't having it. Janie sees Finn's face and screams "DADDY!" and lunges for him. Finn rushes forward to scoop her out of his mom's arms.

Janie hugs Finn tightly and he can feel she's warm to the touch. Rachel is right behind him, asking Carole if she's given any tylenol to her before they arrived.

"I tried to give her some but she would just scream and knock it out of my hands. I can handle the fever but the crying for this long didn't sit well with me."

"Mom its fine. Thanks for trying. Make yourselves at home and maybe order in some dinner? We might be a while." Finn rocks Janie in his arms as she rests her head on his shoulders. Her screams have dulled to low whimpers, her body jerking as she tries to catch her breath. Finn heads out the door with Rachel following, diaper bag in hand.

The pediatric wing of the ER isn't too crowded yet. Luckily the wait seems to be short, or so they think. Janie has fallen asleep on Finn's shoulder. Carole had dressed her in her favorite Elsa nightgown, complete a sparkly skirt. Rachel gets Janie's blanket out and covers her with it, kissing Janie's face before sitting down.

He flashes back to the first time Janie was sick. How he dealt with it alone, and how proud of himself he was. Finn can't help but think though, that its so nice to have someone helping him this time. Rachel leans against his shoulder next to Janie. Her leg is nervously shaking and he can tell she's worried. He also knows her last experience in a hospital was the worst day of her life. The last time he was here was his too.

"Are you doing ok?" he asks.

"Yeah, just trying to stay distracted. Do you want me to take her for a bit?"

"No," he replies as she shifts Janie to his other shoulder. "She's calm for now and I don't want to move her."

The doors swing open the paramedics rush in with a person on a stretcher. Rachel closes her eyes to avoid seeing it. She still can't see that type of thing without wanting to throw up. Finn grabs her hand tightly, but says nothing. He knows there isn't anything to say that would comfort her. He just wants her to know he's there.

It's past dinnertime and Rachel hears Finn's stomach growling. He hasn't moved because they don't want Janie to wake up. They've been here for over an hour and haven't been called back. She needs a break because her mind has started to wander to the last time she was in an emergency room. She doesn't want to relive that tonight.

"I'll go get us something to eat. It's getting late and I can hear your stomach talking." Rachel smiles as she grabs her purse to walk away.

Rachel disappeared down the hallway of the hospital and Janie immediately begins to stir. "Shhhh baby girl. Daddy's here," he whispers in her ear. Janie lifts her head and looks into Finn's eyes and the tears start to fall again. He stands up to try to calm her, rocking her back and forth, looking over at the receptionist to see if there is any sign they will be called back soon. No one will make eye contact with him so he assumes they still have a while to go. He glances down the hallways where Rachel should be returning, wishing he had just gone with her to make sure she was okay too.

Rachel returns shortly to see Finn pacing back and forth holding a crying Janie. She rushes over, placing the snacks she bought on the chair to see how she can help him. "Let me take her. You need a break. Eat something." She holds her arms out to Janie and she immediately reaches for Rachel. She takes over the rocking part of the job and Finn grabs a seat.

Rachel begins to sing in Janie's ear and settles her down a bit. Finn immediately opens a bag of chips, throwing handfuls in his mouth at a time.

"Enjoying our honeymoon dinner dear?" Rachel asks laughing. " I tried my best to get your favorites from the vending machine."

"Yeah," Finn says with a mouthful of food, "I guess this is what it is. We can go out to dinner another night."

Janie starts crying again and Rachel tries to give her some water. Janie refuses and just cries harder.

"Finn I'm really worried. She's never acted like this, has she?" Rachel acknowledges she hasn't been around for every moment of Janie's life, but she knows her like she's her own child.

"No, never," he replies. "I'm going to see what's taking so long. She's miserable." Finn stands up to go ask when the door opens.

"Jane Hudson!" the nurse shouts.

"Thank God," Rachel says rushing towards the door. Finn gathers their things and follows closely after.

* * *

After waiting another 30 excruciating minutes, the doctor finally comes in to check Janie. By this time she is in full hysterics again, rotating between Finn's arms and Rachel's.

"Uh oh, someone isn't a happy camper," the doctor says. "Her fever from the nurse is 103 so she definitely is fighting something of. Let's take a look."

Janie refuses to be put on the exam table, so Rachel holds her while the doctor looks in her eyes and ears. He listens to her chest and Janie remains still but crying.

"Well, she has a really bad double ear infection which would explain the fever and the obvious pain she's in."

Rachel kisses Janie's head, hoping to comfort her in some way.

"I'll send you with some antibiotics that should clear her up. Just follow up with her Pediatrician in 10 days, or sooner if you notice its not improving. Feel free to give Tylenol for the fever too. She might not want to lay flat tonight, so be warned. All of that fluid is going to hurt if she is laying too long. She should be feeling better by the morning." The doctor finishes his notes and leaves.

"Well we waited all of that time for her to be seen for five minutes." Finn takes a deep breathe and blows it out hard in frustration. "I guess this is what happens when your kid gets sick after hours."

As they get ready to leave, Finn wants to ask Rachel if Ben had ever had an ear infection, or if he was ever really sick, but sometimes he's still unsure about when he should bring him up. He decides to let it be and follows Rachel out to hail a cab.

By the time they return to the apartment, its past 9pm. The apartment is quiet when they open the door. Burt is asleep on the couch, Carole next to him with the tv on low. She immediately gets up to see how she can help.

"How is she? What can I do?" She grabs the bags out of Finn's hands and puts them down. "We have Italian we can warm up from earlier if you're hungry."

"That sounds great Carole thank you. Finn can you bring a sippy of milk to Janie's room? I'm going to change her and see if we can't get some fluids in her. Oh and bring her medicine too!"

Rachel walks Janie into her room. She puts Janie down so she can open the dresser to get new pajamas out, but Janie throws herself on the floor in protest.

"Mama hold me please!" she cries as she rolls around on the floor.

Rachel giggles slightly because Janie doesn't feel good and is beyond tired and sick, but the vision of her rolling around asking to be held just was the icing on the cake for tonight.

"Come here sweetie so I can change you for bed ok? Daddy's going to bring you some milk and we need to give you medicine to help with your owie ok? Do your ears hurt?"

Janie stops crying to think about it, and when she realizes they do she cries "yeah" and throws herself into Rachel's arms.

Finn walks in holding the medicine and milk. They manage to get the medicine down in between putting her new shirt and pants on to wear to bed. The loss of the Elsa nightgown goes unnoticed by Janie and they both glance at each other not saying a word.

"My mom wants us to go back to the hotel. I told her no. I think its going to be a long night for everyone."

Rachel picks up Janie and moves to the rocking chair. Janie settles right into Rachel's lap and her eyes begin to grow heavy. "Yeah I wouldn't feel right leaving her tonight." Exhaustion kicks in and Janie falls back asleep. Rachel lays her down and hopes for the best.

Rachel and Finn manage to eat some leftovers Carole heated up before heading to bed. Both of them secretly thankful for the few hours they had at the hotel earlier in the day.

Finn checks on Janie one last time before heading to the bedroom where Rachel was already under the covers half asleep.

"Sorry I'm exhausted. Is she still asleep?" Rachel lifts up the covers to make room for Finn to join her.

"Yeah for now. Today took a turn didn't it?" Finn strips down to his boxers and slides into the bed. The cool sheets feel good on his tense muscles.

"Well no one knew she was sick. It's not her fault. We got a few fun hours in though." Rachel slides her hand up Finn's back pulling him closer.

"If you can be quiet we can have a little more fun," Finn whispers in her ear. Rachel kisses him deeply as she rolls on top of him.

They didn't get very far because Janie starts screaming and Rachel runs to get her. She pulls her into their bedroom and closes the door to try to avoid waking up Burt and Carole.

Rachel gets back into bed, Janie clinging tightly to her. Finn realizes tonight is going to be all about Janie, but he wouldn't have it any other way.

Janie falls right back asleep on Rachel, so Finn props Rachel up to try and make her more comfortable.

"Are you going to be able to sleep? Do you want me to take her out on the couch for a bit?" Finn asks as he fluffs a pillow behind her back.

"No, I had to sit like this many times with Ben. She'll be fine once the medicine starts working." Rachel rubs Janie's back as she stirs slightly.

"I wanted to ask you today, at the hospital. I just wasn't sure if you wanted to talk about him. Was he sick a lot?"

Rachel smiles at Finn because he's always so considerate of her feelings. "Please don't hesitate to ask me about him. That's what made me love you at first. You were the first person since Ben had died who wanted to talk about him. You were interested in who he was and his story and that's what made you so special to me. And yes he got sick a lot."

Finn props his pillows up too and sits close to Rachel so she could lay her head on his shoulder. "Janie's lucky to have you," he whispers, "and I am too."

Rachel glances back at him and cracks a smile. "You know, when Ben died, I never thought I'd be able to look at another child or hold a baby ever again." Rachel leans down to kiss the top of Janie's head. "But here I am, holding this girl in my arms and she has healed my heart in so many ways. I can't ever thank you enough Finn, for allowing me into her life."

Janie fusses some more and Rachel sings her back to sleep as Finn watches in awe. He can't help but hope that Krista played some part in this, from wherever she is. Her little Janie is so loved.

* * *

 **Thank you so much for all of the feedback you've given me! I love hearing it! This story started off small but then grew into something bigger, and its sadly almost done. Stay tuned for the final chapter coming soon!**


	8. Chapter 8

**So I thought this would be the end of the story but its not! Surprise! I just can't stop myself with this story. Thank you to all who have taken the time to review. It means a lot to me! The updates are slower since I'm busy with work but they are coming. I own the plot and Janie, nothing else! All mistakes are mine :)**

* * *

 **TWO YEARS LATER**

"Mommy," Janie whispers in Rachel's ear as she sleeps. "Mommy get up we have to get ready."

Rachel feels a small hand peeling open her eyelid. She sees Janie standing next to the bed, but her head is laying next to Rachel's face. "Mommy please wake up I'm bored and daddy took Doug for a walk and said I couldn't come." Janie pats Rachel's head again repeatedly to gain her attention.

Rachel gives in and opens her eyes and glances at the clock. 7:30 am.

"I demand that all little girls who woke me up this morning climb in this bed and give me a hug right now."

Janie giggles and jumps in bed next to Rachel, lying next to her on the pillow and pulling the covers up over their heads.

"So why didn't daddy let you go on the walk with Doug?" Doug was the Great Dane they'd adopted last year. They'd passed a pet adoption event on the way home from the park and Janie only wanted Doug. That was the name that was given to him by the agency and Janie refused to change it. He was huge and black, with white spots on his back and he and Janie were inseparable.

"Daddy said he was taking Doug too far so he would be tired because we'll be gone a long time today." Janie pouts her bottom lip and crosses her arms.

"Well daddy is right, you can't go on the super long walks because you get tired. It's hard for daddy to carry you AND hold Doug's leash at the same time. You wouldn't want daddy to drop you! He's so tall you would fall flat on your face!"

Janie laughs with Rachel as they hide under the covers. They hear the door click open and the rustling of Doug's leash followed by a "Doug calm down!" from Finn.

Rachel stifles a laugh and motions for Janie to be quiet. "Let's hide you from daddy. Don't move when he comes in ok?"

Rachel pulls her head from under the covers and can see Janie's body moving beside her. "Janie stay still or daddy will see you."

Finn walks into the room, followed by Doug who has his favorite stuffed animal in his mouth.

"Hey Rach. Where's Janie? Doug's ready to play."

Rachel winks at Finn and glances towards the lump next to her. He smiles and winks back.

"I have no idea Finn. I hope she didn't run away. Doug would miss her so much, wouldn't you Doug?"

Doug runs over to Rachel, shoving his stuffed bear under her arm. Rachel throws it and Doug races out of the bedroom.

"Oh no, look Doug already loves mommy more," Finn continues. "Hey mommy I'm so tired from my walk I'm going to lay down next to you ok?"

Rachel can feel Janie squirming as she tries not to laugh. Finn jumps on the bed, causing Janie to bounce underneath the sheets. Finn lifts up the cover to find Janie in hysterics, her curly hair flying wild from the static of the sheets.

"Daddy you almost squished me!" she screams as she jumps on top of him.

"Oh well I'm so sorry Jane I'll be more careful next time." He pulls her down for a hug before she jumps off again and heads out of the room screaming for Doug.

Finn gives Rachel a peck on the lips before shutting the bedroom door to get undressed. "So I see she didn't leave you alone like I asked her to? I wanted you to sleep in a little for once."

Rachel sits up in bed, straightening the sheets that are now crumpled from the morning. "Did you really think she'd just watch TV when you left? You know that child is obsessed with me. Doug is a close second."

Janie was definitely a mama's girl. She worshipped everything Rachel did and was currently obsessed with Rachel's new show she was in. Her favorite thing to do was to go to the theater with Rachel and watch her mom dress up and sing on stage. Finn tried to take her to the matinee's as often as possible.

"Well I tried. I know you feel run down with your new show and we have a long day ahead of us. What time did Kurt want us at my parents to get ready?" Finn asks as she turns the shower on.

"He wants us there at noon. Janie and I will get our hair and makeup done at the house while you guys get ready. I'm praying Janie naps at some point since the wedding doesn't even start until 6."

Rachel brushes her teeth while Finn showers. He peeks his head out from behind the curtain to continue the conversation.

"Do my parents know we are bringing Doug since we are spending the night?"

"Finn close the curtain! You're getting the floor all wet!" Finn smirks as Rachel whips the curtain closed to keep any more water from dripping out. "Yes they know. Not our fault Kurt is getting married at some fancy place in the Hamptons that doesn't allow pets, let alone giant dogs."

Carole and Burt had relocated to Long Island to be closer to Finn and Kurt and their families. Meanwhile Hiram and Shelby had retired to Florida early last year. Family vacations now included a trip to Sarasota every year which Janie loves.

"Hey, does my wife want to join me in the shower? I'm sure Doug will keep Janie busy for a few. Lock the door."

Rachel bit her lip thinking it over. After two years of marriage Finn was still spontaneous and fun with their sex life, it was her that was more hesitant because Jane could walk in any minute.

She locks the door and strips down in record time to get in the shower. Finn grabs her quickly, getting her soaked as he begins to kiss her neck.

"Mommy!" Janie knocks at the door. "Mommy I need help! Doug is trying to eat my Elsa doll! Mommy! Why are you not answering me!"

Finn groans as Rachel laughs. "She is such a cock block!"

Rachel laughs even harder as she whispers "Don't say that about your own daughter Finn! Now go help her while I finish showering."

Finn reluctantly gets out of the shower and begins to dry off as Janie continues to knock. "Jane I'll be right out just hold on!"

* * *

They arrive at Carole and Burt's right on time. Finn puts Doug in the backyard as the girls rush in the house to start getting ready. Kurt is buzzing around the house barking orders at everyone. Blaine was off at a friends house getting ready because they both decided they didn't want to see each other before the wedding.

Finn corrals Kurt and takes him upstairs so the girls can get ready in peace.

"Mommy can I wear make up too? Please!" Janie squeals as she climbs up into a chair.

"Janie let's get your hair done first and I'll think about it. Remember, you have to be a big girl and sit still. Uncle Kurt want's your hair up in a bun."

The hairdressers Kurt hired start working on Rachel and Janie. Carole's hair was already done before they arrived.

"So is Janie just thrilled about today? Being a flower girl and all? Does she remember your wedding at all?" Carole pours them each a glass of water and sits down next to Rachel.

"No, she just sees the pictures and hears our stories so she thinks she remembers. Hopefully she can make it through this wedding without getting sick." Rachel rolls her eyes as she remembers the long night they spend up with Janie after their wedding.

"Well so far so good. She looks pretty excited right now."

They glance over at Janie who is sitting so still as the woman tries to tame her long curly hair.

"She's been talking about this for weeks. She did ask who was going to wear the poofy dress, Kurt or Blaine."

Carole tries to quiet her laugh. "What did you tell her?"

"Well I told her I wasn't sure what they were wearing, but she could be the one to wear the poofy dress at this wedding."

Kurt had picked a bright pink tulle dress with a huge skirt. Janie screamed when she first saw it and Kurt doesn't do anything understated.

Once everyone is ready, Janie finally gets to put her giant pink dress on and begs Rachel for lip gloss.

"Fine, but go get my clear lip gloss that's in my purse. No color on your lips or it will get all over your face." Rachel tells Janie where her purse is and Janie speeds off to go and get it.

Finn, Kurt, and Burt emerge from upstairs in their matching suits. Rachel blushes at how handsome Finn looks coming towards her.

"Well don't you look amazing..." Finn says to Rachel, who is wearing a strapless black gown.

"You can thank your brother, he picked it out." Kurt bows in reply, just as Janie comes running back into the room. Rachel's face falls when she sees what she's holding.

"Mommy who is this boy in this book? Can I meet him?" Janie is holding the blue photo album Finn made for her in one hand, and the lipgloss in another. Rachel had forgotten she had thrown it in there before they left. She makes it a point to never leave the book there if they are leaving the house overnight. She has some irrational fear of the house burning down and losing the album forever.

Finn can see the shock on Rachel's face. They haven't told Janie about Ben. She doesn't know he ever existed. They had both decided that dealing with her mother being in heaven was enough for a small child. They wanted to tell her when she was older and could grasp the concept a little more.

"Oh that's a boy mommy used to know. We can talk about it later. Why don't you have mommy put on your lipgloss so we can get in the big fancy car to go to the wedding ok?" Finn holds out his hand requesting the book form Janie.

Janie hands Finn the book and skips over to Rachel, who is fighting back tears. She knew this day would come, where Janie would have to know about Ben. She just wasn't expecting it to be today. Sometimes it hurts to know that Jane is 4, an age Ben never got to be. She doesn't know what a four year old can handle mentally.

She swipes the lipgloss on Janie's lips and forces back the tears as they get into the limo. Finn squeezes her hand tightly, always reassuring her he was there.

The ceremony is beautiful and Janie wins the guests over by skipping down the aisle dropping the rose petals in giant piles in front of her. She waves to Finn and Rachel who are standing on either side of the grooms. Finn gives her a thumbs up as she goes to sit next to Carole on the end of the aisle.

Rachel cries when Kurt and Blaine say their vows. She kisses Finn on the cheek when she sees he is tearing up a little too.

The reception is fun and very swanky, a little too swanky for a four year old. There were no other kids there and Janie was getting bored of dancing with Finn or Burt. She's currently digging through Rachel's purse looking for the lipgloss again.

Kurt and Blaine make it over to their table to say their thank you's. Carole welcomes Blaine to the family, not like he already wasn't but its a formality now. Finn grabs the mike from the band and calls for everyone's attention.

"What's he doing?" Blaine whispers into Rachel's ear. "We said no speeches."

Rachel shrugs his shoulders because she has no idea. It's not Finn's character to go against something like that.

"Hello everyone, I'm Finn, Kurt's brother." He raises his glass of champagne towards Kurt and Blaine. "They said no speeches so I'll make this quick I promise," Finn says clearing his throat. "A few years ago I went through something very difficult. In the middle of all of this, Kurt met Blaine. Blaine instantly became a part of the family, helping myself and my daughter immensely. I just wanted to say that I am so grateful to have you both in our lives and we can't wait for you to have a little one of your own. So please everyone raise your glass to the newly married couple!"

Finn raises his glass and Kurt and Blaine kiss as the crowd claps.

"Oh yes I can't wait to have more grandbabies!" Carole exclaims as she stands to hug them both.

Janie climbs up on Rachel's lap as Finn returns to the table. "Mommy boys can't have babies! Who's having a baby?"

Rachel giggles at her question. "No one is having a baby right now. Daddy was just saying it will be exciting if they get a baby one day."

"Well when are you going to have a baby? Rosie's mom at school is having one in the summer!"

The table grew quiet. Kurt and Blaine get called away by a friend to another table and Carole and Burt return to the dance floor, leaving the three of them alone.

"Mommy's not having a baby honey. We will have to visit Rosie's new brother or sister when they are born though. That's exciting!" Rachel tries to distract Janie from the current conversation, offering her a piece of cake to keep her quiet. Finn rubs the small of Rachel's back, knowing this has been a touchy subject for years.

"Is she going to be ready to go soon? Doug is probably freaking out at my parents house and its an hour drive back." Finn can tell Janie will probably lose it soon since its way past her bed time.

"Yes, I think we can start wrapping it up. I'm bummed we can't stay at this nice hotel, but they don't except dogs the size of horses so I guess that's the sacrifice we make for Doug huh?" She smiles at Finn who is in awe of her at the moment. It's still a daily struggle for both of them, but they've come so far.

Janie passes out within a minute of getting in the limo. She's laying across Rachel's lap, her dress poofing up around her.

"I think she had fun today. This is her dream, wearing a bright pink dress, hair in a bun, AND lipgloss." Rachel can't stop staring at Jane in her lap, sleeping peacefully.

Rachel leans her head against Finn's shoulder, trying to stay awake for the ride home.

"Are you okay? A few things happened today that I know struck a chord with you."

Rachel takes a deep breathe in and releases it slowly. "Yes, I'm fine. I always thought that after all of this time comments and little things happening wouldn't bother me, but they still do. Jane finding Ben's book today was my fault. I forgot I had put it in there before we left. I just don't think she's ready you know? And I'm not ready to explain it to her."

Finn closes his eyes for a moment, knowing her explanation stings for him too. "I know. She talks about Krista sometimes, but its all because of things we've told her. It doesn't seem real to her. I don't think she could handle knowing a little boy died. She still thinks you only die as a grown up."

Rachel grabs Finn's hand as she allows her body to lean closer to his. "I think we've done a pretty good job of navigating things so far. We'll figure it out. Or our therapist will..." They both laugh slightly, not admitting they still need help occasionally from someone else.

When they arrive home at the Hummels, the house is dark. Carole and Burt were staying at the hotel tonight, so it would just be the Hudson's sleeping over. Finn immediately goes to take Doug out to play since he's been cooped up for way too many hours. Rachel carries Jane up to her room to change her for bed. Carole insisted Jane have her own room for when she came to sleepover. It's light blue and decorated in Frozen decor from wall to wall. Janie, of course, loves it.

Rachel gets Janie changed and tucked in for the night before retreating to the guest room across the hall. She starts to undress when Finn walks in to find her just in her strapless bra and underwear.

"So, can we finish what we tried to start in the shower this morning?" He throws his jacket onto a chair next to the bed and hurriedly unbuttons his shirt.

"Yes but Janie is right across the hall so we have to be quiet." Rachel smiles widely knowing full well that they can't be quiet ever.

Finn loves her so much and as she walks closer he can't help but think about how lucky he is. He kisses her hard and grabs her by the waist to pull them both onto the bed. For the next few minutes, which turned into hours, they focus on how much they mean to each other.

Rachel yawns loudly, realizing its later than she thought. "Oh my gosh is 1 am! We need to get to sleep. You know Jane will be up by 7 demanding breakfast."

Finn pulls Rachel into his side, spooning her from behind. "It's just one night. We can stay up for a little longer." He places his head on top of Rachel's, who is tucked so tightly into his chest. "We can have a baby if you want to."

Rachel flips over to face Finn, her eyes wide. "WHAT?" is all that comes out of her mouth.

He pushes the hair out of her face and tucks it behind her ears. "I know my mom's comment triggered something in you. In Janie too. She never asks because she knows its a tough subject, but all I'm saying is if you want to talk about it we can."

Rachel's voice grows shaky. "Finn we've talked about this. Having a baby won't solve anything. It will just bring up the bad feelings and I don't want to go there. I'm scared and I don't want to."

"Rachel don't cry. I'm sorry. I just wanted to talk about it. We can bring it up in therapy in a few weeks, would that be okay? I'm scared too, but I think we are missing out on something big by not at least exploring the idea."

Rachel knows he's right and that she's letting her fear take over. She would love to have a baby with Finn, but the fear and the doubt always take over.

"Okay, we can talk about it in therapy. And don't be sorry. I try to suppress things and I know it only hurts me in the long run."

* * *

Their therapist does a great job of walking them through things. They still go every other month, just to talk things through, ask for advice on how to navigate their lives, etc. Mr. Gordon has been their therapist for the past two years, so he knows them well enough to know when they are holding back.

"So you want to talk about having a baby huh? Both of you tell me your afraid, but why? What's the hold up? You've been married for two years and from what I can tell are doing very well." Mr. Gordon leans back in his chair, twiddling the pen in his hand as he waits for answers.

"Well," Finn begins, "I'm obviously afraid because my wife died shortly after giving birth to our daughter Jane. Everything was perfect up until that point, and then it was gone."

Rachel's already crying and she hasn't even spoken yet. Finn passes her the box of tissues, knowing she will need plenty.

"I just can't go through that again. I can't." Finn's hands are tense and folded on his lap.

"Yes Finn, I can see where your fears stem from. Before we delve too deep into that, Rachel please share what's holding you back."

Rachel's tears are streaming down her face before she speaks. "I don't deserve another baby. I'm lucky enough to have Jane."

Finn's heart sinks because he has never heard those words come out of her mouth before. Of course she deserves another baby. She's a wonderful mother. "Rachel,-"

"Let her finish Finn," Mr. Gordon says as he gestures to Rachel.

Rachel catches her breathe as she continues. "And I'm afraid we'll have a boy. Does that make me a terrible person? I don't want to have a boy. I don't want to replace Ben."

Rachel breaks down because this has been her constant struggle, even with Jane in the beginning.

Mr. Gordon speaks up. "Rachel your fears are very valid as well. You two just need to decide if you want to move past them or let these fears make the decisions for you. I would suggest you two have a lengthy discussion on how to move forward, or close this door. I think its been hanging over your heads for quite some time."

"Rachel, you know no one or no baby will ever replace Ben. Ben was your son and he was so special. It doesn't mean that we can't have another baby who is special too."

Rachel wipes her tears knowing its her turn to speak next. "And you should know that the chances of me dying during childbirth are no different than Krista's were. The chances of it happening again are slim."

They both glance at Mr. Gordon who continues on about how they both are aware of what needs to be done. They book their next appointment in two months and go home.

Janie is asleep when they arrive and they let the sitter go home. Finn sits on the couch and pats the seat next to him. Rachel joins him, curling up into a ball. Finn knows this position well. It's the one she uses when she's nervous and doesn't want to talk.

"We don't have to have a baby if its this upsetting for you ok? We have Jane and she's enough." Finn turns to look at Rachel who is playing with the ends of her shirt repeatedly.

"Maybe in a year? I just don't know if I'm ready Finn. We've worked so hard every day to make sure we are stable and secure. A baby would just throw everything off. "

Finn can hear how hesitant she is in her voice. It's not worth this stress, for either of them. "Okay we can talk about it in a year. Or maybe we can adopt? I don't want to push you. I'm afraid too and I don't want to do anything that will disrupt our happy place."

* * *

Janie gets her first real stomach flu and it isn't pretty. Rachel calls Finn home from work because she needs him to bring home supplies and Janie is throwing up everywhere. When he finally arrives he finds Rachel scrubbing the carpet while Janie is asleep on the couch that is covered in beach towels.

"Just a precautionary measure. I don't want to buy new couches, " Rachel says as she pours more solution over the massive stain on the carpet. "Sorry I had to call you but I needed some things and she's in no condition to leave the house."

Finn drops off the bag of groceries on the table and walks over to Jane feeling her forehead as she sleeps. "She doesn't feel that warm. Hopefully this blows over quickly."

While Finn is putting the groceries away, he hears Janie start to moan from the couch. He and Rachel rush over and he picks up Jane to run her to the sink but they don't make it. Jane throws up all over herself and Finn, which causes him to gag.

Janie realizes whats happened and starts crying. "I'm sorry daddy. Don't be mad. I'm sorry."

Finn is standing their stunned until Rachel gives him directions on what to do.

"Finn, put her down on the floor so I can strip her down and get her in the bath. You go change and throw your clothes into the washer. Now."

Finn places Janie down and Rachel starts removing her now dirty pajamas. He looks down at his own clothes and gags again. Thank god Rachel was here.

By the time he changes, Rachel has Janie in the bath. He walks in to check on them to see what he can do. "How are you feeling baby girl? Not so good?"

"No daddy my tummy hurts," Janie says with sad puppy dog eyes.

Rachel is bent over washing Janie's hair and Finn can tell she looks defeated.

"Finn can you go clean the kitchen floor. All of the supplies should be in the living room where I cleaned the carpet."

"Okay." Finn doesn't want to go clean the kitchen floor. He knows he's going to gag but Rachel's been home dealing with this all day and he decides to man up and do it.

Rachel emerges from the bathroom with a clean Janie on her hip. Finn is cleaning the floor with a towel wrapped around his face from the nose down.

"Finn what on earth are you doing?"

His eyes are watering and he's trying his best but vomit is just not his thing. "I'm sorry I just can't smell it. It's making me gag so bad so the towel was helping mask the smell."

Rachel laughs at the sight of her husband right now. "Here, take Janie and go sit on the couch. I'll finish up here. See if you can get her to drink some of that water that's in her cup."

Finn quickly grabs Jane and removes the towel from his face.

"Daddy why were you dressed like that? I don't want to play dress up." Jane rests her head on Finn's shoulder as they sit down on the couch.

"No daddy didn't want to smell the mess in the kitchen that's all. Do you want to sit by yourself or with me while we drink some water?"

"I want to snuggle with you," she says as she presses her cheek into his chest.

Finn turns on a movie for Janie and Rachel emerges from the kitchen with some gingerale. "I'm not feeling so well all of the sudden. I hope I'm not getting this too."

Finn can see Rachel looks a little pale and she lays down on the opposite side of the couch and closes her eyes. "Can you handle her if I just take a quick nap?

"Of course. Get some rest. I don't think Janie will be up for long anyways."

Soon he can hear Rachel faintly snoring and Janie's eyes grow heavy and they are both asleep within 10 minutes. He turns on a baseball game and decides to take advantage of this quiet time. He shoots his mom a quick text telling her he might need her help if Rachel is sick too. He's pretty sure she's sick though because she never takes naps and is always the first one to want to take care of Jane if she isn't feeling well.

An hour later Janie begins to stir. He runs her into the bathroom in case she's going to be sick, but she says she's fine. He's not sure if she should trust a 4 year old who has pretty much thrown up all over the apartment today. "I want mommy," Janie says as she starts to walk out into the living room.

"Shhh Janie let her sleep. Mommy doesn't feel good either and needs a nap." He scoops up Janie before she makes it to the couch where Rachel is sleeping. "Let's go try to eat some toast and see how you feel ok? Want some toast?"

Janie agrees and sits at the table while Finn puts the bread in the toaster. As he head to the fridge he sees Rachel running towards him, her hand over her mouth. "Oh no" he says under his breath.

She makes it to the sink before getting sick. Janie rushes over to her and pats her back. "You ok mommy? You need some water?"

Finn's heart melts a little seeing Janie trying to take care of Rachel even though they are now both very sick. He hands Rachel a towel to wipe her mouth as she stands up.

"Looks like you are the last man standing. I'm going to bed if you can handle her. I feel like I'm going to be sick again." Rachel runs towards the bedroom and he hears the door to their bathroom slam as Rachel starts throwing up again.

Janie starts crying because Rachel ran off and the toast is now burned. Finn picks up his phone and dials quickly. "Mom, I need you to come over."

* * *

Carole arrives an hour later, overnight bag in hand. Finn answers the door holding Janie, who is asleep in his arms again.

"Thank god you're here mom. I'm having trouble taking care of both of them."

Carole comes in quickly and drops her bag at the door. "What do you want me to do?"

"Can you go see what Rachel needs? I don't want to wake Jane or put her in her bed. I don't want to be cleaning that mess up out of her bed if I can avoid it. I know Rachel's been throwing up for a good hour now."

Carole walks to their bedroom to find lying in her bed, sweat dripping off of her forehead. "Honey what can I do for you? Finn has Janie so just tell me what you need."

Rachel feels weak and can barely move. "Maybe some water? I don't think I can eat anything right now. Whatever this is, I hope you and Finn are spared. I don't think I've ever felt this bad."

Carole brings Rachel and cool washcloth and a large glass of water. Rachel can barely sit up to take a sip before running to the bathroom to throw it back up. Carole goes to the bathroom to check up on her, finding Rachel lying on the bathroom floor.

"Rachel don't get up, I'm getting Finn."

Rachel laughs in her head because she doesn't think she can even move at this point. In the span of just a few hours she went from feeling fine to being incapacitated. She hears Finn rushing into the room and when he arrives at the bathroom, she can't even lift her eyes to look at his face. She can feel Finn's arms work their way underneath her, pulling her from the floor. He carries her bridal style and lays her back in bed.

"Rach, do you want to go to the hospital? You look awful."

All Rachel can focus on is how good the cool pillow feels underneath her cheek. "No. Can you just stay with me for a little while? Does your mom have Janie?"

"Of course I'll stay with you. I've never seen you like this. Do you want some water?" Finn picks up the glass of water on the table and puts it towards her face.

All Rachel could do was groan "no" before rolling over again. She felt Finn cover her with a blanket and the bed dipped next to her indicating he was laying down. She soon let sleep take over, hoping that she would wake up feeling better.

Rachel woke up abruptly, covered in sweat. She sat up, trying to gain composure, unsure of what time it was or how she felt.

"Rach?" Finn asks from his side of the bed. "Rach are you ok?" It's been a few hours and Janie was on the mend and in bed for the night. Finn had gone to bed early, leaving his mom to watch over Janie if she needed anything.

Before Rachel could answer, Finn saw her get out of bed covering her mouth as she ran towards the bathroom. He gets out of bed as he hears her getting sick again, rushing to her side. He hands her a towel to wipe her mouth, but as she stands up he can see something is wrong. Her face is pale and her lips have no color. As he reaches out for her, he can see the light fade from her eyes and she starts falling to the ground. He caught her before she hit, but he couldn't get her to wake up.

Finn panics as he realizes what's happening. He screams for his mom to call 911 as he carries Rachel to the bed. She was so pale, but she was breathing. Carole guides him to get dressed, but he can't take his eyes off of Rachel on the bed. She isn't moving and her color isn't right. He tries not to think about Krista right now, but those horrible thoughts of her last moments creep in and he feels like he can't breathe.

"Finn, get ahold of yourself. Your wife needs you. She's probably just dehydrated and fainted. The paramedics will know what to do. Get dressed so you can go with them.

The rest happens so fast, paramedics arriving, the ambulance ride, and soon they were in the hospital, the place they both hate. Rachel had opened her eyes a few times, but she was too weak to do much more than look around and close them again. Dr.'s and nurses continuously came in and out, asking him questions, drawing blood, putting her IV in. It was all overwhelming for him.

He sits in the quiet room, waiting for someone to tell him something. What if she's dying? He wishes his mind didn't automatically go to that place. He looks at Rachel lying in the hospital bed, so weak and pale. They had verified she was dehydrated, but were running blood work to rule out other things besides a virus.

Finn jumps as the doctor walks through the door, pulling him from his thoughts.

"Are you Mr. Hudson?" the doctors asks. Finn nods. "I'm Dr. Granger. I have your wife's test results and it appears she does have a virus and is extremely dehydrated. Once we get another bag of fluid in her we will most likely discharge her. I would like to have the ultrasound tech come in to scan the baby and make sure everything is fine, but I'm not very worried about it."

Finn must have had a stunned look on his face because he was trying to process what the doctor was saying while trying to figure out what to say. "Did you say baby?" he asked the doctor.

"Yes. Did you not know your wife was pregnant Mr. Hudson? I apologize."

Finn looked over at Rachel still asleep in the bed. Had she been keeping this from him? Or did she really not know? Up until today she had been acting normally so he's leaning towards her not knowing at all.

"No, we didn't. When will the ultrasound be done? When she wakes up?" Finn wrung his hands together nervously, wondering how Rachel would react to this.

"They should be in shortly. If she isn't up they'll wake her. Depending on the ultrasound results, I'll be back in before she's discharged." The Doctor quickly leaves the room, and Finn is left standing next to Rachel's bedside trying to wrap his mind around what is happening. How will he tell her? They had agreed to talk about it in a year. It had only been a few weeks, if that. Finn feels the pit of his stomach grow heavy. This could be the best news he could deliver to his wife, or the worst.

He pulls up a chair next to the bed, sitting softly beside her. Finn grabs her hand in his, kissing the top of it softly.

"Hey" he hears her whisper. "What happened?" Her eyes open slowly, blinking feverishly trying to focus.

"Hey there, glad to see those pretty eyes. You passed out from dehydration. You'll be able to come home in a little bit."

Rachel glances down at her free hand, bandaged up with an IV attached. "I needed fluid I'm guessing? I have never been this sick."

Finn's heart starts racing. He knows the Ultrasound technician will be arriving at any moment so he has to try to tell her now.

"Finn? What's wrong? I'm fine. I feel much better actually." Rachel adjusts herself so she's sitting more upright, trying to see how she truly feels. "Can you get me some juice maybe? I want to see if I can keep it down."

Finn sits frozen by her bedside, unable to move.

"Finn? Seriously what's wrong? I'm sorry you must have been so scared. You can relax now."

Finn rubs his thumb over Rachel's hand softly. "Actually, your test results showed something else."

Rachel's eyes grew wide. "Oh my god do I have cancer?" she asks as her eyes well up with tears.

"No! God I'm sorry I suck at this. No you don't have cancer. You're...I mean we're going to have a baby."

The tears began to fall from her eyes and Finn wasn't sure if they were because she was happy or sad. "Rach, we'll be ok. I promise we will be ok and if you aren't ready that's okay too."

Rachel pulled her hand from his grip and placed it over her stomach. "Is the baby ok? Did I hurt it by getting so sick? Oh god this can't be happening again. What if I caused something to go wrong? I promise I had no idea Finn. I promise!"

Finn placed his hand over hers again, gently laying on her stomach. "The doctor wasn't concerned, but they will do an ultrasound to make sure ok? I just wanted to be the one to tell you. Let's not jump ahead until we know more."

Rachel nods in reply just at the door opened and a woman with a machine rolls in. "Hello! My name is Anne and I'll be doing your fetal ultrasound today. Do you have any idea how far along you are?"

Rachel wipes the tears that remained on her face. "Honestly I have no idea. I can't think right now."

Anne wheels up next to Rachel and smiles. "That's okay. Hopefully these pictures can tell us. Your blood work numbers were high so I'm guessing you're past 5 weeks at this point."

Anne lays Rachel's bed back flat and Finn never let's go of Rachel's hand as Anne begins to prepare. Finn can see Rachel looks terrified, having just woken up and being told she was pregnant. To be honest he was terrified too.

Anne pours some gel on Rachel's bare stomach. She doesn't look pregnant at all, her stomach still flat and toned. Rachel's breath hitches as Anne places the wand on her stomach. She closes her eyes, not wanting to look at the screen. She can feel Anne moving the wand back and forth. Rachel feels her heart racing, realizing the more time that passes the better the chance that something is wrong. She feels Finn grip her hand tighter, but she still doesn't open her eyes.

Soon the room fills with a whooshing sound, over and over. "There's the heartbeat!" Anne says, still moving the wand back and forth. Rachel exhales, not realizing she had been holding her breath. She opens her eyes to look at the screen and sees their baby moving around. She manages to catch a glance at Finn, who has tears in his eyes.

They both remain silent, staring at the screen as Anne takes measurements and finishes her job. "You're measuring about 10 weeks. Baby looks good, just have to let Dr. Granger review these scans before you can go. Would you like me to print them out for you?"

Rachel nods her head yes, not looking away from the screen.

Anne prints the pictures and hands them to Rachel before she leaves. Rachel's hands are shaking as she tries to get a better look at the pictures. She's pregnant. It's unplanned and she's overwhelmed.

"Can I see?" Finn asks reluctantly.

"Of course," she replies, her voice faltering slightly.

Finn pulls the pictures up towards his face, studying each one carefully. "Wow. Look you can see its hands and feet here!" Finn points and turns the last picture on the strip towards Rachel.

Rachel looks at the details of the picture, the tiny hands and feet of her baby so clear but so small. A sob that she had been holding in escapes from her mouth. "I'm so scared Finn."

"I know. I am too."

* * *

 **Well there it is! I really love the journey this story has taken me on. It started as a small idea and grew into something so much bigger. Next chapter is almost finished so hopefully its up soon! Not sure where this will end, but I have an idea ;) Please review! I love hearing from you!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Well here is the final chapter! It's nice and long for you all! Once again I don't own glee and all mistakes are mine! I do own original characters and the plot! Enjoy!**

* * *

They decide not to tell anyone about the baby right away. Both of them need to process the news and Rachel isn't showing yet which buys them time. Finn gets them an emergency appointment with their therapist, both of them needing guidance since the pregnancy has thrown them for a loop. She wants to keep the baby, but its hard.

Therapy is pretty status quo, even with this new development. The therapist tells them to focus on the positive aspects of the baby, even writing out lists if they have to. They both have to work on not letting their fears take over until the baby arrives.

"I don't want to find out the sex of the baby," Rachel says that night after therapy. "I think it would be best if I didn't dwell on it, because if it's a boy we-"

"We will love him." Finn interrupts. "Rachel I'm fine with not finding out, but you really need to work hard to not think negatively about it possibly being a boy. There's a 50% chance it could be."

Rachel tries not to cry but she knows its useless. She was always terrible at holding it in with Finn. "I'm just so scared he will look like Ben. I can't even explain why that scares me. I just don't ever want to feel like I'm replacing him."

Finn pulls her close as they stand in the quiet of the living room. "This baby isn't Ben and he or she won't be replacing Ben. Ben would want you to be happy. Janie will be thrilled and so will our parents and this baby will know its loved. And just like we will with Janie, we will explain to this baby that they once had a big brother named Ben."

* * *

Four weeks pass and they've managed to keep it a secret, mostly because they haven't seen anyone. It's easy to lie over the phone, but as Finn watches Rachel get dressed for the day, he's thinking their secret isn't going to last much longer.

"You're showing." he says as she pulls her white t-shirt over her head.

"No I'm not. I'm just bloated." Rachel pulls up her jeans quickly, trying to get out of the house to take Janie to preschool on time. The issue is, her jeans won't button.

Finn chuckles as he sees her struggling. "Oh you're not showing huh? You need help there?" He reaches out to grab her jeans and she swats his hand away.

"No I don't need help. I'll just use a rubber band to hold them up." Rachel runs into the bathroom to fasten her jeans and yells for Janie to get her backpack on. When she comes out of the bathroom, she has an irritated look on her face. "I guess I'm going shopping after I drop her off."

Finn just smiles. "Can we tell Janie at least? She needs to know first."

They walk out into the living room where Janie is sitting on the couch, her pink backpack on her back. "I'm ready Mommy!" she shouts, pulling at the straps of her backpack proudly.

"So Janie, mommy and I have something very important to tell you. I think you'll be excited." Finn kneels down in front of her as Rachel sits beside her on the couch.

"We're going to Disney World? Yay!" She claps wildly and leans forward to hug Finn.

"Well no honey, we can't go to Disney World just yet because mommy won't be able to go on any rides." Rachel tries to think of the words she needs to say to get this all out but she's suddenly drawing a blank.

"Are you scared mommy? You can sit with me on the rides." Janie pats Rachel's leg for reassurance.

Rachel reaches out to push Janie's hair out of her face, pieces of already falling out of the bow Rachel had put in earlier. "Well no I can't go on any rides because I have a baby in my belly."

"You do?" Jane asks seriously.

"Yeah," Rachel replies as she puts one hand on her stomach. "He or she will be here after you turn 5. You'll have to be a big helper ok?"

Janie smiles wide and jumps into Rachel's lap. "I get to be a big sister? Like Rosie at school? Let's go to school right now so I can tell my teacher!" Janie runs towards the door, not waiting for anyone to follow her. "Come on Mommy! We have to go!"

"See, that went fine," Finn says. "I'm sure everyone else will be excited too."

* * *

Carole invites them over for dinner. Rachel is 16 weeks now and everything has been going according to plan. Everything except telling people she's pregnant. Her job had ended two weeks prior and she had no plans of getting a new one right now, so telling an employer wasn't necessary. Hiram and Shelby lived in Florida, so she knew she could avoid telling them for as long as possible. However, her bump was growing and if she showed up in a huge sweater and leggings Kurt would know something was up.

"We're telling my family tonight Rach. It's time." Finn had been guiding her for weeks to gear up for it. They had worked hard on coming to terms with this themselves, working through things in therapy and at home.

"I know. How should we tell them? I should probably call my parents before we leave so everyone knows on the same day." Rachel rubbed her swollen stomach and arched her back to stretch.

"Well I'm pretty sure when you walk in the door in that tight shirt everyone will know." Finn says as he points to her midsection.

"Yeah I am popping out quite a bit. Plus Janie has asked me why all of my shirts were too small yesterday. I think I need to fess up." Rachel picks up her phone to call her parents. "Finishing packing Janie's stuff for the day before we leave. Oh and walk Doug quickly!"

Finn throws the rest of Janie's toys and extra clothes in the bag Rachel always uses. Then he asks Janie if she wants to walk Doug with him, even though he knows the answer will be yes. As they walk out the front door he can hear Rachel talking on the phone. He hopes it goes well.

Janie is skipping ahead of he and Doug, talking constantly but he can barely hear her. He can't help but smile thinking about how she will be with a little brother or sister. Since they told her she can't stop talking about it. She's mostly excited that she can tell someone else what to do, but they can work on that later.

"Daddy why are you and Doug walking so slow? Hurry up! You aren't answering my questions." Janie continues to skip ahead, not waiting for them to catch up. "Can we take Doug to the park? He loves the park!"

"No, this is a quick walk before we go to Grandma and Grandpa's house for dinner. We aren't staying overnight so Doug just needs a quick walk until we get home later."

Janie frowns at his answer. "Can we take him to the park tomorrow?"

"Maybe. Let's head home and see if your mom is ready ok?"

Upon entering the house he found Rachel putting on her sweater. Her eyes looked glassy but she seemed to be ok.

Finn removes Doug's leash and throws him a toy to play with. "Janie go potty before we get in the car in case we hit traffic." Janie skips off to the bathroom and as the door shuts Finn decides to ask her.

"How did it go? You were crying."

Rachel continues to walk around gathering her purse and Janie's bag. "It was good. Good crying that is. They're worried about me of course, but I told them we were taking it slow and going to therapy. Overall they are excited and my mom wants to book her flight already for when the baby's born." Once she had everything in her hands she turns back towards Finn. "I think it wasn't that hard because I didn't tell them in person. They've been through the worst of it with me, so this is bittersweet for them too."

Janie comes barreling back into the living room. "I'm ready!" she exclaims as she grabs her bag out of Rachel's hands. "I'll carry it!"

* * *

The ride to Carole and Burt's goes by quickly. Rachel grew more nervous by the minutes as they got off the highway getting closer to the Hummel home.

"Don't be so worried. Everyone will be so excited. What's wrong?" Finn asks, seeing Rachel staring silently out the window.

"When everyone knows, it will be real," Rachel says quietly, glancing back at Jane who is watching a movie in the back seat.

"What do you mean it will be real? We've known for weeks and you're showing. It's been real this entire time." Finn reaches for her hand, but she pulls away.

"I know Finn. I know its been real. I just meant that it means its really happening. It's easy to just push it aside sometimes, but I'm still scared. I still feel like I don't deserve this."

Finn pulls over to the side of the road, realizing Rachel needs a moment before being ambushed by his mom and Kurt.

"Rachel, please don't do this. Don't sabotage our happiness. I know this wasn't planned, but maybe it had to happen this way or we would have never even tried for another baby. We have to tell people. It would be really hard to avoid my family for another five months. We can't just call them one day and tell them we had a baby."

Rachel giggles as she thinks about how Kurt would react if that happened. "I'm sorry. It's been years but it still feels so raw at times. I don't want you to think I don't love this baby, because I do. It's just hard. It's hard to move on when grief still takes over sometimes."

Janie interrupts from the back seat. "Why did we stop? I want to see Grandma!"

Finn puts the car back into gear, feeling the butterflies grow in his stomach. He hopes the news goes over well.

They pull up and see Kurt and Blaine's car parked in the driveway. As they park the car he can see Rachel take a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

"It will be fine," Finn says, putting the car in park. "They'll take one look at your stomach and it will all be out ok? Don't worry so much."

The three of them walk into the house, Janie screaming and running into Carole's arms the second she lays eyes on her. "Grandma! I brought all of my frozen dolls to play with in my bag!" Rachel and Finn walk into the room and everyone greets them. Rachel hugs everyone tightly, but oddly enough no one says a word to her.

Rachel eyes Finn from across the room, but Finn just shrugs his shoulders, unsure of what to do. They were so sure everyone would notice her growing stomach, since she was always normally very tiny. They hadn't planned on what to say if no one noticed.

Janie dumps out her dolls in the middle of the living room, fully aware there are never any other kids around to play with at family gatherings. "Uncle Kurt, come play with me. You do the best voices!"

"Hey what about me?" Rachel asks as she winks.

"Mommy you always do them, I want Uncle Kurt to play ok?"

Kurt sticks his tongue out towards Rachel playfully which causes Janie to laugh. The two settle down and start playing, ignoring the rest of the group as they converse.

Rachel sits next to Blaine and Finn and Burt are talking about the usual sports teams they love. "So Blaine, how's married life? We haven't seen you since the wedding!."

"Well its been busy! Between the honeymoon and moving we've been booked every weekend! We were glad when Carole organized this dinner so we could all finally get together. How have you guys been?"

Rachel found herself reading into everything. Who was looking at her? What did Blaine mean by asking how she's been?

"We've been busy too. I finished up my show and think I'll take a little break for a while." Rachel's eyes grew wide as she sees Carole walking towards her holding two glasses of wine.

"Here you go Rachel. I'm sorry I didn't have this wine ready when you arrived."

Rachel takes the glass of wine and tries to get Finn's attention, but he and Burt are now looking up sports stats on his phone and are totally oblivious. She sees Janie stand up from where she's sitting with Kurt, and throws her Barbie doll on the floor.

"Uncle Kurt you can't go to Disney World without me! It's not fair!"

"Janie calm down. I was going to ask you all if you wanted to go. Uncle Blaine has to go down there for work so I was hoping we could make a vacation out of it."

Before Rachel could intervene, the words come barreling out of Janie's mouth.

"Uncle Kurt, Mommy can't go to Disney World because she can't go on any rides! She has a baby in her belly and we can't go!"

The room grows silent and Carole's mouth falls open up on hearing the words.

"WHAT?" Kurt says turning his attention towards Rachel. "Are you really? Are you pregnant?"

Rachel doesn't have time to process anything before blurting out "Yes" and Blaine is hugging her tightly.

Finn rushes over and picks up Janie so she can celebrate too.

"You'll make a great big sister Janie!" Burt says as he gives Finn a hi-five.

"How far along are you? Oh this is so exciting!" Carole hugs Rachel and glances down towards her stomach. "Oh wait there's a bump already!"

"I'm 16 weeks and we thought for sure someone would notice so we didn't know how to tell you once no one mentioned it!" Rachel pulls her shirt down, straightening out the wrinkles that had formed.

"Oh I noticed," Kurt begins, "but honestly thought you had just put on some weight since our wedding. I wasn't about to ask."

Rachel laughs loudly at this, as Carole pulls her in for another hug.

"Mom, remember the night Rachel was rushed to the hospital? Well this was why," he says pointing to her swollen stomach. "We found out that day but wanted to keep it a secret for just a little while."

Carole's eyes grow wide. "Oh you poor thing. So glad that's over with now. I can't wait to get a new grandbaby in this house!"

Rachel thought she would feel differently after everyone knew about the baby, but mostly she feels relieved. It helps to see how happy and excited everyone else was. She knows she works herself up in her head of what others might think, but all she sees is joy.

* * *

By the time Rachel is six months along, Janie has trouble fitting on her lap for story time before bed. They move this ritual to Rachel and Finn's bed so they can stretch out and read. Finn is working late this evening, so its just Rachel and Janie snuggled up in bed together. They still read her "Mama Krista" book every night, although lately Janie has been asking more questions about it. They're always honest with her, emphasizing how much Krista loved her and how lucky she was to have two mommies. One up in heaven and one here on Earth.

Janie's laying tucked under Rachel's arm. Rachel's rubbing Janie's forehead slightly as they talk before bedtime.

"Who's in your special book mommy? The blue one. It's in your purse sometimes" Janie fidgets with the blankets between her fingers as she waits for a reply.

Rachel had always thought that she and Finn would tell her about Ben together, but for some reason right now just felt right. She knows Janie is young and doesn't need all of the details, but Krista being gone makes the conversation flow. "Well, he was a special boy named Ben. He was my son."

Rachel expects a large reaction from Janie, but it never comes. Instead she just asks more questions. "Well where is he? How come we don't see him? Does he live with his daddy? A boy in my class lives with his daddy and not his mommy."

Rachel pulls Janie in tighter so that they are laying face to face on Rachel's pillow. "He doesn't live with his daddy. You see, way before you were born, he had to go to heaven too. Your daddy made me a special book just like you have so I could look at it and remember him by." Rachel felt a tear roll down her cheek as she stared into Janie's eyes.

"Do you miss him? I miss my mommy sometimes. She had my same hair you know."

Rachel kisses Janie's forehead as she fights the lump forming in her throat. "It's okay to miss her. I miss Ben too.

"Don't be sad mommy. Mama Krista is there to take care of him ok?" Janie rubs Rachel's forehead just like Rachel does when Janie's tired. "Can I see your book again?"

"We can look at it tomorrow" Janie closes her eyes and begins to drift off and Rachel realizes this was the most perfect thing her daughter could have said to her. Of course at 4 she doesn't grasp what it really means, but it helps Rachel to think of Ben surrounded by love wherever he is.

Finn comes home to find the two of them cuddled up in his bed sound asleep. Janie was curled into Rachel, like she was connected to her. In many ways they were. Finn peels Janie away from Rachel, trying not to disturb either of them. After he successfully puts Janie to bed, he finds the his own bed empty.

Rachel comes out of the bathroom, rubbing her eyes as she heads back towards the bed. "Did you put her down? I guess I fell asleep with her at story time."

"Finn pulls back the covers on his side of the bed as he gets ready to change and climb in. "Yes, she didn't wake up. Sorry you did though. I tried to be quiet."

Rachel props herself up with pillows, trying to get comfortable again. "Oh you didn't wake me but this little one dancing on my bladder sure did." Rachel rubs her bump and feels the baby pushing back. "Jane asked me about the book again. I told her about Ben."

Finn climbs into bed next to Rachel, unsure of how she's feeling. "You did? I thought you wanted to do that together?"

"I did, but she just asked so innocently and it was actually a good conversation. It was short and obviously lacking details, but she knows he's in heaven with her mom and it was very sweet. She wants to look through my book tomorrow and I told her we could."

Finn is surprised by Rachel's actions but knows she did what she felt was right or them. "Okay, I think that's a good idea. She's seen the book a lot but we've never really let her look at it."

Rachel felt relived that Finn was taking this so well. "She doesn't fully understand, and she won't until she's older. Her mom is just some imaginary person to her. She doesn't remember a time when I wasn't here, so for her she has this magical mom up in heaven watching over her and she has me here. She could tell I was sad about Ben being gone, but she doesn't understand the loss."

"Hopefully she never will have to. I'm okay with her thinking of Krista the way she does. I don't want her to be sad about it. As long as she feels loved that's what matters. As she grows up the conversation will change about both Krista and Ben, but letting her take the lead has worked so far."

The next morning Finn and Rachel wake up to find Janie in-between them, thumbing through the blue photo album she found in Rachel's nightstand.

"Mommy are you ready to read this book? Wake up!" Janie pats Rachel's cheek gently, then turns her focus back to the book.

Finn sits up, rubbing his eyes to gain focus again. He lays on his side, propping himself up on his arm. "Now Janie be careful. Mommy's book is special just like yours. We don't play with this book and we always ask to look at it first. No exceptions."

Janie nods her head 'yes' as she continues to flip the pages. "Mommy what was his name again? He has your same hair just like my mommy had mine!"

Rachel sits up slowly, putting an extra pillow behind her back for support. "His name was Ben and he did have my hair."

Janie got to the picture of Rachel holding Ben as he snuggled into her neck before bed one night. "Did you rub his head like you do to me? When he was sleepy?"

Rachel inhales slowly, almost as if she can still smell Ben's hair when he rested his head on her shoulder. "I did. It's my special trick to get little kids to fall asleep." Rachel kisses Janie's cheek, relishing this moment because its almost as if Janie knows exactly the right things to ask.

"That's why you're the best mommy. You always can get me to sleep even when I don't want to."

Rachel doesn't want to cry, because Janie sometimes gets sensitive to Rachel crying, but seeing Janie looking at pictures of Ben and saying these things to her, she can't control it.

Finn sees Rachel wiping her eyes and knows he has to take over. He waits for Janie to take the lead, not wanting to open up any topics that aren't necessary at this time.

"When I go to heaven can I meet him? We could play trains maybe. It looks like he liked trains."

Rachel throws her hand over her mouth trying to hold back the sob that wants to escape. Even Finn felt himself tearing up at Janie's innocence.

"Janie I think he would really like that," Finn replies, running his fingers through Janie's long curls.

Rachel gets up and walks quietly to the bathroom, hoping Janie doesn't notice that she's crying.

"Okay I'm going to go find Doug now. He probably missed me while I was sleeping!" Janie puts the book down on the bed and skips out of the bedroom shouting Doug's name.

Finn finds himself flipping through Ben's book. He hasn't looked through it in a very long time. He looks at the pictures of Rachel holding Ben, her smile so big and wide. He remembers there was a time he never saw her smile like that. Almost the entire first year they knew each other he never saw her with that kind of excitement in her eyes.

Rachel shuffles out of the bathroom, her feet feeling heavy beneath her. "Janie left already? Was she upset?"

"Nope. Just ran off to play with Doug like we didn't have any type of serious conversation at all. She's four. Sometimes we forget that at four this is what her little brain can handle."

Finn lifts the covers and Rachel crawls back into bed. She grabs Ben's book from his hands and begins to look through it. The edges of the book look slightly worn, being carried around in Rachel's bag on trips sometimes.

"Lately I've been thinking about how old he would be by now. I look at boys his age walking down the street and wonder what he would be like. Would he have been a good student? Would he have played a sport?" Rachel rubs her stomach, "he would have loved to be a big brother."

Finn leans over to kiss her swollen belly beneath her nightgown. "I'm sorry he's not here Rachel. I know it still hurts and you still miss him. I'm just really proud of you. Our little girl loves you more than life, and this little one is so lucky to have you as a mom too" Finn rubs her belly again, feeling a slight kick back this time. "See!" Finn smiles, "The baby agrees with me!"

* * *

Janie turns five and this is the first year Krista's parents don't make it. Finn knew that eventually that tradition might fade off, but it's still a hard day for him. Krista's dad had back surgery and couldn't travel. They skyped with Janie on her birthday and sent her a gift, but you can still feel the sadness in their hearts as they try to smile and sing happy birthday to Janie on the screen. They've gone to visit them a few times, but he knows its hard for them, especially now that he's remarried. They've warmed up to Rachel, but he knows its not the same and he doesn't expect them to ever be okay with it.

He and Janie go to Krista's grave, Rachel laying a blanket out like the do every year to have a picnic. Janie skips around the cemetery, smelling the flowers that are all around. Rachel lays out the food and Finn stares off at Janie. Today will always be hard, no matter how much time passes.

"Mommy! Where is your little boy? Is he here?"

Ben isn't buried here. He's buried at a cemetery 30 minutes away. Rachel doesn't go there a lot. In fact, she's only brought Finn there one time since they've been together.

"No, he isn't sweetie." She replies, not want to put too much emphasis on it.

"Can we go to where he is after lunch?"

Finn glances over at Rachel, who looks back at him and nods her head "no".

"Janie," Finn starts, "We don't have time today. Your tea party is in a few hours and we don't want to be late. Maybe another time."

Janie plops down on the blanket and picks up her peanut butter sandwich Rachel had made her. "Ok," is all that she says before taking a bite.

They both know the life they lead is not normal, and most people would never be able to understand these types of situations that occur. They do though. They know this won't be the last of the conversations with Jane about her mother or Ben. As she grows older, her curiosity will grow.

* * *

Rachel is eight months along when Finn gets the courage to bring it up. They are lying on the couch watching TV, Rachel's feet propped up on Finn's lap. Doug is sprawled out on the floor in front of them, snoring. "We still don't have any names for the baby. Don't you think we should talk about it before he or she arrives? I mean, unless you want to name it "Baby" we need some ideas."

Rachel sighs, knowing he's right. She can't say she hasn't thought about it, because she has, but she's been working hard on just getting through her feelings day to day.

"Well Janie wants to name it Anna or Elsa if its a girl. That's not going to happen. Baby Hudson isn't bad though." Rachel laughs as she feels the baby kick slightly.

"I have to agree with you there. How did you pick Ben's name? Was it easy or hard?"

Rachel flashes back to herself laying on the ultrasound table, holding Steve's hand as the technician announced it was a boy. "We had two names picked out. Benjamin for a boy and Abigail for a girl. So once they said it was a boy, he was Ben. It fit him perfectly."

Last month they had decorated the nursery in Gray and White. They kept it neutral so they could add different colors depending on the gender of the baby.

"Same with us. We had Jack for a boy and Jane for a girl. Krista wanted classic names so that's what we decided on. Do you have any ideas?" Finn rubbed Rachel's feet which were now a little swollen from the pregnancy. She's been complaining about them for days.

"I like Stella for a girl. Oh and Genevieve!"

Finn wrinkles his nose at her suggestions. "I kind of like Stella. No on Genevieve. What about boy names?"

Rachel still has a hard time grasping the concept of having a boy. She's spent many therapy sessions crying about how guilty she feels for even having these thoughts. Of course she will love this baby, but fear always creeps back in and sometimes she can't avoid it.

"I feel like if its a boy, we'll just know what to do. I want to meet him first. Or her. Sometimes I think its better to wait. We both did it the other way last time. Let's just roll with it."

Finn's mouth hung open slightly. Rachel never wanted to "just roll with it." "Who are you and what have you done with my wife?" Finn laughs.

Rachel pulls the pillow back from behind her back and throws it at Finn's face. "Shut up Finn!" she laughs, "maybe for once I'm trying to let the universe do what it needs to do. Me obsessing and trying to play all of the scenarios in my head of what this birth and baby will be like isn't helping me. We've done pretty well so far. I'm trusting that we will help each other through this too."

Finn opens his mouth to argue but Rachel beats him to it. "Keep a list in your head if it makes you feel better." She winks at him as he hands her the pillow back.

* * *

Three weeks later she's folding Janie's laundry on the couch and Janie is running around the living room chasing Doug. Finn's on his way home and she can't wait until he walks through the door so she can lock herself in the bedroom and be alone. Rachel's over being pregnant and she feels anxious all of the time. Sometimes she regrets not finding out the sex of the baby. At the time she thought it was for the best, but now she spends most of her time fantasizing about the moment they announce whether its a boy or a girl.

"Janie could you please stop running after the dog. I'm not feeling well and I'd really like it if you calmed Doug down."

Janie slows down a bit, but continues to chase Doug just a little quieter. She glances back at Rachel to see if she notices, but Rachel just looks away hoping Jane gets the hint.

She continues folding the laundry until her back can't take it anymore and she lies down. "Ugh where is Finn" she mumbles as she tries to get comfortable. She lies there on her back, rubbing her stomach and wishing for something to happen. With Ben her water broke before labor even started, so that's the only symptom she's really familiar with at the moment.

Doug zips through the living room and knocks over the laundry Rachel had nicely folded on the chair. Janie trails behind him stepping all over it.

"JANE HUDSON!" Rachel yells. Go to your room and take Doug with you!" Rachel rarely has to yell at Janie because overall she's a great kid, but her patience is thin and she loses it. "I said now Jane!" she repeats as Jane stares back at her with watery eyes.

Janie runs off crying, Doug following behind her. Rachel feels guilty and starts crying too, but she doesn't have the energy to get off the couch to pick up the laundry or comfort Jane. She just continues to lay on couch, pillow propped behind her back, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Please baby, just come out soon," she whispers to her stomach.

Finn opens the door and the first thing he sees is the laundry thrown all over the floor, followed by a crying Rachel on the couch. "Uh babe are you ok?"

Rachel just cries harder, feeling defeated from what is a seemingly normal day. "Yes, I yelled at Janie because she and Doug were crazy and knocked over the laundry and my back hurts."

Knowing that Rachel is fine, he goes over and places the laundry back up on the chair and then goes to Janie's room to find her playing princesses with Doug. That dog is a saint.

By the time he gets back to the living room Rachel has sat up, rubbing her lower back with her hand. "Want me to help?" he asks.

He positions himself behind her and begins to rub her lower back. "Any better?"

"I guess. My back has been hurting all day. This kid is huge! I even pleaded with the baby to come out. I'm at that point Finn. Is Jane ok? I feel bad."

"Yes she's fine. Doug got suckered into playing princesses so he's taking one for the team right now."

Rachel laughs because that dog loves Janie so much that he'll sit with her through pretty much anything. "Ok the pain is a little better. Could you order a pizza and get Janie ready for dinner. I'm just going to lie here for a little longer."

Two hours later dinner has been eaten and Janie is in bed, but Rachel hasn't left the couch. After Finn cleans everything up and puts the laundry away, he joins her again on the couch. "Can I get you anything? Rub your back again.?"

Rachel nods to him and turns her back towards him. "Can you rub more to the left? OW! This pain will not let up!"

Finn starts to get nervous as he realizes what might be happening. "Rachel, how often is your back hurting? Have you timed it?"

"Why would I time it Finn? It's back pain. Please just keep rubbing."

Finn complies and rubs a little harder and he can feel Rachel wincing again. "Rachel, we need to time this. I think you're going into labor."

"Finn no I'm not. I'm not that lucky today. With Ben my water broke and I never had a contraction until I was at the hospital for over two hours and they felt nothing like this. I would know."

Finn doesn't want to upset her, so he stays quiet but looks at his watch to mark the time in his head. "Okay, fair enough." He turns the TV on to distract her, all the while monitoring when she would say the pain was worse. After another hour he's counted five more painful episodes.

Rachel grows more uncomfortable on the couch. "I think I need to stand up and stretch for a minute. Need anything from the kitchen?"

"No I'm good, how's the back?"

"Fine, I just need to stretch out a little." She turns to walk away and stops in her tracks. "Wow this kid. My back..." she can't finish her sentence through the pain.

"So are you ready to admit you're in labor? Rachel, your back is hurting every 5-7 minutes. I'm calling my mom so she can start driving."

A terrifying feeling washes over Rachel as she stands frozen in the living room. She's in labor and probably has been for most of the day, but denial can do funny things to the mind. "Okay call her."

Finn gets Carole headed over, but she lives 40 minutes away which gives them plenty of time to get everything together. He grabs Rachel's bag, along with his in case he decides to stay overnight with her. Meanwhile Rachel is pacing the living room, stopping and leaning on the couch every time she feels a contraction.

"How's it going? Are they coming closer?"

"Not closer, but now they are wrapping around to the front. Definitely contractions. Can you call the doctor now and see if we should head in when your mom gets here?" Rachel feels another one coming on, so she bends over and leans on Finn as he gets on the phone. She's trying not to panic, but when she asked the baby to come soon she didn't think it would actually happen tonight. She's not really listening to Finn's conversation on the phone, because she's trying to breathe through the pain.

"Okay they said we can head on in. Once my mom gets here we can go over to the hospital. They're expecting us."

With that announcement Rachel bursts into tears.

"What's wrong? Is the pain that bad? We can leave soon I promise my mom is on her way!"

Rachel sits down on the couch trying to get her shoes on but she can't reach that well. Finn comes over to help her, trying to make her meltdown easier. "I'm scared Finn. I'm not ready."

Finn places the last shoe on her foot and kneels in front of her. "I'm scared too but its our job to take care of and love this baby and we're going to do it okay?"

"Okay," she answers, and she wishes she believes him.

Once Carole arrived, they got themselves to the hospital within twenty minutes. Rachel was put in triage and Finn was trying hard not to panic. He's been here before, with his wife about to give birth, excitement filling the air. He is excited now too, but also terrified.

The doctor comes in to check Rachel as the nurses hook up her IV. "You're about 7 centimeters already Rachel. I'm guessing with the way you're progressing this baby will be here within a few hours."

Rachel smiles widely at this news and Finn feels relieved upon seeing her face. "Well that's good news right?" he asks.

"Yeah, good thing we didn't wait longer to come in." Rachel is jittery and her hands are shaking as she tries to reposition herself in bed.

"Rach take a deep breath. I know you're nervous and I am too, but let's try to just be excited about the baby coming soon. Janie doesn't even know we left so she will be so excited in the morning when she wakes up and finds out."

Rachel grows weepy again, thinking about how cute Jane will be when she comes to see them tomorrow. "And you need to stop worrying about me. I'm in good hands and nothing is going to happen. We've made it this far, Finn."

Rachel gets checked into a room and the epidural is given and they have about an hour of down time while Rachel sleeps and Finn texts everyone with updates. Kurt's begging to come by but he knows they need this time to be alone. No one can fully understand their fears in this situation except the two of them. He is finishing up his last update when he sees Rachel stirring in bed.

"What time is it?" She asks as she sits up slightly. Rachel pulls her hair into a messy bun piled on the top of her head as she glances at the clock. "I slept for 45 minutes? wow! This epidural is amazing."

Finn can tell she's more relaxed after getting some rest. "You feeling ok?"

Rachel rubs her side as she thinks about how she's feeling. "I think so? I have this weird pain on one side. Everything else is numb."

The nurse walks in to check on Rachel, clipboard in hand. "Rachel can you lay on your left side for me? We've noticed the baby's heartrate dip a little and we want to see if that makes a difference. The doctor will be in shortly to check you so if you could just stay in that position until he gets here that would be great."

Rachel rolls over immediately. "Is the baby ok? Is everything ok?"

The nurse checks Rachel's IV and rubs her hand for reassurance. "Sometimes baby's just get agitated during labor. I had you lay on this side to help blood flow and see if that makes a difference. If it was an emergency you would know. This just happens sometimes."

Finn rushes to Rachel's side as the nurse exits the room. "It's going to be fine. The doctor will come in and everything will be fine." Finn tries to hide the frantic thoughts swirling through his mind, but Rachel can see it in his eyes. He just wants everything to go perfectly today. No bad memories need to be associated with this new baby.

The doctor rushes in and they roll Rachel onto her back so she can be checked. "Well looks like it's baby time! You're at 10 centimeters which is probably why we saw the baby's heart rate drop. It's go time!"

Things start happening quickly and two nurses rush in and the doctor puts on his gloves and starts prepping Rachel. Finn never lets go of her hand and doesn't even think about texting anyone to update them. Their baby was coming and they both needed each other.

Rachel's legs get propped up and before she starts pushing he kisses her softly. "Let's meet our baby," he whispers as he looks into her eyes.

"I'm ready." Rachel follows the directions from the nurses, pulling her legs back and pushing with her next contraction. She keeps her focus on Finn's words and the thought of finding out who this little one is going to be. She stops to take a breath, leaning back to relax in between pushes.

Finn never leaves her side, talking her through it all. "That was great Rach. You're doing great."

"So we don't know the sex right? Who's going to want to look first? I like to let the parents find out before anyone else." The doctor looks up to the both of them, waiting for an answer.

"You do it Finn. I want you to tell me." Rachel wipes the sweat from her brow as the nurse announces its time to push again. Rachel takes a deep breath and pushes again. Three more sets of pushes go by before the doctor announces he can see the head.

"Does it have a lot of hair?" Rachel asks. Ben did so she's curious if this baby does too.

"No, I don't see that much but he or she certainly isn't bald."

Rachel starts tearing up because this is the first information she's hearing about her new baby and its different than expected. She just had a vision of this baby being a clone of Ben in every way, a fear maybe. Ben had a full head of dark hair, this baby doesn't.

She looks up at Finn who is starting to tear up too. "Our baby is almost here."

The next contraction comes quickly and she pushes hard enough to hear the doctor announce the head is out. She leans back again, this time crying harder because its so close. Rachel looks up at Finn to see he is looking down at the baby. "You said you weren't going to look!"

"I'm sorry but he said the head was out and Rachel our baby is right there!" Finn is smiling now and gripping her hand tighter than ever.

"One more push Rachel and you'll have your baby."

Rachel pushes again and the only thing she's thinking about at this moment is meeting her new son or daughter. She was afraid before. Afraid of what this baby would mean. Now she's ready to be a mom again.

The doctor delivers the baby and places it on Rachel's chest, the nurses rubbing towels vigorously on the baby to get him or her to cry. It doesn't take long before a long cry escapes and Rachel breathes a sigh of relief followed by a sob.

Finn eyes too fill with tears he's unable to hold back. The baby is right in front of him and he kisses Rachel on the cheek as he stares at their new baby.

"Well dad, why don't you take a peek between the legs before you cut the cord?" The doctor says to Finn as he continues to work between Rachel's legs.

"You ready?" He says to Rachel as he lifts up the baby's leg to see. He can barely get the words out because this is the biggest moment for them. It's all led up to this.

"It's a boy. It's a boy Rach." He's crying now because he isn't sure if she's happy, but he is. His son. His son is here and crying on his wife's chest and he couldn't be happier.

Rachel's crying too, because she's relieved. "A boy? Our boy." The baby is still crying and Finn cuts the cord and the second he's free Rachel scoops him up to her chest to comfort him. "Shhhh its okay baby. You're a boy. I can't believe it."

Finn finally gets a good look at his son. He has light brown hair, but just barely. It could almost be blonde in the sunlight he thinks. He thinks he has Rachel's eyes but he's still crying and super mad so he can't get a good look. He definitely looks a little like Janie too.

Rachel can't stop kissing his cheeks and staring at his face. "I think he looks a little like Jane don't you?"

"Yeah he does. Look how light his hair is. I wasn't expecting that at all. " Finn rubs his son's head, feeling the tiny wisps of hair under his palm.

The nurses pick the baby up to weigh him and clean him up. Finn goes over to the bassinet with him, making sure he never takes his eyes off of him. Part of him wants to stay with Rachel too, because last time he wishes he had stayed with Krista longer. He glances back at Rachel who gives him a little wave indicating she's okay.

"8lbs and 4 oz. Good size boy here!" The nurse says. "Lets just clean him up and give him right back to mama ok?"

Finn nods and leans over to his son who is still screaming. "It's okay buddy. I know you miss mama but you'll be back with her in one second."

The nurse wraps him up tightly and hands him off to Finn. "There you go daddy. He's all yours but he might be hungry."

Finn walks the baby over to Rachel who has her arms in the air before he gets to the bed. "Here he is. The nurse said he's hungry." Finn passes over the infant to his wife, his hands a little shaky. He hadn't realized the adrenaline that was coursing through his veins this entire night.

Rachel takes the baby in her arms and the nurse comes over to help her breastfeed. Finn watches in awe as the baby eats, looking at his wife so proudly.

"You ok?"he asks. He doesn't want to be overbearing, but he can't help but be a little paranoid about Rachel's well being right now.

"I'm fine," she replies, never taking her eyes off of her son. "I can't believe he's here. I was so afraid, but he's here and he's amazing." Rachel rubs the baby's cheek as he continues to try to eat, but he soon grows sleepy. She wraps him back up and swaddles him in her arms as he drifts off.

"Finn, we should probably name him now don't you think? I want him to have a name before Janie comes in the morning."

Finn gets out his phone to look at his list of names and sees that he only wrote girl names down. None for a boy. "Um, I made a list but no boy names are on it. I swore I had written some down but I guess not. Should I start googling?"

"Matthew. It means 'gift' and that's what he is. He's the gift I didn't know I needed and now I can't ever imagine there was a time I didn't want him here. Do you like it?" Rachel stares back at Finn, hoping he likes her idea.

Finn smiles back at her. "I love it. I thought you said you were just going to let it roll or go with the flow when we met him? Tried and failed huh?"

Rachel laughs in reply. "You know me. I tried really hard not to focus too hard on names but I had to have something in case it was a boy. So Matthew is ok with you? I don't have a middle name though."

Finn thinks for a minute, considering his dad or Burt, maybe Rachel's dad. Then it came to him.

"Benjamin. Matthew Benjamin Hudson." Finn sits on the edge of the bed and kissed Matthew's forehead. "Is that okay? If we used Ben's name?"

Rachel chokes out a sob as she kisses Matthew's nose. "Yes, of course its okay. Thank you Finn. Thank you so much."

Finn scoots next to Rachel and pulls her in tightly. "You don't have to thank me. We both made him together you know." Finn chuckles as he takes Matthew from her arms. He can tell she's tired as she leans her head on his shoulder.

"No, I just meant thank you for everything. Meeting you saved my life and gave me a new one all at the same time. I never thought I would get a second chance at anything and here I am."

The nurse comes in again and asks them if they want to send the baby to the nursery for the rest of the night. They both answer "no" in unison, wanting to stay together.

"I think I'm going to try to sleep since he's asleep. Why don't you lie on the couch over there and try to sleep too. You can put him in the basinet if you'd like." Rachel scoots down in the bed to make herself comfortable and Finn heads over to the couch with baby in hand.

"No, I think I'll hand with this guy for a while. You get some rest and I'll wake you when he needs to eat again."

Rachel fell asleep so fast that Finn almost couldn't believe it. I guess giving birth does that to a person. He sits on the couch with his son in his arms, just staring at his chunky cheeks and light hair. He does see Janie in him but also a lot of Rachel.

It dawns on him that he never got this kind of time with Jane. Krista died so soon after she was born and he was dealing with so much. He never had time to just soak it all in because his world was crumbling all around him. He never got to watch his wife sleep while he held their baby in his arms. He's glad Janie can't remember those times because he feels so guilty about it.

* * *

The next morning Carole arrives at 9 am with Janie. She wanted to wait longer but the second Janie realized she had a new sibling she was driving Carole nuts to go to the hospital. Finn and Rachel hadn't given out any information about the baby besides that it was born, so both Carole and Janie were excited on the drive over.

Rachel had managed to get a quick shower in and feed Matthew before they arrived. Finn got a quick cat nap in, but he was up most of the night monitoring his son and wife. Maybe tonight he'll be able to relax a little.

Carole walks in with a timid Janie behind her. Rachel had never seen her so reserved.

"Hey Janie! The baby is here!" Rachel exclaims as she points to Matthew sleeping in her arms.

Janie doesn't really move, so Finn goes over and picks her up and carries her over to Rachel's bed. "What the matter Janie? Don't you want to meet your new brother?"

"Oh its a boy!" Carole shouts clasping her hands together. She keeps her distance letting Janie meet him first.

"Yeah, I want to meet him," Janie whispers in Finn's ear. She's smiling but wary of Rachel in the hospital bed. Janie has always been sensitive when it came to anything with Rachel, so Finn knows this is overwhelming for her.

"Come sit next to me Janie so you can see him better." Rachel scoots over a bit and Finn puts Janie down next to her. He snaps a picture as Janie gets her first good look at her brother.

"He's little," she says as she pulls back the blanket a bit to get a better look.

"Do you want to hold him? He's ready to meet you."

Janie nods her head and puts her arms out. Finn slides a pillow onto her lap as Rachel lays Matthew on top of it.

"What's his name?" Carole asks. "I've been dying to know!"

"Matthew Benjamin" Rachel replies as she beams looking at Janie holding him.

"I love it," Carole says as the tears form in her eyes. "So beautiful."

Finn sees his mom crying and it makes him tear up a little too, but he doesn't want to lose it with Jane in the room. "Mom, stop," he says under his breath so Rachel and Janie won't hear.

"I'm sorry. It's just so sweet." Carole dabs her eyes with a tissue as she too looks at the three of them on the bed.

Finn snaps some more pictures and then climbs on the bed so they can take a big family picture too.

Matthew yaws and Janie giggles. "I think he loves me," she says as she kisses his forehead.

"Of course he does Janie. You're his big sister!" Rachel hugs Janie from the side and looks at her two kids sitting next to her and she feels nothing but pure happiness. She feels a little guilty that she once thought she didn't want another baby. That the baby would be replacing Ben. As she stares at Matthew she realizes there is nothing farther from the truth. It will always hurt that Ben isn't here, but Matthew entering the picture doesn't mean that Ben matters any less. He's just proof that time can heal and you learn to live with the acceptance that things have changed.

"I'm a little sad for the baby. I have two mommy's but the baby will only have one."

Rachel isn't shocked by Janie's statement. She now talks about her mom and Ben all of the time since their conversation. "You are a very lucky little girl." Rachel says.

Well do you think you could ask your mommy to watch over this baby?" Finn says. "He'll need some extra love too."

"I think I can. Everyone in heaven can watch over him. Ben too. Right mommy?" Janie grows restless and starts squirming around so Rachel grabs the baby from her.

"Yes Janie, I think that's a great idea," Rachel replies, trying not to cry in the process. "Carole would you like to hold your grandson while I snuggle with Janie for a bit? I missed her."

Carole grabs the baby and goes to sit on the couch. Finn joins her as he yawns. "So what you do think mom? Surprised its a boy?"

Carole smells the top of the baby's head before she kisses him. "A little. I know Rachel was so scared to have a boy so I think we all had it in our heads that it was a girl. He's so handsome Finn. He looks like you a little with this light hair."

Finn glances over at the bed where Rachel and Janie are engaged in some deep conversation, but he decides to leave them be. Janie and Rachel have a special bond that even he can't break.

"Mommy, I woke up and Grandma was there and you were gone! Why didn't you bring me with you?"

Rachel pulls Janie onto her lap so she can hug her tighter. "Well you were asleep and babies take a long time to be born so we figured you could sleep all night and meet him today. What do you think of your new brother? Are you excited?"

"Yes! Grandma said we can make him a big banner for when he comes home! Can I help you with him? Grandma says I'm a good helper!"

"Oh of course you can. You'll have to help me with everything. He's so lucky to have you as a big sister Janie. You will be the best. He's going to love you so much."

* * *

Two weeks later, Finn is back to work and they are all adjusting to home life with a newborn. Matthew is a good baby and Finn and Rachel can't imagine life without him.

Rachel is curled up on the couch with a cup of tea, sipping it slowly as she watches her two children on the floor. Matthew is laid out on a blanket, wide awake and content. Janie is laying next to him talking to him about her day. Doug of course isn't far away. He's not thrilled about the baby, mostly because he cries and interrupts Doug's ten naps he takes a day.

"Mommy, he's looking at me. When I talk he watches me!" Janie is laying face to face with Matthew, rubbing his belly gently.

"He loves you Janie. You're such a good sister to him and he loves hearing you talk to him."

Finn walks in the door shortly after, home early from work. His boss is letting him work shorter days for another week so he can help at home with the baby. Life at home with a newborn is completely different than when he had Janie alone. He had his mom of course, but there was so much sadness surrounding them. It was a dark time when it should have been one of pure joy. With Matthew everything is happy. Sure they're tired and they've had some moments of crabbiness in the middle of the night, but sharing it with Rachel has made it so much better.

Rachel smiles when she sees her husband walk through the door. Her days have been good, but it always helps when Finn is around to lend a helping hand.

"Hey," she smiles as he sits next to her on the couch. "You're missing quite the conversation between Jane and Matthew. He really watches everything she does. He's so young to be doing that! She doesn't give him much choice though." Rachel laughs as she sees Jane scoot even closer to Matthew's face. "Janie let him breathe ok? He can't see you if you're on top of him." Rachel let's out a yawn, realizing the events of last nights lack of sleep are catching up with her.

"Why'd don't you go take a nap before dinner and I'll handle them for a while."

Rachel takes him up on his offer and goes to her room and shuts the door.

"How's my little lady and little man doing today? Did you help you mom today Janie?"

"Yes daddy. I even threw a poopy diaper away for her. It was gross!"

Finn laughs at Janie making a face as she tells him the story. Matthew begins to fuss a little and Finn knows this time of day is not a good one for him. Matthew has trouble settling down between 4 and 7 pm and at 3:45 he was hitting it early today.

"Okay buddy, you need to be held right now?" Finn picks up Matthew and holds him against his chest. At two weeks old Matthew is very particular about how he likes to be held, so Finn goes to the position he likes the most.

Matthew nuzzles his head into Finn's chest and pulls his legs up underneath him. He's still small and Finn's entire hand can cover his back, but he's feisty and hard to keep still at times.

He walks around the apartment, rocking his body back and forth to try and settle his son. Finn knows Rachel needs to sleep, she was up more times than he was last night. Janie is keeping herself busy coloring and Doug is napping again, so his main job is to keep his son happy until Rachel wakes up. Matthew isn't having it though.

Twenty minutes later the baby is still fussing, despite having tried several other holding positions. Rachel emerges from the bedroom, hair disheveled and bags under her eyes. "Give him to me. He probably wants to eat even though I just fed him before you got home."

"Sorry Rach, if I could feed him I would but..."

She laughs as she grabs Matthew out of his arms and props herself up on the couch. Matthew immediately latches on and starts eating. "I swear this kid would eat all day if I let him."

Finn joins her on the couch, bringing her a glass of water and some crackers. "Here, in case you get hungry or thirsty. I'll get started on dinner since your job is to feed him dinner right now."

"Can you just sit with me for a minute? I've only talked to Janie all day and while she is very interesting, I need to talk to an adult for a little while."

Finn settles in next to her, watching his son eat, his little hand clinging to Rachel's shirt. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Anything. The weather, Janie going to Kindergarten soon, how I want another baby...". Rachel winks at Finn when she sees his mouth hanging open.

"You want a what? You just had a baby two weeks ago if you haven't noticed."

"Not now silly. Maybe next year though. This is the life I want. I'm not afraid anymore. It's like we had to have him in order to face our final fears and move on. Don't you feel good now that he's here? I wish I hadn't spent so much of my pregnancy worried about things." Rachel looks down at Matthew who is still eating, eyes closed peacefully while his body lays across hers.

"Yeah, this little guy has done a lot by simply showing up hasn't he?" Finn asks, still not believing what she's saying. "So next year?"

"Yeah," she smiles, "next year."

* * *

 **There you have it! Thank you so much for reading this story and all of your reviews have been great! I read every single one! I might have an epilogue for this down the road, but want to work on my other two stories I have going right now. So if you're bored click on my profile and read Fire and Ice or Feels Like Home to me. Both will be updated soon!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello! I wrote this epilogue when I finished the story, I just wasn't sure if I was going to post it. I feel like I could write 100 chapters of this story and never feel finished. I let myself sit on it for a few months and decided to post. I tried to keep it simple and wrap it up nicely. Hope you all enjoy! (I own the plot and original characters. Everything else is owned by Ryan Murphy)**

* * *

 **12 years later**

Jane takes a deep breath as she looks herself over in the mirror. Her blonde curly hair cascades past her shoulders, hitting the straps of her black dress. At 17 she stood at 5'7, the height she inherited from her dad. She passed Rachel up when she was just 13. That same year she got her period and Rachel threw her a party for the two of them, complete with Advil, ice cream, and a movie.

Tonight was her sister Sarah's first performance as a lead in a musical. She was only 10 but had nailed her audition for the community theater production of "Matilda". Sarah was born two years after Matthew and was 100% Rachel. She looks like her, acts like her, and is just as talented. Jane had tried dancing for a while, but found she was better at writing and art. Her parents nurtured that, never pushing her to do anything she didn't want to do.

Her mom and Sarah had left hours ago to get to the theater early, which left her home alone to wait for her dad and Matthew to get home from basketball practice so she could ride with them. As much as she loves her sister, she didn't want to spend most of her Saturday backstage in a theater with nothing to do.

She had some time to kill so she decides to check her email for the 100th time today. It's February of her senior year. College applications had been sent in the fall, and she's been waiting for confirmation ever since. She'd already been accepted to Columbia and NYU, her parents thrilled with both of those since she wouldn't be too far away.

There was one school she was waiting on. Her number one choice. Also, the choice that her parents were not supportive of. Emails were going out to those who would be selected as recipients for the Rhodes Scholarship to attend Oxford University. She'd applied to several, but her dream was to move to England to go to college and see the world. This wasn't a new concept. She had talked about this for the better part of four years. Her grades were perfect and her extra curriculuar activities were outstanding.

Yes, growing up in New York had its perks, but she never felt it was her scene. Her parents know she applied, although they didn't take it seriously. Her mom wanted her close by, allowing her to move to the dorms at her school of choice in New York. Jane had played along with that notion, secretly hoping they would hop on board with her idea of moving far away.

Jane was worried about how they would react, knowing she'd be so far away from the family. If she gets in she has to go. How could they deny her this dream? They had all been close, even through the bad times like when Grandma Shelby died or when she came home from school in the fourth grade to find her beloved dog Doug had passed away. Support was not lacking in this family, so why couldn't they just support her on the biggest opportunity of her lifetime?

The other reason was a big one. Her parents always proofread and approved every essay she had written for every college application she sent off. Jane had lied, telling them she used one from a previous school about extra curricular activities shaping her as a person. She knew she needed to be a little more aggressive with this application though. She wrote her application essay on grief and how its made her the person she is today. The main focus though, was how her parents lived through their grief and how it molded the way their family functioned and its influence on her. It wasn't really sad, but it did play a lot into how she and her siblings were raised.

Ben and Krista passing away weren't taboo topics, they just weren't brought up a lot, especially with people outside of their immediate family. Rachel still has her now weathered book full of pictures of Ben. It doesn't show up as often anymore, but Jane knows its there, residing in her mothers nightstand. She also has seen the box of her birth mother's things up on a shelf on her dad's side of the closet. When she was little she used to spend hours going through the items, making her dad tell her stories about her mom over and over. Now there were no more stories to tell. She has learned everything there is to know about Krista, so her desire to look through her things has dwindled too.

Her email pops up and she doesn't see anything new. Just a few advertisements and an email from her English Professor about an essay she had turned in.

She jumps as she hears the door slam downstairs. Slamming her laptop shut, she hears her brothers giant footsteps banging up the stairs. Jane runs to the hallway to see Matthew run into the bathroom.

"Gotta shower quick before mom kills us for being late." He shuts the door and she hears the water turn on.

Making her way downstairs, she sees her dad reading a note Rachel had left on the fridge. "Don't be late. I love you!" it read. He's smiling before he notices Jane staring at him.

"Well you look nice. I've got to go throw my suit on and then we can head out. Your brother will be murdered if he takes too long up there."

"It's a miracle he's showering at all. Boys are so gross." Janie rolls her eyes thinking about how smelly Matthew has been lately.

"Yeah they are, but that doesn't stop you from dating them does it?" He winks at his daughter as he walks past her, heading up the stairs.

"Shut up dad! You guys have 25 minutes to get in the car before mom starts calling!"

She walks to the fridge to grab a bottle of water and a sandwich for Matthew to eat in the car. Rachel had left it for him knowing he wouldn't be able to last until dinner after the play. Over the years she had taken note of how well prepared her mom was for everything. She was old enough to clearly remember when Sarah was born and how organized her mom was even with a toddler running around.

As she closes the fridge she sees their Christmas Card from last year hanging on the fridge, being held up with a "I LOVE NYC" magnet. It was a simple picture of them taken out on their grandparents porch on Thanksgiving. Rachel and Finn were standing in the middle, both in dark jeans and sweaters. Sarah was standing in front of them, the only child smaller than Rachel. Matthew stood next to Finn and Jane next to Rachel. They were all smiles and she remembers Rachel squealing when she saw it proclaiming the Christmas Card picture was done.

Jane never really felt out of place. Rachel's the only mom she's ever known and she treats all three of her children the same. She can't help but notice though, how she stands out in every family picture. The girl with the blonde curls in a sea of brown hair. A blaring sign that she was just a little bit different than her siblings. When people would ask where she got her blonde hair from, she would usually just say her dad. That wasn't a complete lie, but it was easier than getting into the whole "Oh well my mom but she died at birth" story.

It never was an issue growing up, at least she doesn't remember it being one. Once when she was 13 and Rachel grounded her for lying about going to a friends house but it was really a boy/girl party. Jane lashed out. She told Rachel she wasn't really her mom and that she hated her. Her punishment went from two days to a month and she felt so bad she threw up and cried for two days straight. Rachel pretended like nothing had happened. Jane never said that again.

She hears her dad open the bathroom door upstairs and yell something at Matthew, then rushes down the stairs in a dark grey suit.

"That looks nice on you dad. Mom will be happy with you wearing that."

"I figured she's going to force us to take a family picture tonight, and I don't want to get lectured about my poor choice in clothing. Plus, its a big night for your sister." Finn straightens out his tie as they hear Matthew stumble out of the bathroom upstairs. "Matt you have five minutes! Hurry up!"

Jane grabs her purse and throws on a sweater. She's learned that the theater, no matter which one, can be notoriously cold.

Matthew rushes down the stairs, dressed in black slacks and a dark green dress shirt. His hair is slightly wet, but he's managed to put some gel it to try and tame the slight waves.

"Do I pass the test? Mom laid this out for me so it better."

"You look fine, now go get in the car before your mother starts texting us asking where we are." Finn rushes both kids out the door, locking the house behind him.

* * *

They arrive at the theater 30 minutes later. It's located in Westbury, a small city on Long Island but it has a fantastic theater that hosts all kinds of shows. Sarah's show was going to last two weeks, so Jane knew she was going to have to pick up the slack at home.

The three make their way backstage. Jane made her dad stop on the way so she could pick up some flowers for Sarah. Pink Roses were her favorite so she made sure she got the best bouquet they had.

They open her dressing room door to see Rachel sitting on a small couch. Sarah was sitting across from her on a chair running some lines. She was dressed in her opening number outfit all ready to go.

"Hey there short stuff! Ready for your big night?" Finn rushes over and pulls Sarah in for a hug.

"Daddy...too tight..." Sarah laughs pushing him away.

"Here you go Sarah, good luck tonight." Jane hands over the flowers, winking at her mom who is snapping a picture on her phone.

"Don't blow it kiddo. That would suck." Matthew holds up his hand for a high five.

"Matt! Be nice! This is a big night for her!" Rachel yells, annoyed at her son.

"Mom, I'm kidding. She knows I'm rooting for her, right squirt?"

Sarah high fives him back. "Yes I know. Now go get in your seats so I can finish practicing. I'll see you guys afterwards."

Jane and Matthew were very tall, which bothered Sarah who was the shortest in her class. What she lacked in height though, she showed with personality and drive. At 10 years old Sarah was more mature than Matthew and Jane combined. She had been in a number of plays, even booked some modeling jobs back when she was 7. She had dark brown eyes and very dark hair with a slight wave to it. Since she was small for her age, she had the advantage of playing a kid longer than if she were tall. Rachel always pointed out to Sarah that this was a good thing.

The three of them sit in the front row, an empty seat for Rachel when she comes from backstage.

Finn's leg bounces up and down in anticipation of the play starting. "I hope she does okay. I'm so nervous for her."

"Dad, its Sarah. Sarah is a mini version of mom. She'll be fine." Jane's stomach got butterflies as the lights flickered. She didn't want to admit she was nervous too.

"I know but we forget she's only 10. She acts like she's 20, but she's still a kid." Finn glanced up the aisle to see if Rachel was coming.

Rachel came scurrying down the aisle, sitting quickly in her seat and grabbing Finn's hand. "She seemed ready. I'm so nervous for her."

Finn kissed the top of Rachel's hand which made Jane smile. She was going to miss them when she moved away.

* * *

Sarah blows everyone away, earning herself a standing ovation from the crowd. Rachel was sobbing by the end and Finn had tears dripping out of the corners of his eyes. Matt was clapping wildly with Jane, who also was misty eyed.

The four of them made their way backstage to find a beaming Sarah with her cast mates. Rachel of course got to her first.

"My girl! I'm so proud of you! How does it feel?" Rachel brushes the hair away from Sarah's face so she could get a clear look at her face.

"It feels amazing! How did I do?" Sarah runs over to Finn to hug him next.

"You did great! We're so proud of you!" Finn says as he tries to hide the tears still in his eyes.

Sarah hugs Jane and Matthew before returning to her mothers side. "I can't wait for everyone else to see it tomorrow!" Her grandparents, uncles, and cousin were all coming to the matinee tomorrow, leaving the opening night for just the immediate family.

While waiting for the excitement to die down, Jane gets her phone out to check her email again. She doesn't notice her mother watching her from a few feet away. Jane sighs when she sees no new messages and puts it away.

"Everything ok Jane?" Rachel asks.

"Yeah why? I'm just waiting for you guys to be done so we can go eat."

Rachel looks her up and down and Jane's hoping she doesn't suspect anything. Somehow she can always figure things out before Jane has the chance to tell her.

"Okay, why don't you and Matt go get in the car and we will meet you there in five minutes."

Matthew and Jane walk to the car quietly, hoping the heat warms the car up quickly. Jane starts the car and then hops into her seat in the back, Matthew on the opposite side.

"Where are we going to dinner? I'm starving!" Matthew pats his stomach as he turns back towards the theater to see if his dad is coming.

"My guess is mom will let Sarah pick, which means we are going to Milo's." Milo's was a local Italian place near their house and Sarah picked it for every special occasion.

"Pasta? I can deal with that."

"You'll eat anything so stop acting like any of her choices wouldn't have satisfied you." Jane gets her phone out again to check her email one more time. She see's the title of the email and screams. "Holy shit!"

Matthew jumps at the noise. "What the hell Janie? What happened?"

Jane opens the email, her yes scanning the words faster than her brain can comprehend them. "Dear Jane Hudson, we are proud to congratulate you on being awarded the prestigious Rhodes Scholarship. You have been accepted into Oxford University for the fall. Please read the attachments to this email that will explain the next steps upon accepting and completing your enrollment." She scans the rest quickly before Matthew interrupts.

"Jane! Hello? Are you going to tell me what this is about before dad gets in the car. He's walking over here right now." Matthew leans over to try to read her phone but Jane hits the home button and the screen disappears.

"It's none of your business Matt." Jane throws her phone back into her purse hoping he keeps his mouth shut. The second her mom gets wind of anything out of the ordinary, she doesn't stop until she figures it out.

* * *

The next morning Rachel and Sarah leave for the theater early since there is a matinee performance today. Burt and Carole are coming, along with Hiram, Blaine, Kurt, and their daughter Abby who is seven. Jane had offered to skip the show and prepare a late lunch for everyone after the show. Matthew had a basketball game and had gotten a ride from a friends mom, so it was just Jane and her thoughts for most of the day.

She opened up her laptop, reading the acceptance email once again. It's at this point the tears finally come. She's proud of herself. She's wanted this forever, much to the dismay of her parents. She's scared to tell them, but time will run out if she waits too long. Jane spends the next hour looking up things to do around Oxford, classes she can take abroad in other countries in Europe, etc.

Just as she finishes preparing the food, she hears the side door open and a loud group of people enter the house. Her dad hangs up his keys on the key rack and runs upstairs to change. He can't stand wearing a suit if he's not at work.

"Janie!" Carole cries and immediately hugs her.

"Well hello to you too! How was the play?"

She sees Burt file into the kitchen. "She was phenomenal of course. It's crazy how much she's like your mom huh?" Burt sees a bowl of chips on the counter and quickly throws one into his mouth.

"Yeah it is. She was great last night. Foods all set so help yourselves!." Jane remains quiet, knowing that she can't let anyone in on her big news just yet.

Kurt and Blaine arrived a few minutes later with Abby in tow. Jane of course loves her little cousin, considering she's the only one she has. They all greet each other with kisses and hugs. They've always been close and Jane doesn't remember a special event that her family didn't attend. Grandpa Hiram would even fly up from Florida to see Jane sing at a school festival.

The family starts to eat just as Rachel and Sarah return from the theater. Everyone claps for her and Sarah does a cute little curtsey for everyone. Rachel fixes herself a plate and sits right next to Jane while Sarah goes to sit next to Abby.

"Thanks for getting this all together Jane. It really let me focus on Sarah while I was gone." Rachel gives Jane a small side hug from her seat.

"No problem. I'll go and see her show tomorrow if I get all of my homework done later."

Carole pipes in from across the table. "So Jane, your dad told us you got into Columbia and NYU. Any thoughts on your final decision?"

Jane shrugs her shoulders because this is the question she gets asked at least once a week by her parents. "I haven't decided yet. I have two and a half more weeks until the deadline."

Rachel sighs because this has been a bone of contention between the two of them. Finn was more relaxed about Jane's college decisions. Rachel, on the other hand, thought it was best Jane make a decision so they could start planning for the following year. Neither of them talked about Oxford because they didn't think Jane would get in or really commit to go. They loved her, but this was ambitious, even for Jane.

"Well Jane will be close by no matter which school she's at so we can at least see her a few times a year if she decides to come home and visit." Rachel laughs and gently hits Jane's leg with her own under the table.

"Of course I'll come and visit. You and dad will probably show up at my dorm if I don't."

Just then Matthew comes home from his game, distracting everyone from Jane's future college plans to talk about how many baskets he scored. She can't help but notice how Rachel looks somber as everyone talks around her.

* * *

Two weeks fly by. Sarah's play is over and a Broadway scout had come to one of her performances and contacted Finn and Rachel about having her audition for some upcoming openings in shows. Jane is relieved when she finds out this information because it distracts her parents completely from her college acceptance applications, which are due in two days. Jane finds it hard to act normal around her parents, because she's nervous about how to broach the subject of moving to England at 18 years old. She had tried to tell them several times, but chickened out at each attempt. She's never kept a big secret from them like this and its wearing on her.

Jane can tell Rachel has caught on. What used to be normal nightly conversation is now very one sided. Jane will listen to Rachel, but has been offering very little in return. After leaving school that day, she gets a text from Rachel.

 **Your father and I need to speak with you when you get home. Matt is at practice and Sarah is at a friends house. Love you.**

Jane's stomach drops when she reads it. She can't avoid it any longer. She's going to have to beg and plead to have her parents agree to let her move to England for four years. Jane fights back the tears knowing it will be a battle.

She walks slowly into the house, finding her parents sitting side by side on their long couch. Rachel is covered partially in a blanket, legs curled underneath her. Finn is sitting next to her, holding a cup of coffee.

Jane drops her book bag off by the front door and sits across from her parents on a smaller couch. She removes her heavy winter jacket, placing it beside her. She avoids eye contact with them for as long as possible.

"Jane," her mother says softly, "what's going on with you? You've been pushing off accepting a place into college, you're extra quiet, and you've been avoiding us. I know I've been gone a lot over the past two weeks, but I know you. You aren't yourself. What's going on?"

Jane feels her heart beating rapidly in her chest as she thinks about how she's going to tell them. She takes a little long to formulate her answer, because she wants it to be perfect.

"Are you pregnant?" Finn blurts out.

"Finn!" Rachel shouts as she slaps his arm. She turns back to Jane with a concerned look in her eye. "Honey, you can tell us. Whatever is bothering you we will support you."

"You...you think I'm pregnant?" Jane can't help but start laughing hysterically. "Seriously dad? Seriously!? Mom has given me the sex talk more times than she'd probably like to admit. I can assure you I am not pregnant."

Finn looks puzzled as he sits across from his daughter. "Jane, stop laughing. We've both noticed a change in your behavior. Your mom has been worried sick. We waited to see if you were going to come to us about it, but you haven't. Please tell us what's going on before we have to start snooping."

Jane's eyes grew wide and she felt herself gripping onto the fabric of her jeans for dear life. "I got into Oxford! I won the Rhodes Scholarship!" she blurts out. She waits for her parents to over react, but they don't. They just sit there staring back at her.

"So that's why you've been so quiet? Why did you keep this from us? That's great honey!" Rachel gets up from her seat on the couch and goes over to Jane to hug her. "That's really something to brag about! Something special to tell your kids one day." Rachel rubs her arm to comfort her. "Now can you tell us why you haven't accepted your spot at NYU or Columbia? Do you not want to go to college? That's not really an option in this household but if you have a valid reason we'd be open to listening to it."

Jane realizes that her parents don't get what's she's trying to tell them. She stands up and folds her arms across her body. "I'm going to Oxford. No one turns down a Rhodes Scholarship mom! No one! Only 32 are given out in a year! Do you know how hard I've worked for this? How long I worked on my essay? TWO MONTHS! Two months writing an essay that would prove to them I am more than just my G.P.A.!"

Rachel stands up too, glancing at Finn who is still sitting on the couch silent. "Jane, calm down. First of all, you wrote your essay in a weekend because I helped you with it so stop exaggerating. Second of all, you are not moving to England by yourself right out of high school. You got into two great schools here in New York, so stop acting like you don't have options. We are proud of you for this, but it doesn't mean it gives you automatic permission to move to England."

Finn nods his head in agreement. He knows he should say more, but he's at a loss for words at the moment. This was not what he was expecting her to say.

Jane huffs and rolls her eyes at her mother, which she knows highly offends her. "You guys think I'm pregnant, I say I'm not and that I won one of the most prestigious academic scholarships in the world, and you still say no. And I didn't turn in the essay you think I did! I wrote a completely new one and I knew you wouldn't approve of the topic so I did it behind your back. Yes, its about Ben and Krista and I don't regret writing it because it helped me get into the school of my dreams. I'm turning 18 and I'll be able to make my own decisions without you dictating my entire life. I'm going whether you approve or not!"

Rachel throws her hand over her mouth, astonished at Jane's tone towards her.

Jane doesn't wait for her parents to answer, just turns and runs up the stairs to her room, slamming the door behind her. Laying on her bed, she clutches her pillow underneath her face before letting the tears fall. She never behaves like this and she knows her mom is probably downstairs crying. It's like all of this tension she's been harboring for all of these months finally bubbled over. She immediately regrets what she's said, but she's too angry to go downstairs and apologize.

She hears her parents talking downstairs, followed by footsteps. She can tell its both of them so she braces herself for the knock at her door. Upon hearing it, she drags her feet across the carpet and opens it. Rachel is seething and is biting the inside of her cheek. Jane has learned that this specific action is only saved for when her mom is over the top mad at her. Her dad just shakes his head, letting himself in.

"Sit down Jane," is all he says. Jane complies, not wanting to get herself into even more trouble. She finds herself at this moment in a very awkward stage. She's still a kid in a lot of ways, but she's also so close to adulthood she can taste it.

"First, you owe your mother an apology. I don't care how old you are, you will never speak to her like that."

Jane feels a tear fall down her cheek as she makes eye contact with her mom. "Sorry mom."

"Thank You," Rachel whispers, folding her arms and taking a defensive stance. "Now, please explain to us why we should allow you to move across the ocean Jane. 3,000 miles away. "

"Did you think I wouldn't get it? The scholarship? Is that why you let me apply?" Jane manages to squeeze that sentence out before more tears come. Finn hands her a Kleenex from her nightstand and she blots away at her face.

"No honey, that's not it at all. Honestly, we didn't think you'd really want to go. We're so close. Why do you want to spend the next four years so very far away?" Rachel sits next to Jane on the bed, and Jane wishes she would just give her some space, but her mom is never like that.

"I'm not going to die mom. I know that's why you're so over protective. You don't want me to move away and have something bad happen to me. You're taking away the opportunity of a lifetime for me because you're afraid. You and dad."

Finn chimes in at this point, realizing he doesn't need this escalating any further. "Jane, we realize this is important, but how about you try to have a discussion about it before TELLING us you're moving to England without us getting a word in edgewise. I can see you're passionate about this, so why don't you explain to us what exactly you need. You can't just blurt this out and expect us to have the exact answers you want to hear."

"Of course I'm passionate dad! I've talked about this a lot and I know you guys don't approve but I really want this. I don't want to go to school in New York. I want to go to Oxford and travel the world and become a writer. Those are my dreams. That's what I want. If you two weren't so overprotective you wouldn't have an issue."

Rachel takes a deep breath, drying to remain calm even though her daughter is pushing every nerve. " I'm over protective because you are my daughter Jane. I may not have given birth to you myself, but you'll always be that tiny little baby I helped calm down when your dad didn't know what to do. You'll always be the girl who helped pull me out of my grief and back into the land of the living. You are my life. You and your brother and sister. If Matt came to me and said he wanted to move to Europe in a few years my reaction would be the same. You are acting like moving to England is some nonchalant thing all teenagers should get to do." Rachels voice quivers at the end of her statement and Jane can see she's treading dangerous waters.

"Do you not trust me? You let Sarah skip two weeks of school to be in a play and she's only 10! Matt gets to miss family events to go to basketball. I'm the perfect student. I do everything right. Why can't I do this? I didn't tell you for two weeks because I was hoping and praying that somehow my prediction would be wrong. That you would be so proud of me that you wouldn't be able to say no."

"Jane we trust you," Finn begins, "but the world is a scary place. You wouldn't even go to sleep away camp when you were ten. The furthest you've ever been from us is to your grandparents house barely an hour away! If you move to England you won't be able to come home more than twice a year. You'll be busy and plane tickets are expensive. I'm not sure you've thought this through."

Jane stares back at her dad, wanting so badly to scream that she has, but she knows he has a point. Maybe she's let her fantasies of moving to England take over, but she wants to go. She stands up from her seat next to her mom, and walks over to the other side of the room. Jane grabs a folder from a drawer in her desk as she wipes more tears from her cheeks.

"Here," she says holding the folder out towards Rachel, "read this. Read this and then make your decision. I won't go if you're dead set against it. All I want to do is make the both of you proud of me. I don't want to fight about it, but please just hear me out."

Rachel grabs the folder from Jane, motioning for Finn to sit next to her on the bed.

"I'll go downstairs and get started on my homework."

Rachel slowly opens the folder, reading the title on the paper in front of her. " **Smile and Nod"**. Rachel has to catch her breath upon reading it. "Did we say that a lot in front of her? I can't remember."

"I don't think so," Finn replies.

 _"My first experience with death was when I was just hours old. You may think that wouldn't affect me, losing someone at that young of an age, but it does. I was a few hours old when my mother passed away, and that distinct event shaped the person I am today. How could this be? A newborn baby doesn't know what's going on. Their main concern is being fed and comforted. However, my mother dying started a chain of events that would influence every aspect of my future._

 _My dad always tells me that I'm the one thing that kept him going. He tried his best everyday because he had to take care of me. He forced his sadness aside many days to ensure I was happy. He had to be present for me. A baby doesn't allow you to just forget._

 _My mom came into our lives when I was very young. I don't remember a time without her. She too had suffered a tremendous loss. The loss of a young child. My parents came together under less than ideal circumstances, but they banned together and somehow gave me this incredible life that was driven by grief. In a way we all healed each other, growing a new life out of sadness and letting joy take over._

Finn and Rachel continued reading, Rachel sobbing at certain points. Jane had never been this outspoken about how her upbringing affected her, good or bad. This was bittersweet. It was hard to read but so beautfully they got to the end, Finn started crying as well.

 _My parents taught me that even through sadness, you can persevere. You can be suffering in the depths of your soul, and somehow pull through. I've been blessed to lead a great life. It may seem odd to say, since the beginning of my life was surrounded by tragedy, but I never felt like I missed out on anything. Instead, this drove me to always try harder, to do better. I wanted to make people proud, to tell the stories that no one else wanted to tell._

 _I'll never know what my life would be like if my mom hadn't passed away, if my dad hadn't remarried, or if I didn't have brothers or sisters. Although I wish my mom was still here to see what I've accomplished, I'm happy with my story. I'm happy with the outcome of my life and hope I can continue to add to it at Oxford University._

Jane's at the kitchen table when her siblings arrive home. Her homework is nearly finished, so she cleans it all up to clear the table for dinner. Sarah gets dropped off from her play date and Matt comes home from practice. Matt heads up the stairs to shower, slamming the door behind him. Sarah plops down next to Jane.

"What's for dinner? Where are mom and dad?" Sarah asks.

Jane shrugs her shoulders, feeling the weight of the afternoon, well the weight of the past two weeks hovering in her head. "Upstairs."

Rachel and Finn come downstairs acting completely normal, like they didn't just have their oldest daughter drop a bomb on them and then fight with them for an hour. Rachel's eyes are a little red, but she smiles as she announces they're ordering pizza for dinner. Jane notices that this how they've always been, so good at hiding their pain.

Jane remains silent through dinner. Finn and Rachel talk to Matt and Sarah about the normal daily topics, not once trying to include Jane in the converstaion. She quickly excuses herself and goes up to her room.

* * *

Jane's almost asleep, praying the headache she has from crying so much will go away by the morning. She hears her door creep open, and sees her moms figure enter her room.

"Mom? What are you doing in here?"

Rachel doesn't reply, just lifts the covers and climbs into Jane's full sized bed and lays down next to her.

Jane turns on the small reading lamp attached to her headboard so she can see her mother better. "Mom? Are you okay?"

" Couldn't sleep. Just wanted to see if you were still awake. Your dad is snoring away so he's no help."

They both chuckle softly in the dimly lit room, knowing that Finn sleeps like the dead and is never up when someone needs him to be.

"Mom, I'm sorry about earlier. I know I shouldn't have talked to you guys like that, and I approached this all wrong. I never hide stuff from you and I shouldn't have hidden this." Jane feels herself getting emotional again, overwhelmed by everything.

"Oh honey, we could have helped you. Your essay was beautiful. I know if you had told me I would have been put off by the idea, but you handled the topic so well." Rachel brushes her hand across Jane's forehead, moving a blonde curl away from her eyes. "I was always afraid of when this day would come. The day when you didn't need me anymore."

"Mom, I'll always need you."

"You know what I mean Jane. I always worried about the day you would just decide you were done with me, done with our house and our family, ready to move on to a life of your own. I didn't think it would be at 18, but I always worried. You and I have always had a special bond. I know you don't remember a lot of what it was like in the first few years, but it was special."

Jane felt more tears pouring down her cheeks, leaking onto her pillow leaving wet circles behind.

"When you first called me mom, I felt so guilty. I felt like I was stealing something special from someone else. Stealing joy. Like I didn't deserve it. Your dad couldn't even say anything when I told him. It was a rough time for the both of us. But at the center of it all was you. You just wanted to be loved, and to love us. Reading that essay just proved that we did the right thing by you. You always came first and we did our best to not let our problems affect you."

Rachel starts crying now as she stares at her grown daughter across from her. "I'm going to miss you around here Jane. Your dad and I are so proud of you and I'm sorry this afternoon went so poorly. Part of me wishes I could keep you home for a few more years, but I know that's just me being selfish."

"Mom, I'm going to be barely a half hour away next year. You'll probably be sick of me with all of my visiting."

Rachel sat up in bed, crossing her legs underneath her. 'Well you can't visit too often from England, its not in the budget." She waits to see her words register in Jane's eyes.

Jane bolts upright after she processes Rachel's words. "Mom, are you kidding? Is this a joke because if it is its a pretty crappy one." Jane can feel the adrenaline pumping through her veins as she waits for a reply.

"No, its not. Your dad and I were going to tell you in the morning which is why I couldn't sleep. We're sorry we didn't take you seriously, we just don't want to give you up to the world you know? Just let me be the one to fly over there with you and move you in. We can have one last girls trip together before your new adventure begins."

Jane let's out a sob she hadn't realized she was holding in. Rachel pulls her into her lap and runs her fingers through Jane's hair as her daughter cries.

"We'll miss you so much Jane, but its time we let you go." Rachel felt a tear run down her cheek and she caught it before it fell onto Jane's head.

"I'm going to miss you all too. Even Matt but don't tell him." Jane laughs a little before more tears return. "I have to wake up dad! I won't be able to sleep either until he knows that I know."

Jane scurries down the hallway trying to remain quiet. She opens her parents door to see her dad's large figure asleep on the bed.

"Dad," Jane says as she shakes Finn. "Dad wake up."

Finn groans a few times before realizing what's going on. He rolls over to see Rachel flip the light on, revealing Jane's beaming face.

"You told her Rach? You couldn't wait until morning?"

Rachel just shrugs her shoulders and laughs as Jane hugs Finn.

"Thank you so much daddy."

"I'm daddy again now that I am letting you move to England huh?"

Jane pulls away, wiping more tears from her wet face. "Yes you are."

They both laugh a little and she can see Finn tearing up a bit too. "Well you'll have to be ready to give us a tour when we visit you in the fall okay?" His mind flashes back to his first night home with Jane. He never imagined as he stared at his tiny daughter that day that they would ever be here.

Jane pulls away and hugs Rachel one last time before heading for the door. "I love you two. I'll never be able to thank you enough for this."

Rachel squeezes Finn's hands as they watch Jane shut the door behind her. He hears the door click before he breaks down completely.

"Did you tell her I was the one who was pushing for her not to go?" he asks, sniffling softly.

"No, I let her think it was me. It usually is so its not unusual. Plus, we don't want her thinking that her dad is a big old softie now do we?" Rachel leans into Finn's side for a hug.

"I can't believe she's graduating and moving away. I know the entire point of parenting is for your kids to leave the nest, but I never thought we would ever get here. It was such a long road, yet we all survived and our daughter is happy and successful. That's all we've ever wanted for her. We did it."

* * *

THE END

Thank you to all of you who supported and read this story. It's one of my favorite things I've written to date.


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